"Slowing Down is Medicine," I bragged recently (a phrase borrowed from Dr. Sarah Campbell). It's not fair to call it a brag exactly, because it's something I've been diligent in pursuing and maintaining, and I'm very proud of that progress. It's ironic that I'm attempting to give some pointers on slowing down during the holidays in more-or-less bullet points (there are accompanying slides on my Instagram), because this has taken me years of therapy and some gut wrenching decisions to get "right" for myself. And it might be a life-long process! Slowing down is not just for the holidays, by any means, but it's a time where I've often felt extra stressed, and I'm guessing some of ya'll are feeling that right now too.
As with any advice, I believe that someone must want change in order to achieve it. There is no such thing as changing your life without, you know, changing your life. By which I mean, to go from chronically stressed to slowing down, you have to rework the foundation of your values and practices. And not every factor of our lives is within our control. Slowing down isn't something you accomplish by reading a blog post or even a book. It's very serious. But I believe it's worth doing.
1. Setting Expectations
I love many of the traditions and the surprises of the holiday season. But I also developed high anxiety surrounding the holidays. For the past several years I've been deeply affected by losses, traumas, sizable ideology shifts, lifestyle shifts, and a lil something called a global pandemic. Multiple holidays at the end of the year just kept pushing me past my breaking point. Even things that are built into the Christian tradition of Christmas that are meant to help us reflect rather than implode at the end of the year (Advent), felt like more work.
I'm sorry to say that Advent has become rather commercialized. If things that are meant for good end up making you feel miserable and inadequate, they aren't good for you right now. I give myself permission to skip or pause rituals for as long as I need to. Observing Advent to whatever specific standards we want to or think we should is not worth panic attacks, insomnia, crying in the bathroom, etc. There's also a lot of pressure to give charitably at the end of the year. If it causes you suffering, just don't do it. There are other ways and other times to give.
It is very hard for us to slow down. It means saying no to a lot of things we love. Good things! Saying no to good things doesn't make intuitive sense to humans. I love fancy little foods, dressing up, exciting the kids with presents, gifting friends the most thoughtful gift, scoring deals, decking the halls in pink vintage decor, my siblings flying out from California, opening stockings, watching White Christmas with my sisters, putting together a book advent every year (a new picture book to open and read each day with my kids), and going to parties. But I do NOT love doing all of it, all the time.
A note about privilege. Most of my writing in the past several years has revolved around class, power, and wealth. Do I have more or less of those things than others? And based on that answer, what are my responsibilities? The answers can change based on one's perspective or ideology, and also our ideologies and perspectives should change throughout the course of our lives (that's what growth is!).
Right now, I'm in a part of my life where I have very little paid work. I have mixed emotions about this. I like to work, but I do not like to be exploited. In the United States at this time in history, not a lot of jobs are ethical. You either work yourself to the bone (your body is being exploited) for high pay, you aren't paid a living wage, or you're exploiting others (working very little, raking in cash; a lot of "white collar" jobs are this category, in my opinion). At the same time, most working class jobs are both extremely demanding and offering untenable wages. I recognize the reality of the options, and part of slowing down is making sacrifices in our consumerism habits so that we begin to combat the culture of working ourselves or others to death (I recognize there's SO much more to be discussed on this topic, and that's a long lifestyle change of its own).
Buying groceries shouldn't be consumerism. Food isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. A lot of necessities are sold to the highest bidder in our economy (read this article if you feel like raising your blood pressure), and that's bad for everyone, and our planet. We're dealing with intense capitalist corruption while also trying to step outside the system wherever we can as a form of resistance. There is no formula for how to do that.
I contribute less than one grocery bill's worth of income to our household in terms of cash these days. I also do a lot of unpaid labor, by choice, or because I can't afford to pay someone else to do it so that I can work outside the home. I never aspired to be a stay-at-home mom, but that's been my primary vocation for a decade now. I don't need to be reminded that it's "the most important job" or that it's a "real job" - I know that! It's the hardest, most important job, and it's unpaid.
The [sometimes extensive] community work I do is also unpaid. I do it because I believe in its importance. Even so, not having a restaurant or office job like I have in the past has given me a window to practice slowing down in areas where I have control over my own life pace. For the first time in our lives, my husband is well paid for his hard work and we can meet our financial needs with one income. Having time to practice fewer demands on myself is a privilege, even though it shouldn't be. I acknowledge that, even while I'm fierce and serious that I've made difficult choices (or not had a real choice at all) to gain it. I acknowledge that wonderful and dedicated people are caught in a system that works them to death to be able to afford a pitiful standard of living. Even "bad" people shouldn't be worked or fed like slaves. Part of slowing down is fighting to normalize a healthier pace for others, too.
2. Your Body Is On Your Side
I know the signs my body gives when I'm beginning to push myself too far. "Too Far" is maddeningly little compared to what I used to get done. But remember, slowing down is medicine! The alternative is medicine for having overdone it, and that's an even more bitter pill. Especially with the state of health insurance and health care in this country, slowing down is preventative care.
The signs of acute stress for me are a tightened chest, frantic thoughts, painful tension in my neck, and sometimes mouth sores. Get to know your own body's signs. I insist on getting 8+ hours of sleep every night. I lay down during the day if I start to feel physical signs of exhaustion. If I have the sniffles, I don't try to push through, I get in bed and watch TV and stay hydrated. I still feel dramatic when I do this for a common cold, but it takes me 24 hours or so to recover now, compared to days of feeling awful if I don't slow down at the sniffles stage. Worth it!!!
Two other slow-health practices I've incorporated are making "accomplishment lists" and reading physical books. I still make to-do lists and calendar reminders for myself, but an accomplishment list helps me to see what I have done rather than what I haven't done. Meal planning, grocery shopping, babysitting, organizing meetings, or even taking care of my fingernails takes time. Writing it down as accomplished helps me see that I am working and contributing, even if I'm not paid. Secondly, screens have eroded my ability to focus on one thing for very long and to practice being present, so reading physical books is one way I combat the urge to reach for my phone.
3. Setting boundaries isn't mean.
Boundaries shouldn't be used to manipulate others into always getting our way, but even healthy and compassionate boundaries can feel harsh if it's a new practice. You can work your way up to a fully-stated boundary (more on that in a sec), especially if you're in the process of establishing your adult choices as separate from the sway of matriarchs or patriarchs in your family. You get to decide which houses you do or don't visit on a holiday, especially if you're trying to visit multiple families in one day. You aren't obligated to do certain things in a certain way every single year.
Part of slowing down for me is saying no to certain gatherings (even some I want to go to) so that I can be in good spirits at the few events I do attend. You may worry that this is the one time of year where everyone can be together or the one time of year you see certain people. If you need to say no to a holiday gathering but want to see someone who you rarely see, prioritize visiting them or inviting them over at another time! Thanksgivings with just friends have been some of the most relaxed and enjoyable that I've had. In light of that, I've started stating my boundaries to my extended family about my capacity to contribute or participate during a holiday, in hopes that family gatherings can have the same relaxed expectations as friend gatherings.
Something that helped me ease into saying "no" when there are so many expectations and emotions around family gatherings is the ol' alternatives trick. In the beginning, stating my boundaries caused its own stress because I struggled to handle people being upset at me. Instead of saying "I won't be there" (though that's okay, and you don't owe explanations if you've already communicated your boundaries), you can start with, "I can't make x date, but I can _____." Maybe you can drop off food if it's needed. Maybe you can suggest an alternative time to meet up after the holidays (we all know that suggesting "some other time" simply doesn't happen, so offer actual dates and times as alternatives). If you can't or don't want to reschedule, a heartfelt text to say, "I can't be there, but I want you to know I love you and thank you for always inviting me" can go a long way.
For work boundaries, try offering alternatives like, "I won't be able to get to that today, but it's on my calendar for Monday." You're saying no to [often manufactured] urgency by communicating a timeline that you can sanely deliver in. I love this method because it gives you time to strategize about a solution and do your best work instead of being flustered into overcommitting on the spot. Most things are not as urgent as they're made out to be. If you run a small business, consider what you might be able to do to create an alternative boost during another time of the year so that you don't kill yourself in November and December trying to take part in the merchandising arms race.
One boundary faux pas that most of us Millennials are guilty of is constant cancelations. Within the relationships you want to build or maintain, please don't be a consistent canceler. Consistently canceling on people isn't a boundary, it's a disrespect of the gift of other people's time. If you don't want to do something, don't commit to it in the first place!
I'm as relieved to stay home and watch TV in bed with my boys and my cat as my friends are. I struggle against agoraphobia, thanks to stress, anxiety, and the pandemic. I'm not proud or ashamed, I'm just aware and trying to stay healthy. Traveling, especially with kids (through no fault of theirs), is almost unmanageable for me right now. But I care about my friends and family and I truly want to nurture my closest relationships. I'm cautious with my commitments, but I do my utmost to stick to them when they're made. I rarely feel like the anxiety outweighed the benefit of sticking to the limited social engagements I make.
I utilize the alternatives method around socializing with friends and the mutual urge to cancel. In an effort to slow down, consider compromises if you're able, such as "I can't fly to you, but I would love to pay for/split your flight fare if you can visit me." Or "I can't drive to your city, but would you be willing to meet in a town halfway between us?" Or "I'm sick [or my kids are sick] but I'd still really love to spend time with you. Could we sit outside, or Facetime instead of [original suggestion]?" Taking the extra time or thought to offer an alternative communicates a lot of love and care.
4. Limit custom projects.
God bless Pinterest moms, but have you tried crafting with children? Lol. If handmaking things is your love language, that's fantastic, but other things will have to fall by the wayside. My practice around special holiday projects is to choose two things to cook from scratch or make with special attention. For everything else, find a good store bought brand (my favorite, possibly sacrilegious hack is frozen mashed potatoes) or let your family and guests take care of the rest of the meal. Long live potlucks!
At the end of the year, I start remembering all the special and nostalgic treats and I want to make or eat them all, but I end up doing a lot of extra cooking or planning or trying to fit it all in, and that is the opposite of slowing down. If I just do two special things, it's a low bar, but still provides the good feels.
Wrap two gifts in beautiful paper and delicious ribbon, then put the rest in gift bags.
5. Take pressure off yourself or others to create the BEST or BIGGEST or MOST memorable Christmas/party/gift/moment.
I read advice about wedding planning one time that your wedding day is not the only (or maybe even the best!) party of your life. So don't worry about making every detail the end-all, be-all. There will be other parties/Christmases. Perfect is the enemy of the good, etc. I love that advice for the holidays too. For example, this year I let go of being a completist about my decorations. The way I decorate my tree has a lot of steps and after about 4 steps and many hours, I called it a year and put the other layers away. I can use the rest of it some other time, but this year, 4 layers looks great and that's enough.
One of my favorite holiday memories was going to a tourist town 30 minutes from our home the day after Christmas, on a whim. It was just me, Jonas, and our kids, who were toddlers at the time. We bought candy at a candy store, walked through a plant nursery, and watched otters play in the bay. It was 10 times more enjoyable than Christmas the previous day.
6. Institute simpler gift exchanges within large groups.
My husband is one of 6 children and I am one of 5. Now that 11 siblings are adults, many of whom have partners and kids, gift planning just for siblings and niblings is a massive undertaking. Jonas and I are now splitting the load by each shopping for specific people. Among my siblings and associated partners, each adult shop for one other adult, and that's it. Giving gifts is one of my love languages and I love doing it, but getting to focus money and thought toward one special gift instead of checking boxes for every sibling and partner is sanity saving. Also, our Secret Santa isn't secret at all, we just raffle all the names.
I've dialed back my gifts for small children within our families too. After 10 Christmases with kids of my own, getting another toy that won't be played with and will add clutter is just a waste for everyone! Of course we're appreciative of people who give things to our kids to show affection, but the sum of everything can also be overwhelming for our kids, so sometimes we hide excess gifts to open another time. Our families are good on the concept of experience-gifts, but I'm still working that into my budget to give to others.
I've also dialed back my material gift-giving to friends. I love getting a gift or note from a friend around Christmas, but when I'm the giver, I will easily over-burden my budget by shopping or overburden my time in trying to make affordable gifts by hand. It's the opposite of slowing down. If I give a gift to a friend one year, I often feel I've set myself a precedent to give them a gift the following year. To some extent, I do feel that amount of effort put out correlates to a measure of closeness with someone, and that if I don't keep up my gift list every year, people will feel the absence because of the precedent. But I can be kind and warm and hospitable without giving a material gift. Or I can use the alternative of a "just because" gift or card at some other time in the year. Who wouldn't treasure a surprise like that in March, for example?!
If you love to give gifts but just need a break, give yourself a year off. Or plan to buy one gift per month throughout the year and save them up until December.
7. Prioritize.
"Is this worth it?" I'm nothing if not an existentialist! How you define "this" and "it" in the question "is this worth it?" is personal. Culture and social position (privilege) definitely factor in too. But my point is this: when I'm presented with multiple overwhelming choices, or my physical or mental health is suffering, I quickly take stock of my priorities. I even do pro/con lists on paper to help me visualize my options.
Is staying out late worth feeling sick? (It's okay if the answer is occasionally YES!) Is expressing my true feelings worth angering someone else? Is angering or disappointing someone else worth the potential consequences? Is not protecting my own boundaries worth feeling broken and resentful? Is not having extra income worth the opportunity to rest? The answer doesn't have to be the same every time and the answers might surprise you. Be open to surprising answers. Slowing down has been worth an enormous amount to me. It's been worth shifting my very identity and how I view myself. You are worthy of rest, too.
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