Bye 2022, Hi 2023

Much was memorable about 2022, and a bunch of it was a blur. In the past two weeks, I've spent time with most of the people I love most in the world and my heart is full from it. A few years ago a therapist told me that I had two options when it came to my emotions: I could dull everything, or I could feel both great joy and great pain. I chose the yin with the yang. 

Most of my close relationships are the best they've ever been, and I'm beginning to make friends in NC, but I also cried more and had the most severe depressive episode in 8 years during 2022. 

Our apartment flooded on Christmas Eve due to a frozen burst pipe, but a loan officer also said we're ready to buy a house. 

The prison abolition collective I volunteer with suffered a painful breach of trust and values behind the scenes due to some deceptions of the founders on Jan 1. 2022, but I made friends with many wonderful fellow volunteers as we kept the collective going through that crisis. I've become an organizer of the reimagined project and I am really proud of taking part in nourishing that community into something that can thrive and change worlds. 

I watched a lot of TV and remember very little of it, but I read 58 books in a year and some of them will impact my life forever. The Phenomenon of Man by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (my crush of the year) forever altered the way I'll conceptualize of death and a possible afterlife. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski forever changed my relationship with sex and sex education/culture in a very positive way (check out the Netflix mini series or the podcast if reading isn't your main thing). Other notables included...

Novels: The Mountain Lion by Jean Stafford, Temple Alley Summer by Sachiko Kashiwaba (for fans of Studio Ghibli), The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov, I Know This Much is True by Wally Lamb (for a story that swept me away), and The Prophets by Robert Jones Jr. (for its structure and perspective).

Graphic Novels: Brian Blomerth's Mycelium Wassonii (for the artwork and the zeitgeist), Excuse Me by Liana Finck (for being a genius), Asterios Polyp by David Mazzucchelli (for its structure), The World of Edena by Moebius (everything a graphic novel should be, at every level; a true epic), and Snow, Glass, Apples by Colleen Doran (for artwork and its incredible spin on such a familiar story). 

Nonfiction: Bad Feminist by Roxanne Gay (as relevant as ever).

In 2022, I was lucky to get to visit four places I hadn't explored before. For our 10 year wedding anniversary in January 2022, Jonas and I drove to Asheville, NC. Some of the things we hoped to see were closed, but we had a delicious dinner at Holeman and Finch, watched the Studio Ghibli movie Belle in the theater, and visited the very cool bookstore/cafe Battery Park Book Exchange. We left early so as not to get snowed in, but poor Jonas drove down the mountain in blizzard conditions. On summer break, we went to Brevard, NC with Ishmael and Ira and hiked to waterfalls, drank coffee at the hotel (the highlight for the boys), ate fresh peaches from the roadside, and searched for the famous albino squirrels (which we didn't see). Then I took a girls trip with my mom and sisters to Charleston, SC, which I'd been to as a toddler, but had no memories of. Most of our party got a stomach bug, but we still had a wonderful time learning about architectural history, eating BBQ, and listening to Song Exploder. In the fall, Jonas and I and the boys visited my uncles at their home in Orient, Long Island. We walked throughout their neighborhood, I ate a delicious lobster roll at their favorite restaurant, and we got to try playing Uncle Michael's theremin! We don't have any concrete travel plans for 2023, but I'd like to visit the Florida Keys and Cuba.  

In Brevard, NC, "The Cradle of Forestry," Summer 2022

I made a little progress on my previously set goals/hopes for 2022. One thing I got better at that wasn't planned was cooking Chinese food! In 2023 I'd like to make progress on buying a home and continue a writing project I'm working on. I would like to continue learning about and serving my community with North Durham Mutual Aid, find a therapist, and maybe practice singing? 

Finally, here's a recap of what I blogged about in 2022: female somatic energy, anti-vanity, suicide, housing amidst poverty, and holiday boundaries. 

2020 Recap & 2021 Hopes

Around New Year's 2019/2020, we asked the boys if there was anything they'd like to do in 2020. While I was hoping for "be kind to each other" or something like that, I had fully intended to honor Ishmael's actual wish, which was "go to Chuck-E-Cheese." That was literally the only ambition he named for 2020 and it kills me (both humorously and with sadness) that despite the fact that I *hate* "child and mechanical rat casinos" and we have a Chuck-E-Cheese within a block of our house, it was a uniquely impossible goal for 2020. 

Most of my ambitions for 2020 were similarly unmet, but I walked away from what was undeniably a wrenching year for us all with more clarity and purpose than I could have expected. In therapy there is a practice of speaking to your childhood self to try and relay the message you had needed to hear that maybe you didn't hear in childhood. I haven't done that in therapy, but I have wondered if there is anything my childhood self needed to hear. In other words, what was my greatest fear or longing? I heard the affirmation that I didn't know I needed in 2020, and that was:

You will find your place in the world. 

It took me a long time to even name my fear that I might have no place or no purpose (at least not one that I genuinely believed in). Now that I'm learning my space, it's not always what I thought it would be. Through a series of events and learning and growing, I find myself engaging in the prison abolition movement. This feels informed by (and informs) my theology, my family, and my nationality. I feel like "finding my place" has not been propelled by my own hand, and I hope that that means it is the work of the Holy Spirit. Here's my meme-format summary of my face effected by the events and trajectory of 2020. 

If a pandemic happens roughly once in a 100 years, many people will be born and die before we see another one. I don't want to rehash all of 2020 - all of us who survived it know it intimately - but I don't want to forget it either. I've wished there was more information and personal accounts of the 1918 pandemic. I imagine it reached China, but I've never heard those stories. This year I read an autobiography of Don Freeman (renowned children's author and illustrator) who arrived in New York City to find his way as an artist on the very day in 1929 that the stock market crashed. He acknowledges the struggles and the chaos and the upheaval, but also life went on in the midst of that. 

What stands out in my mind about my experience of a pandemic year; being sick in March. Jonas almost certainly had Covid, my symptoms were less classic. There were not tests available to us yet to confirm. Both Jonas and I were furloughed from work roughly from March to August, and I was ultimately laid off from the food-service industry. Grade-school for our kids became at-home school for... everrrrr. We ate a lot of fried chicken sandwiches in 2020. There were blessings in the close quarters, but also much frustration, heartache, and uncertainty.  My creative outlet was themed dress-up outfits at home. We got our cat Soy who has been a wonderful addition to our family. I started a new job editing radio scripts from home (which I love) that has also given me opportunity to engage with the Bible in ways I've never been interested in doing before. Our community work in our neighborhood shifted with Covid of course, but that also held hidden opportunities. Some friendships deepened as we clung together over Facetime and Marco Polo. Others were strained as beliefs about Covid (and how to live in light of it) diverged over the months. For me, the daily mind games I play with myself are the hardest side affect. I am immensely grateful for the nurses and teachers in my life. Even with (or because of) the extra head space and slower pace of parts of 2020, I drastically rethought how I view money and hope that I can continue to grow in generosity. It felt like every day held a momentous political or economic world event. The Beirut chemical explosion sticks with me as gut-wrenching. Certainly the murder of George Floyd awakened much that was asleep behind White eyes, propelling me to new reflections and actions. Uyghur genocide began to get the global attention is warrants. US politics were chaos, but I felt freedom from expecting otherwise. 

The best thing I read was James Baldwin's A Fire Next Time. Other things I read are logged on GoodReads. I've listened to Hannah Bowman's theology of abolition at least 3 times already and was encouraged by the Bible Project, particularly their explanation of the meaning of apocalypse. Of course there was a lot of TV watching. I can't possibly recall it all, but things that stand out are the shows Jiri/Haji and Bob's Burgers, and the movies The Pillow Book, My Octopus Teacher, A Portrait of a Lady on Fire, and Mirai. I listened to a lot of Rosalia, Joni Mitchell's Cactus Tree album, HAIM's Women in Music 3, Joao Gilberto, Gillian Welch, and the Chick's Gaslighter album. I spent almost a month cross pollinating a rainbow of flowers in Animal Crossing and then creating an in-game replica of the Huntington Gardens.  

My niece Beatrice Jane Sears was born on January 30! We visited my sister in North Carolina in February to meet Beatrice, right before the pandemic. We ate at Roses', which was the best new (to me) restaurant of the year for me. I visited my brothers San Diego in August, my parents and sister Annelise visited us from NC in the fall, and we spent Christmas with Jonas' brother and his family (with many precautions) in Los Angeles. Written out in a list, that sounds like a lot of travel for this year, but I think I left Santa Maria about 6 times between March and December, and several of those drives were to neighboring Central Coast cities.

Things I blogged about in 2020: my grandmother, artist Sam Szafran, early pandemic feels, the set designs of Bernard Evein, changing my mind on purpose, apocalypse and revelation and service (church history and church future), reflections on wealth, pandemic feels in the style of dark mythology

Review of 2020 goals. 

• SLOW DOWN. I want to have and make the time to play, engage in my hobbies, explore, entertain, cultivate relationships. I've been too drained and busy and stressed to do those things and I want to fight through the things I *have* to do to get to a place where things I *want* to do are woven in. I want to feel the peace and contentment that comes from not being over-scheduled all the time. 
• Write a book outline.
• Build a good credit score. Getting a credit card has been such a huge obstacle for me. 
• Spend intentional time with each of my boys, not multitasking.
• Take a digital design class. I doubt this will happen in 2020, but it's a goal to keep in my head.
• Get a website and a start a mailing list. 

I'm thankful to feel like I've found security in my purpose recently. With that, my need to map out my future feels diminished. After thinking for a few days, I still found some goals for 2021, but they're less work or growth related than usual. It goes without saying that I'd like to grow and mature in the areas that I am "finding my place" in the community and the personal and practical work that entails. 

Goals for 2021:

• try more of the Lompoc underground food scene
• fix my hair
• source my dream 2-piece suit 
• plan a Japan trip 
• more crafts/creative projects
• focus less on imaginary/undefined evils (I can get caught up in railing against ideas instead of loving whoever is right in front of me)

And to all, an apocalyptic new year. 

2019 In Review: Grief and Escapism

At the beginning of 2019 I was feeling emotionally lost and unstable. On a whim, I decided to adopt the "word for the year" exercise and chose "grief", not because I thought this was a great idea, but it almost felt like I couldn't *not* put myself through some exploration of grief for my own health. I did not know how brutal 2019 was going to be. It set me full of holes. I found little rest from tragedy, rage, and wave after wave of change. The motion made me sick. The silver linings I found felt like social or personal expectations more than truth. Rarely could I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's disorienting to be traveling through the dark for a long, long time.

Pictures in this post are most of the images from my Instagram feed in 2019. 

There are times when I worry that being open about the level of carnage that I feel engulfed in will push people away. I don't usually want to be around people who are constantly in a hole and seemingly refuse to work on a path out. I wish I could be more direct about some of the specifics, but there's so much that isn't my story to tell (yet) and so much that is so far from resolution that it's not yet a story.

I wouldn't choose to go through 2019 again just to experience the growth that it's pushed me toward. I never feel ready to do the work of growing and I would never choose the circumstances by which that work is undertaken. This year will leave scars. I have not learned all the lessons from battles I wished not to be engaged in and wars that I deserted.

This top row of photos is the painting I did this year. It was a liturgical reflection for Easter.

We had 5 deaths in our extended family. We totaled a car. We moved out from my parents house after 5 years there. I started 2 new jobs and quit 2 old jobs.

Two dazzling bright spots in the year were my sister Annelise getting pregnant with her first daughter (due January 2020) and a family trip to New York in May. I loved Manhattan so much. I was incredibly impressed by the the Met museum and was thrilled to see the CAMP costume exhibit. We also saw an amazing show, Octet, that will stick in my mind for a long time. I can't really do it justice in any description, but you can listen to the cast recording (search Dave Malloy) if you're so inclined. It's an exploration of psyche in the digital age. We enjoyed memorable meals at the Clinton Street Baking Company, Uncle Boon's, and Okonomi, among others. I gawked at how well dressed the average person is and how great the stuff that they leave on the curb is. But most of all, being in New York left a heavy impression on me that I am an artist at heart and that I should pursue that. I'm listening.

I had the pleasure of meeting two rad ladies this year, my brother Bradley's girlfriend Kristina and my brother Jonathan's girlfriend Sophie. I feel so lucky when I click with people who come into our family circle. I first met Kristina during our 4th (?) annual Welch siblingcation in San Diego which was short but sweet.

8 of these photos were taken in NYC. 

I spent a lot of time feeling deeply in over my head in 2019 and therefore that I was failing at this, that, and the other thing. But I started going to therapy and have a wonderful, supportive home-church, both of which have helped me immeasurably to feel heard in the midst of being overwhelmed. The experience of being listened to well has also empowered me be more vulnerable about unresolved grief when I'm still in the midst of it, and I think that has allowed me to connect with many people in a way I would not otherwise have been able to do.

I thought I was open and I thought I wasn't [that] afraid of what other people thought of me before, but I've broken away some of my niceness this year in a way that I think is great and healthy. I think I'm more cynical (as if that was even possible) but I'm also aware that that's a very real reaction to some truly abysmal situations instead of "just who I am," and that distinction also feels healthy. I have confidence in allowing myself to feel rotten a lot right now and express that as needed. When I think about my headspace at this time last year, I was suffering from much the same existential anxiety as I have now, but my core feels stronger, even if that's not because I grasped some truth that I didn't have before. I'm proud of the steps in emotional maturity that I've made, rather than being disappointed that I did not reach emotional nirvana.

As 2019 marks the end of a decade (and nearly the end of my 20s), I'm celebrating having tried a lot of things. I've been worried for most of my life that I won't have time to try everything I want to try, I won't find what I love most and get to do it and be good at it, and that my life will fall flat. While I think I've been able to shift my focus to something healthier anyway, I'm also proud of how between last year and this year, my sense of "having tried things" has gone from panic to confidence.

I've built and run a profitable small business, become an expert in [some areas of] children's literature, the postal service, and fashion history. I've been published in print multiple times and I've painted multiple commissions and had my work in a gallery. I've cooked in a restaurant and tutored in two languages. I've been an event coordinator and partnered with multiple faith-based organizations. I worked in quality assurance for a medical device manufacturer and I sold Pampered Chef. I've started a lot of things and quit plenty of things too. I'm going in the 2020s and my 30s with a clearer picture of what I like and what I don't like, what I'm good at and where I need help, and that feels valuable.

Usually I like to review the best media I engaged with within a calendar year, which brings me to the second word that began to stick in my mind toward the end of the year, "escapism." Especially as I wrestled through the holidays, I took refuge in the idea that stories can transport us to other worlds for a while, and that we can even go to new worlds together. I love to share the things that transport me and excite me, especially when I'm not always excited to wake up to a new day in my real life.

I read 15 books this year (which I keep track of on GoodReads) as well as some graphic novels and discovered a good amount of music (MUNA, Luxury, Charly Bliss, Tal Wilkenfield, and Colin Hay got a lot of plays). I didn't watch much TV or many movies, but of what I did see, I loved the shows Killing Eve, Pose, and What We Do in the Shadows. They are all current shows, so I'm eagerly awaiting more of those stories. Besides the play Octect that I mentioned in the section about our New York trip, Jonas and I also got to see Anoushka Shankar perform and it was mesmerizing. Not only was her sitar playing beautiful, but the drummers in her troupe were just beyond. Like Octet, it was an experience that defies my retelling, but that I recall with intense admiration.

Things I wrote about in 2019: the intersection of a conservative church background and modern feminism, an angry psalm, a lament of unseasonably bad weather, a poem about another shooting, a creative manifesto, names of women I admire, and saints of doubt and sorrow.

Review of 2019 goals. Did pretty well on these! 

• See a therapist. "I'm exhausted and full of trepidation just thinking of everything behind and in front of that resolution, but I just need to take the first step." There was still a lot of pushing that had to happen to get my foot into that door, but I DID IT. 
• Language learning. In a very small way. I did get to practice Chinese more than usual, and I studied both Arabic and Spanish through an app, but ultimately didn't invest very much into learning any of these 3 languages. 
• Think about home ownership. We did look into it. We'll be renting for the next several years at least. 
• Paint. I did one commission this year. 
• Get a job.  I got several jobs, and I'm grateful for them, but they've also helped me cross some things off the "possible long-term job" list. 
• Write out a business plan [for my dream job]. I'm not sure what my dream job is anymore... 
• Find inspiration in hardcover imagery. I did this a bit and I have an impressive reference library, but I'd like to utilize it more. 
• (2018) See a chiropractor. I was so afraid to do this, but some chronic pain became so bad I was willing to die at the chiropractor's, lol. Getting adjusted made a big difference for about 6 months, and I think the rest of the work is emotional. 

2020 goals:

• SLOW DOWN. I want to have and make the time to play, engage in my hobbies, explore, entertain, cultivate relationships. I've been too drained and busy and stressed to do those things and I want to fight through the things I *have* to do to get to a place where things I *want* to do are woven in. I want to feel the peace and contentment that comes from not being over-scheduled all the time. 
• Write a book outline.
• Build a good credit score. Getting a credit card has been such a huge obstacle for me. 
• Spend intentional time with each of my boys, not multitasking.
• Take a digital design class. I doubt this will happen in 2020, but it's a goal to keep in my head.
• Get a website and a start a mailing list. 

I'm going into this new year and this new decade feeling brave. 

Best Media of 2018

My previous post was a recap of my year in more personal terms, but here is the soundtrack (of sorts) to 2018. I would love to read any comments you have if you've also heard/read/seen any of the things I enjoyed this past year.

Music (because it's one of the most effective time capsules, don't you think?):
I spent a fair amount of music-listening time this year wanting to feel comforted and not wanting to have to think about exactly what song might be the perfect fit, so I listened to a lot of older Coldplay, actually. They're not necessarily happy songs, but they're familiar and calming to me.

Most of the new music that I listened to (whether newly released or just new-to-me) ended up having political undertones. I found this medium a clearer commentary of life in modern America than any written word I can think of. I think the written word is still the most powerful to me in general, but I'm distrustful of it lately, partly because the volume is at 11 and I have trouble sifting through fact and fiction, or being okay with letting any of it speak to me for whatever its worth, regardless of the the "truth" or lack there of there within. Anyway, I've been adding to a playlist called Resistance Party that's all songs that - to me - directly address the times. In some cases, these songs actually taught me. The playlist is rap-heavy as I think this genre is what folk used to be in terms of commentary.



One of the most striking songs (to me) is an old one by Nina Simone called Missisippi Goddam that I heard for the first time this year. Definitely not a song of hers you might have heard at a dinner party.

Another one that really struck me is Thy Neighbor by Jackie Hill Perry, which starts out, "The church is held together by the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, this is why I can't be a true christian and say I love Jesus but I can't stand the church," followed later by the funny but also convicting "the Jesus in me sees the Jesus in you." Damn, sister!

Childish Gambino's song  This is America (and it's video) got a lot of buzz this year, and I'm noting it here, not because I listened to it a ton, but because after hearing the buzz, I sat down to watch the video (with Ira on my lap) and like everyone else, was stunned by the sudden point-blank shooting a few seconds into the video. I was very shaken since Ira saw it and it was very hard to explain that it was real but not real - and I guess that's the whole point. Real but not real enough but so real.

Artist of the year: Cardi B (I love her on many levels, and I am still not tired of her song "I Like It"). Not to mention that she in my top 3 best dressed celebrities in 2018 (Zendaya was another, for anyone curious).
Best love song: Denim by Priscilla Renea
Biggest earworm: I Won't Hurt You by The West Coast Pop Experimental Band (Isle of Dogs)
Best discovery: boygenius (thanks Michelle!)

Live shows: I saw Lily Allen live, an artist I've admired for a long time! 

Best soundtrack: the musical (that I haven't seen) The Band's Visit.
Best album: Janelle Monae's Dirty Computer and it's accompanying "Emotion Picture", a music video montage of about 6 of the songs off the album. I think my mouth was a-gape the entire time I watched it. Daring, Sexy, Powerful, Explosively Creative.

Movies and Shows:
(in rough order of how well known I think they are)

• Coco
• Westworld (season 1)
• Isle of Dogs
• Blackkklansman. The quality of the movie itself was all over the place, but the premise of the is riveting and it provided a much needed jolt concerning my outlook on race relations.
• Maniac (Netflix; bizarre, funny Jonah Hill and Emma Stone show about a drug trial)
• Kim's Convenience (Netflix; absolutely hilarious Canadian sitcom with special interest for Asian-Americans and dads-and-daughters)
• Legion (the most un-Marvel Marvel show you'll see, in the best way. Quality varies by season, in my opinion).
• Method (Netflix; a Russian detective show that is very intense but fascinating. Intriguing mental illness component)
• Babylon Berlin (Netflix; amazing German period drama, for fans of Peaky Blinders)
• Rise of the Phoenixes (Netflix; 70+ hour-long episodes of Chinese historical drama; beautiful, clever, intricate, tragic, and worth overlooking the cheesy bits)

Books:
Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses. I felt so lost in this book at first, but the writing style is unlike anything I've ever read, and it is awe inspiring. I was also encouraged by this book that there isn't "one right way" in order for writing to be truly great.

Similarly, I read many sections of Why We Write (edited by Meridith Maran) which inspire me to write whenever I pick it up and helps me ward off impostor syndrome as I identify with all sorts of feelings and thoughts shared by other writers in that book.

I read 11 1/2 books of the Bible, Judges being my favorite and John being my least favorite. I hope to elaborate another time.

Pearl S. Buck's autobiography, My Several Worlds. I find so much comfort and wisdom in her thoughts and experiences as a white woman raised in China and spending adulthood in the United States. I appreciate how cantankerous she was in some ways; it seems only natural for a life both wonderful and tumultuous and gives validation to my own sort of stormy inner self.

The least well-written book I read was The Painted Kiss by Elizabeth Hickey. It's historical fiction based on the relationship between the famous painter Gustav Klimt and his muse, Emilie. It was enjoyable and I learned a lot about Austrian history, but I was not overly impressed with its quality in terms of "literature."

We listened to the novel Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynee Jones as an audiobook and it was thoroughly enjoyed by our whole family. It will be very familiar to anyone who has seen the movie adaptation, but it's different enough to warrant a read. It also quotes a John Donne poem, and nothing endears me more than when a book (or sermon, tbh) I'm enjoying quotes something that I love and am familiar with.

Podcasts:
I was encouraged by some episodes of Exploring My Strange Bible (the ones on Why Church Matters, thanks to my friend Luke!) and the Liturgists podcast (particularly "Prophet or Ass" and "Church Unity"). I also read several chapters of The Gospel Comes with a Housekey by Rosaria Butterfield that gave me a few gold nuggets to hang on to (I guess that should go under books, but it fits this section better).

Visual media:
There is so much (so much!) visual content that inspires me throughout the year, and I try and share it periodically in my stories on Instagram. I'm always dumping stuff into my Pinterest vortex too. Jonas and I did stop by the Getty Musuem for the first time in many years to see a fashion history exhibit that was amazing, as well as some of the other visiting exhibits. I also started following hashtags on Instagram (I'm not sure if that feature was new to 2018 or not) and it's a great way to discover all sorts of new things. I took part in the #fjnine challenge many times, pulling photos from my feed to match the weekly color scheme. Here are the collages I made, all with my own photos.

I can't wait to discover new things and uncover old things in 2019.

2018 Review & 2019 Goals

This was a difficult and unsettling year inside my head. I don't know how to articulate it, but I know that there are some things holding me back from being free and whole, as if there are some internal error messages that just don't x out when I hit "remind me later" anymore. My biggest goal for 2019 is to work through that to the best of my ability. 

It's harder to write my way through whatever is plaguing me. I spend a lot of time making more drafts than I used to, and it ends up making less sense. 2018 was characterized by losing my sense of security in several ways, with the additional wounds of realizing that I was finding security in those things subconsciously. 
My acceptance of some fundamental characteristics of church that are not Biblical. 
My belief that racial and social reconciliation was just a matter of me caring. 
My assumption that all the members of my family would live in close proximity forever.
I was less certain that finishing 10 years of school would lead to a dream job, but it has still been discouraging and disorienting to realize I am not qualified to do much of anything that I had envisioned. 

I'm not going into 2019 feeling hopeful, I'm going in feeling lost. I think that's okay to be and feel, but I don't particularly care for it.  Never the less, there were some wonderful things that happened this year. I'll start with the highs, then review the lows, then assess last year's goals and set some new ones. Interspersed with photos from the year. 

My most "liked" pictures on Instagram this year, L to R, Row 1: candid(ish) from Genna's wedding, Sonny and Cher halloween costumes, candy sushi. Row 2: Chinese New Year table setting, Scandanavian Ribbon Cake at my vintage Christmas party, thrifted Gucci scarf. Row 3: 2018 tree, patterned family, Ishmael at Easter. 

Highs

Three wonderful weddings - I got to be in my dear friend Genna Cragoe (Andersen)'s wedding which featured the best dancing of any wedding I have ever been to and a taco truck which is probably the best wedding food I've had. It was proceeded by a bacholerette party at the family's beach house in Malibu which is officially one of my favorite spots on earth now and fills me with even more undying love for the magic of California. // We were touched to be invited to our brother-in-law's brother's wedding in Santa Cruz with the incredibly generous and friendly Sears' family. Alex and Emily Sear's wedding was the first open-bar wedding I'd been to and there were customized gift bags for our kids and it was at a golf course that happened to feature feral kittens, so it was really one for the books. // My dear cousin Mark married a fantastic woman, Nicole, and with the added bonus of seeing her FBI coworkers go crazy on the dance floor, I can't remember a wedding where I was so filled with contentment that two people found each other. Also I'm just really thrilled to have Nicole as a cousin now.

The summer time in general was wonderful. I'd made note of that right after the summer ended, but many of the details are hibernating now. I can't complain that the memory is bathed in a contented glow. The most bittersweet aspect of it was several days spent helping my sister Annelise and her husband pack up their home in Whittier, CA for their cross-country movie to Andrew's grad school program at Duke in Durham, North Carolina. It was quality time talking, going to the Korean spa, and eating all the best "last meals", but I miss their presence in California every day. At the end of the summer, the beginning of the school year marked the first time that both my boys were in school. 

I went to The Cellar Bar in Fullerton multiple times, where I sipped the best cocktails of my life to date, and made many good memories with my family.

My friend Lena (@vintagechicdk) was a vendor at the Pickwick Vintage Show and I got to help her! I was in clothes heaven and I loved meeting some amazing vintage dealers and gawking at the celebrities, designers, and show biz people that came to shop.

Some favorite outfits from 2018

My friend Michelle and I went on a lovely mini-vacation to Santa Monica to see the chef Yotam Ottolenghi speak. We were calling it our version of the screaming girls at Beatles' concerts. It was a very funny and cult-like experience to be in an auditorium of (mostly) women all holding the same book on their laps with reverence. 

In the fall, I started tutoring Chinese which has been surprisingly lovely as a small source of income and a chance to engage with something I love in a non-stressful setting (I've always been convinced that I don't like teaching, but now I'm less sure).

Thanksgiving was spent in San Diego, smashed into my brothers' beach-front apartment, making the best foods we could think of (the less bound to tradition I am, the more I enjoy holidays). I made a great effort to impose as little stress on myself as possible leading up to Christmas, beside the all-vintage Christmas party I threw on December 1st, something I've been plotting for several years! It was so much work (vintage everything - recipes, decor, clothing, etc.) but I also felt really satisfied seeing something through that had been stuck in my brain for a long time. I felt completely burnt out by December 24th, but blessedly, the following week was wonderfully relaxed and spent reading aloud to family members who were visiting and enjoying a small celebration of my graduation (the degree was conferred in mid-2018, even though I finished the program in 2017).

The Section Between Highs and Lows

In January 2018, I joined my local Interfaith group and attended related meetings and events throughout the year. I appreciated it for an opportunity to be a part of many gatherings and relationships that I'd never otherwise have an introduction to. It was also a reminder that community engagement and "working toward good" is almost always a harder, slower, slog than I imagine it will be. 

I'm always developing new hobbies and trying new things in categories I've always been interested in. I got into some elaborate floral arranging and I put extra time into styling photos as a form of artistic expression. I guess I'm just mentioning it because it's where I pushed myself and saw the most success in terms of creativity this year. 

Some of my floral arrangements in 2018

What I wrote about in 2018: 2017 recap, Amal Clooney, Our Lady of Sorrows (prose), a dark flora and fauna wedding concept, 10 years of life in America, Cultural Appropriate from the perspective of someone with multiple (or zero) cultures, my latest stage of parenthood, a heatwave (prose), Hope, Bundt cakes, relearning Chinese, starting to unpack deep sorrow, the color yellow, Emilie Flöge and Wiener Werkstätte movement in Austria, and my disillusionment with political correctness. 

This may seem like a non-sequitur but of all the noise in the news and even all the beautiful visual noise on Instagram, this photo stuck out to me,  stuck with me, and captured my sense of the zeitgeist (and many others, according to the internet). It's a High and a Low. It's power and grace and bravery, it's also struggle and pain and despair. It's beauty in turmoil, and if that's not what mental stability and a life of walking in tension look like, I don't know what is. My favorite part about the photo (beside all the powerful imagery that I won't go into detail about here) were the words of the man in the photo when being interviewed later, 

"I don't go to protests to get pictures of me taken, but this has encouraged me to continue demonstrating," he said. "The flag I was carrying is the same one I always hold in all the other protests I've attended. My friends make fun of me, saying it is easier to throw rocks without holding a flag in the other hand, but I got used to it. If I get killed, I want to be wrapped in the same flag. We are demanding our right of return, and protesting for our dignity and the dignity of our future generation."

Lows

I'm just going to leave Trump and most of America completely out of this, that's basically a given. Internationally: Trump backing out of the Iran Nuclear Deal is something I was enraged and despondent over. He also began ending the US' involvement in Syria, and beside one caller on NPR, I might be the only person who thinks that was a good idea. President Xi of China's decision to extend his term through the end of his life was also distressing. 

The Borderline Bar shooting and the Woolsey fires (I'm confused about all the fire names, but those affecting Ventura, Thousand Oaks, and Malibu in late 2018) were merely more headlines to most people, just like most shootings and fires are merely unfortunately headlines to me. But these ones affected people I know and love, and the sense of fear and loss and pain is great. 

Somehow, the loss of Anthony Bourdain just kept hurting. I didn't know him, but he managed to be just the kind of light we all needed, and it was especially stinging to lose him when we needed his voice more than ever. I've learned and continue to learn so much from him. I grieve losing him, but I also grieve for his loss.  

Goals

Every year when I put together these looking back/looking forward posts, I review the previous year's post. In doing that recently, it helped me to notice that while I don't accomplish most of the big things I set out to do in a given year, when I look at my list of goals from 2-3 years ago, most of those things are accomplished now. Everything takes longer than I hope (always), but it does happen. And setting goals is important so that I know what I'm working toward and so that I can look back and be encouraged! The things that seem daunting today will be in the past 3 years from now.

2018 goal recap:

• Read books. Made a good start on this!! Books that I read on the sister-post to this one, all about my favorite media of 2018. 
• More communal cooking. I didn't cook in other people's homes as much as I'd envisioned, but I did start giving cooking lessons (sort of) in tandem with Chinese tutoring and I began sharing lots of kitchen escapades via Instagram, so I did a lot of communal cooking, just not in the way I'd imagined. 
• Cook from cookbooks. Room to grow, but I did manage a few recipes from books. 
• Dual Immersion. This simply didn't work out, despite my best efforts. My revised plan is to let the boys watch more TV, but only in Spanish, and hopefully do some intensive language courses in Mexico with them in the future. 
• See a chiropractor. Also didn't happen, but the idea is more and more doable to me, and I'm going to rest, knowing this will be crossed out within the next few years (not only seeing a chiropractor, but hopefully the issues that I'm interested in seeing a chiropractor for). 
• Roller derby! Too big of a time commitment after looking into it. However, I did get some nice rollerblades for my birthday and I hope that using them to exercise (they're so much harder on the sidewalk than in a rink!!!) can be a goal I grow into over time. I'm also determined to find a way to get the local rink to blast my custom-made rink playlist one of these days. ;) 
• Mexico City??? Didn't happen, and that's okay. But there is a New York City trip planned for May 2019! 

Some of my favorite projects and photos from 2018. 

2019 goals. This list is full of huge things, with a lot of caveats. See point 1, haha: 

• See a therapist. I'm exhausted and full of trepidation just thinking of everything behind and in front of that resolution, but I just need to take the first step. 
• Language learning. Spanish. Arabic. Farsi. Chinese. At least make a plan, even a tiny bit of practice or movement toward speaking Chinese better and/or learning a new language. 
• Think about home ownership. I go back and forth between excited and terrified. It feels like too much pressure to make the resolution "own a home", but as with the others, the goal is just to make a concrete step or two in that direction. 
• Paint. Start a painting, or maybe take a class (probably not, but maybe). 
• Get a job.  Maybe not a dream job, but a stepping-stone job. Something to at least start me in the right direction.  
• Write out a business plan for my dream job. 
• Find inspiration in hardcover imagery. I have so many amazing art books, I want to spend time looking at them instead of scrolling a screen, some of the time. 

That's it for the recap on my personal year. Jump to part 2 for recommendations based on my favorite books, shows/movies, podcasts, music of 2018. 

Here's to a rad 2019. 

2017 In Review & 2018 Goals

What a tumultuous time. I have a partially written post trying to dissect my thoughts on 10 years in the US that was marked in 2017, but suffice to say it's a bewildering era to call America home and I feel the general sense of national uncertainty bleeding into my personal life. It's not all negative, but it's definitely pushing me out of my comfort zone which can be lonely and scary, even as it's exciting and rewarding. It's a time of transition on many levels.

Before I get into my personal year, I realized that my peers now send out Christmas cards and newsletters and I'm falling down on the job here in terms of updates about family life. I'll give the people what they want! Jonas has now been working at DenMat in Lompoc (making artificial teeth) for a year. He enjoys the work and is heavily involved in trading Ramen packets between his Korean, Vietnamese and Filipino coworkers. The potluck ladies of South East Asia gave his fried rice the stern nod of approval, so he's working on making a new life goal. He continues to draw at home but is considering finishing his degree in something related to wildlife conservation. A highlight of this year for him was seeing the Black Angels play in San Diego, and he has been fostering a love for legos and transformers with our boys. Ishmael turned 5 in the fall and has been going to Transitional Kindergarten at Joe Nightingale. He loves school and eagerly practices letters and numbers. He can read simple words. He is especially good at puzzles and is learning to ride a bike! Ira turned 3 in the summer and will probably start preschool in the fall. He adores his brother and is all about copying him, but also has a distinctly funny and quirky personality. He loves to sing and dance and generally entertain everyone. Thanks in part to his brother, Ira is doing a great job counting.

(sorry the resolution isn't great, I screengrabbed off Instagram where I collected these photos under #we_bo2017 if you're THAT into my life, lolz) Highlights in pictures: Top row - floral projects (all foraged!), Ishmael's first time correctly spelling his name plus an adorable drawing of me pregnant with him; Middle row - various outfits for various occasions, an island in Thailand; Bottom row- jungle-y AirBnB we loved in Thailand, lunch with some interfaith ladies, beautiful green hills after a very wet spring of 2017. 

My biggest goal for 2017 was to finish college, and I did!!! Sort of...
I found out in August that I had two outstanding GE courses that weren't covered by transfer credits or major credits. I finished all my classes in November, but have two extra tests that I'm studying for in hopes of testing out of those missing courses. As relieved and excited as I am to have worked so hard to finish school, that little bump in the road of took the wind out of my sails in terms of finishing school this year and made it made my timeline such that there is no clear time at which to celebrate having finished. I am sad about that, but also proud of myself for doing my best and marking a huge personal achievement. The highlights of my schooling this year were an Arabic literature class (my favorite class of the past 4+ years), beginning to learn Arabic, and my research project on the intersection of the Druze sect and modern Islam.

I am scared and lost and confused about what comes now - I am considering grad school since we're still about 3 years out from having both sons in full-day school and all of the types of jobs I'm interested in require a masters or several years of experience. The prospect of job hunting in general is very overwhelming and I hope that in 2018 I can pursue some leads and develop a more concrete picture of what my options might be and how to work those into our life. Everyone asks me what job I want, and in a nutshell: I want to continue fostering interfaith community in our city, I want to continue writing and developing/honing skill and discipline in that area, I am interested in continuing language studies in Arabic and Farsi, and I would love to make short-term trips for work, so I am dreaming of teaching writing/art workshops abroad in a summer-school scenario so that I can combine travel/art/writing/language immersion.

Other notable things of 2017: Jonas and I traveled around Thailand in February which was our first trip abroad together! We were dazzled by the beautiful limestone islands in the Andaman Sea. // We had many wonderful dinners with various friends, for which my life is richer (special mention to our neighborhood friends the Jones' for hosting us 7 times!!!). I'm so thankful to have dinner parties be a regular part of our life and we look forward to continuing this trend... forever! Also, my dear friend Michelle had the most perfect twin boys and I never tire of holding them and being in awe. // I've made many new friends in our city-community this year as I pursue getting to know the local Muslim community and get involved in our inter-faith community group. This process has been much slower than I expected (and made me ask difficult questions about my motives and goals, which I don't have air-tight answers for), but I am learning a great deal about my own faith and am looking forward to facilitating more casual cooking lessons and food sharing among our community members. // In random fun stuff, I finally made it to the Rose Bowl flea market (which did not disappoint), and saw Regina Spektor and Elbow in concert (separately), as well as Hamilton! The hype is warranted, I actually choked up during a stage production.

Best media of 2017: I read so much, but almost exclusively for school. My favorite book from the Arabic Lit class was Seasons of Migration to the North by Tayeb Salih. // The best movies I watched (few of which actually came out in 2017) were A Man Called Ove, Turbo Kid, The Best Offer, Whisky Tango Foxtrot, Silence (favorite movie in a long, long time), Ladybird (surprised it wasn't darker), and I Am Not Your Negro (not an exaggeration to say it has been contributing to changing my day-to-day life). // I was underwhelmed by new music in general, though I did enjoy the new Killers album (Wonderful Wonderful) and I was interested by Nitty Scott and Jhene Aiko.

Highlights in pictures: Top row - took the boys to the Monterrey Aquarium in December, Friendsgiving, meeting the Gee twins in October; Middle row -  Jonas and I participated in a chalk festival, Welch kids weekend in San Diego (missing Julia), one of my favorite foraged bouquets of the year; Bottom row - visiting with our friend Nabila, finally finished my painting!, visited Palm Springs and the Salton Sea with Annelise and Genna in the summer. 

We accomplished some momentous things this year, and part of me is struggling as I try to find new goals to replace the old ones. Finishing school has been a 10 year journey for me, so I'm definitely feeling a bit of a chasm that there's no easy way to fill in (with the absence of a perfect job landing in my lap). I don't want to avoid having goals at all just because I can't see their shape right now or I'm afraid of not meeting them, so here are my more concrete, if not super momentous, hopes and targets for 2018:

• Read books. Looking forward to carving out consistent to time to become an avid reader again.
• More communal cooking. I'm really pumped to get more informal cooking lessons from various people in our community, both in their homes and ours. I believe in this model for building relationships so much, and I've seen it start to work and it's incredibly rewarding and exciting and I can't wait to put more energy into this in 2018. 
• Cook from cookbooks. I have so many beautiful cook books but usually reach for my phone or a magazine instead, so I want to start utilizing my books!
• Dual Immersion. I'm hoping to get Ishmael into a Spanish-English school program for Kindergarten (and on through the rest of elementary) which is out of our district, but something that I think is really important for several reasons. I hope he'll be as into it as I am. I hope that he can thrive with the added challenge after the initial switch, which I'm anticipating could be difficult. 
• See a chiropractor. Not glamorous, but I have some chronic neck and shoulder pain which I finally realized might be fixable. I'm putting this on the list because setting up appointments and handling insurance etc. etc. is a hurdle for me. 
• Roller derby! I am considering joining a team partly because I love to roller skate, but also because it's the one form of exercise I might look forward to and I think it will help me be more involved in our city. And let's be honest, I need an outlet for my aggression (jkjkjk). 
• Mexico City??? I don't know how practical it is, but I always want to be traveling more and whether or not this makes actual sense, Mexico seems like a good vacation in which to ease into traveling abroad with kids. 

2016 In Review & 2017 Goals

What a difference a year makes. I was looking at my year wrap-up post from 2015/2016 and my year-in-a-word was "content". This year, on the other hand was tense. Not in personal terms, but I felt so wrapped up in the pains of the world. I know that's a huge burden to bare, but its one that I dwell on often, none the less.  This is the first New Years that I don't feel as if the future will probably be better than the past, but I don't see that as an ultimately hopeless situation.

I suspect that life in the US in 2017 may be a bit more tumultuous than it has been (and it has been) and it doesn't seem as if international woes are dying down either. I realized that assuming that the future will be brighter goes against my fundamental view of humanity, which is that we're circling the drain. In Biblical terms, humans don't age well in any sense, but also in Biblical terms, we're not left to our own devices forever. So that's my take on 2017 and beyond - it will probably get worse before it gets better. The war in Syria, the truck attack/massacre in Nice, France, and the Tennessee school bus crash stood out to me as irreconcilably sad in 2016, though the entire year felt like a string of tragedies and injustices. 

Destruction is certain, but there is every reason to hope and push toward peace and reconciliation in the mean time. If that makes zero sense, I... realize that, too. Sometimes it strikes me as a great act of courage that anyone in this life can resist substance abuse in light of tidal waves of pain and sorrow. I'm predicting that my word of the year for 2017 is going to be my "...interesting", which is a PC way of saying, "holy poo, what is happening?!"

In the midst of all this, it's humbling to have had a pretty fantastic year on a personal level. 

Some highlights from 2016 for our family: Ishmael started preschool, which has been great for everyone, and has aided my general sense of having hit my stride in parenting (as much as that is possible, which is questionable). I turned 25 on the 25th of August and had an amazing birthday party at which my best pals presented me with plane tickets to Thailand! We took several mini vacations within California this year, but our favorite was Santa Cruz. Last but not least, Jonas wrapped up nearly a decade at In N Out and started a new job at a dental lab called Denmat. Moving on up! 

{some of my favorites from my Instagram in the past year}

I've not kept very good track of my favorite entertainment this year, but I also consumed less than usual. I occasionally share favorites on my friend's blog, The Conversation Collective. A few things I enjoyed that I didn't mention on there are the TV show The Killing (Netflix), and the book (nonfiction) Revolutionary Iran. I also made a playlist of the songs that will most remind me of 2016. 





I didn't do that well on my 2016 goals, but I'm okay with that:

• Begin collecting art
• Begin investing money beyond my 401K/IRA
• Submit writing to a publication I haven't submitted to before
• Read the Koran, at least in part, as well as read the Bible 
• Become involved in my local Muslim community  (slow, slow progress on this front, am definitely rolling this one over into 2017)
• Visit the CRM plant in San Diego
• Jonas apply to Otis
• Figure out when/how to get Ishmael started in school
• Have $10k in the bank by Jan 2017

I'm not feeling the resolutions thing as much as usual, but my main goal for 2017:

• Finish college!!! After 9 years of studying on and off, I'm on track to graduate November of 2017 and I CAN'T WAIT!

We have some other fun things coming up as well - Jonas and I will be going to Thailand in February, my first time out of the country in 9 years! In other momentous news, our 5th wedding anniversary is coming up in less than 2 weeks. 

I may or may not go right on to get my masters when I graduate later this year. I'm also looking forward to cooking dinner with new and old friends throughout the year. And not to jinx myself, but I think this is finally the year I will finish the painting I started in 2012 - I'm so close to done! 

{not surprisingly, these 9 photos on the right were my most "popular" on Instagram ;)}

Another small and highly unlikely to be fulfilled resolution is to watch more good movies. I mostly watch shows, but I miss seeing good movies within the same year that they come out. Like I said, this is a completely impractical goal to work toward given my school and life schedule and other much more important priorities, but none the less, I desire it! 

What's been on your mind as we ease into 2017? 

2015 In Review & 2016 Goals

If I had to choose one word that summed up how I felt about 2015, it would be "content", which is a pretty huge deal for me. We've been living with my parents for well over a year now, and it can be hard at times, but it's also an enormous blessing in our lives. Ultimately, I've learned to be so grateful for what I'm given each and every day, and not worry about not knowing what may happen down the road. I admitted to being poor, and then did a relatively good job at not letting money (or lack there of) control me. 

Despite being somewhat in limbo, we made good progress in figuring out what me might want to do and where we might want to go and then making some concrete steps in those directions. I also sense that I'm starting to solidify as an adult. I want to write more about this later, but there are aspects about that process that I like, and then some that I don't like. I've become more open, and in some cases more staunch, about both my spiritual and political beliefs, and I've even dared to let those two become entwined, and often in public. I'm also less embarrassed about that being unpopular. 

Even though I'm bidding 2016 goodbye feeling good, there were some really terrible and/or stressful times in 2016 too. It was a very bloody year the world over, and that weighs on me, even as it has driven me to make important actionable changes in my life. It was also a devastating year for several of my closest friends, and I struggle with how to adequately share such great burdens. 

In my personal life, I realized that I was almost certainly dealing with postpartum depression. I wasn't feeling sad so much as indifferent or angry (which is less of a textbook manifestation, and therefore not one I was on the lookout for) and only once I was out of the woods in that regard (at least a year after giving birth to Ira) did I notice what a toll it had taken on me and on my marriage. Especially taking that into account, I feel content with the size of my family as it is, and surprised at how I only feel more certain of that as time goes on. {image}

Hand in hand with having PPD behind me, I've felt that I've come alive again, enjoying my work selling vintage items and books (@retroriot/@retroriotreads) immensely and all the knowledge I've gained through that experience. It's also allowed me to be a part of a new-to-me community that I've greatly appreciated. With the shops and other things as well, I feel like I'm succeeding at something again, which makes me less anxious to set goals for myself, which in the past have sometimes been a way for me to convince myself that I wasn't flailing around in life, doing nothing and going nowhere. 

Still, I remain a believer in lists and the idea that goals are more likely to be met if you set them. 
Here is a look at my goals from last year and some ideas for things I would like to start on in 2016. 

2015 goal assessment:

• Earn the Pampered Chef incentive trip to the Bahamas. (nopeee, and I have not missed that job since quitting in February, even though I'm glad I gave it a try) 
• Complete at least 3 more classes at APUS. 
• Make progress with Jonas's school/our future situation. 
• Build up a nest egg - have more in the bank at this time next year than we do now.  (I think we do have a little bit more, despite two cars dying and an unplanned international trip) 
• Not let other's opinions be my standard - not that I don't care about other people's opinion at all, but not let my goals be molded to their goals for me. 
• Focus on being a good listener. (needs more work) 
• Yoga 1x/week. (I did a little bit, but far from once a week)
• Visit a museum I've never been to before.
• Have friends over for dinner once a month. (epic, epic fail) 
• Cook something I've never cooked before from a hard-copy cookbook, once a month. (I didn't hit once a month, but I did do one or two recipes from a book)

2016 goals:

• Begin collecting art
• Begin investing money beyond my 401K/IRA
• Submit writing to a publication I haven't submitted to before
• Read the Koran, at least in part, as well as read the Bible 
• Become involved in my local Muslim community 
• Visit the CRM plant in San Diego
• Jonas apply to Otis
• Figure out when/how to get Ishmael started in school
• Have $10k in the bank by Jan 2017

And in very brief, non-exclusive form...

Best of 2015:

• Tasted: Chai Lemonade, Mian Pian, Summer Spaghetti Salad, Goshi Sushi (SLO), Imperial bar (Goleta), Industrial Easts (Buelton), 85C Bakery (LA area) 
• Watched: Peaky Blinders, Big Hero 6
• Read: The New Bohemians (Justina Blakeny), Fire in the Blood (Irene Nemrikovsky), and many, many fantastic articles which I made an effort to make time for this year
• Heard [will remind me of 2015]: TV on the Radio's album "Seeds", Japanese House, Lianne Le Havas' album "Blood", Melody Gardot 
• Browsed: Messy Nessy Chic, Hither & Thither, Vox
• Experienced: Road trip to Oregon to visit Jonas' brother and his family, got to meet some dear friends from online high school in person for the first time, was honored to be in two weddings - my sister Annelise's and my childhood friend Danielle's, spent Christmas in CO while Jonas went to Japan to be in his long-time friend Chris' wedding 

Happy new year, friends! If I sent out holiday cards, this would probably be the family picture you'd get. 

Sometimes my impulse is to wish people a "great" or "wonderful" year, and I do wish that, but more than that, I wish for each of you that when the disappointment and hurt comes, that it will shape you to be stronger, wiser, and more aware of how precious you are to our great God and to those who love you.