Best Media of 2018

My previous post was a recap of my year in more personal terms, but here is the soundtrack (of sorts) to 2018. I would love to read any comments you have if you've also heard/read/seen any of the things I enjoyed this past year.

Music (because it's one of the most effective time capsules, don't you think?):
I spent a fair amount of music-listening time this year wanting to feel comforted and not wanting to have to think about exactly what song might be the perfect fit, so I listened to a lot of older Coldplay, actually. They're not necessarily happy songs, but they're familiar and calming to me.

Most of the new music that I listened to (whether newly released or just new-to-me) ended up having political undertones. I found this medium a clearer commentary of life in modern America than any written word I can think of. I think the written word is still the most powerful to me in general, but I'm distrustful of it lately, partly because the volume is at 11 and I have trouble sifting through fact and fiction, or being okay with letting any of it speak to me for whatever its worth, regardless of the the "truth" or lack there of there within. Anyway, I've been adding to a playlist called Resistance Party that's all songs that - to me - directly address the times. In some cases, these songs actually taught me. The playlist is rap-heavy as I think this genre is what folk used to be in terms of commentary.



One of the most striking songs (to me) is an old one by Nina Simone called Missisippi Goddam that I heard for the first time this year. Definitely not a song of hers you might have heard at a dinner party.

Another one that really struck me is Thy Neighbor by Jackie Hill Perry, which starts out, "The church is held together by the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, this is why I can't be a true christian and say I love Jesus but I can't stand the church," followed later by the funny but also convicting "the Jesus in me sees the Jesus in you." Damn, sister!

Childish Gambino's song  This is America (and it's video) got a lot of buzz this year, and I'm noting it here, not because I listened to it a ton, but because after hearing the buzz, I sat down to watch the video (with Ira on my lap) and like everyone else, was stunned by the sudden point-blank shooting a few seconds into the video. I was very shaken since Ira saw it and it was very hard to explain that it was real but not real - and I guess that's the whole point. Real but not real enough but so real.

Artist of the year: Cardi B (I love her on many levels, and I am still not tired of her song "I Like It"). Not to mention that she in my top 3 best dressed celebrities in 2018 (Zendaya was another, for anyone curious).
Best love song: Denim by Priscilla Renea
Biggest earworm: I Won't Hurt You by The West Coast Pop Experimental Band (Isle of Dogs)
Best discovery: boygenius (thanks Michelle!)

Live shows: I saw Lily Allen live, an artist I've admired for a long time! 

Best soundtrack: the musical (that I haven't seen) The Band's Visit.
Best album: Janelle Monae's Dirty Computer and it's accompanying "Emotion Picture", a music video montage of about 6 of the songs off the album. I think my mouth was a-gape the entire time I watched it. Daring, Sexy, Powerful, Explosively Creative.

Movies and Shows:
(in rough order of how well known I think they are)

• Coco
• Westworld (season 1)
• Isle of Dogs
• Blackkklansman. The quality of the movie itself was all over the place, but the premise of the is riveting and it provided a much needed jolt concerning my outlook on race relations.
• Maniac (Netflix; bizarre, funny Jonah Hill and Emma Stone show about a drug trial)
• Kim's Convenience (Netflix; absolutely hilarious Canadian sitcom with special interest for Asian-Americans and dads-and-daughters)
• Legion (the most un-Marvel Marvel show you'll see, in the best way. Quality varies by season, in my opinion).
• Method (Netflix; a Russian detective show that is very intense but fascinating. Intriguing mental illness component)
• Babylon Berlin (Netflix; amazing German period drama, for fans of Peaky Blinders)
• Rise of the Phoenixes (Netflix; 70+ hour-long episodes of Chinese historical drama; beautiful, clever, intricate, tragic, and worth overlooking the cheesy bits)

Books:
Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses. I felt so lost in this book at first, but the writing style is unlike anything I've ever read, and it is awe inspiring. I was also encouraged by this book that there isn't "one right way" in order for writing to be truly great.

Similarly, I read many sections of Why We Write (edited by Meridith Maran) which inspire me to write whenever I pick it up and helps me ward off impostor syndrome as I identify with all sorts of feelings and thoughts shared by other writers in that book.

I read 11 1/2 books of the Bible, Judges being my favorite and John being my least favorite. I hope to elaborate another time.

Pearl S. Buck's autobiography, My Several Worlds. I find so much comfort and wisdom in her thoughts and experiences as a white woman raised in China and spending adulthood in the United States. I appreciate how cantankerous she was in some ways; it seems only natural for a life both wonderful and tumultuous and gives validation to my own sort of stormy inner self.

The least well-written book I read was The Painted Kiss by Elizabeth Hickey. It's historical fiction based on the relationship between the famous painter Gustav Klimt and his muse, Emilie. It was enjoyable and I learned a lot about Austrian history, but I was not overly impressed with its quality in terms of "literature."

We listened to the novel Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynee Jones as an audiobook and it was thoroughly enjoyed by our whole family. It will be very familiar to anyone who has seen the movie adaptation, but it's different enough to warrant a read. It also quotes a John Donne poem, and nothing endears me more than when a book (or sermon, tbh) I'm enjoying quotes something that I love and am familiar with.

Podcasts:
I was encouraged by some episodes of Exploring My Strange Bible (the ones on Why Church Matters, thanks to my friend Luke!) and the Liturgists podcast (particularly "Prophet or Ass" and "Church Unity"). I also read several chapters of The Gospel Comes with a Housekey by Rosaria Butterfield that gave me a few gold nuggets to hang on to (I guess that should go under books, but it fits this section better).

Visual media:
There is so much (so much!) visual content that inspires me throughout the year, and I try and share it periodically in my stories on Instagram. I'm always dumping stuff into my Pinterest vortex too. Jonas and I did stop by the Getty Musuem for the first time in many years to see a fashion history exhibit that was amazing, as well as some of the other visiting exhibits. I also started following hashtags on Instagram (I'm not sure if that feature was new to 2018 or not) and it's a great way to discover all sorts of new things. I took part in the #fjnine challenge many times, pulling photos from my feed to match the weekly color scheme. Here are the collages I made, all with my own photos.

I can't wait to discover new things and uncover old things in 2019.

How to Stuff a Stocking

I don't know how it is in your family, but stockings are often cited as the best part of gifting in our house (and my husband's, growing up!). It also seems to be something that everyone does a little differently - price wise, and content wise. Sometimes it's hard for me to find enough stuff to fill a stocking, or other times I have plenty of stuff but I blow my entire gift budget filling it. I don't have a "right" way that I'm pushing, but I still wanted to share some of my ideas and hopefully glean some good ones from you guys.

The Stocking Itself
First of all, I believe that the stocking itself should be a meaningful. There are seriously oodles of cool ones. Personally, I'm not too into the matching ones, the monogrammed ones, or teeny ones. But that excludes most people's stockings, so don't listen to me....

My family (except for me, incidentally) has hand-knit ones which aren't exactly stunningly beautiful, but they are personal and special. My mother in law made my boys' stockings that have Chinese silk on one side - Ishmael's even has dragons for his Chinese zodiac sign! My brother in law (sister's husband) has an enormous one that is twice the size of anyone else's in our family and we ridicule him mercilessly.

I think these kantha stockings from Little Moon Clothing are beautiful, available here. I like the earlier version (I'd saved an image from their Instagram last year, inset) even better! World Market also has some that I love this year, like this embroidered floral one, and this llama one (eeee!).

A fellow artist/seller on Instagram @OurTribeMarket posted this photo of her family's stockings and shared their tradition of adding a new piece of trim each year. Isn't that neat?! I love the way they look.

Traditional Stocking Stuffers
I didn't look up any historical stocking stuffers or anything, but I did want to mention some items that are on heavy rotation in our family. Part of the trick of stuffing a stocking well is to balance truly exciting things with some more affordable "space takers". One other thing I want to mention that I read somewhere is the "rule" of buying every-day-ish things that someone else can't really justify buying for themselves very often, like beef jerky! I'm never not excited to be given beef jerky.

Fruit and nuts - Growing up, we always got a larger piece of fruit and pistachios as filler in between small toys or other items. The fruit was often special, like a mango (especially if mangoes were hard to come by) or a pomegranate. We never had pistachios as a snack during the rest of the year, so that was a treat too, even though I would now put it into the "filler" category.

Unique collections - For a few years in a row, I got Jonas a netsuke (a small Japanese carving) and he got me music boxes, but we haven't stuck to that religiously. This year I bought all my boys an owl-related ornament because of the two owls that live in our yard, but annual ornaments from multiples factions of our family can become a little overwhelming so I probably won't do that every year.

*To the right, here, is a picture of what I put in my little boys' stockings last year. The Spiderman thing is one of those washclothes that expand in water. Once I've picked out some nicer things (action figure, stuffed toy, etc.) I usually go to the Dollar store and top it off with whatever little things I can find. The struggle for me is not buying junk just so I can fill a stocking, because you know I'm the one that is then driven crazy by the amount of useless little bobbles in our house.*

Self-care - My mom often put mascara or razors in our stockings. Even if we didn't need them right away, it was always nice not to have to buy those things for yourself. Those things were often somewhat of a luxury on their own during our years in China, too. Last year, she bought my little boys some soap in special shapes to make bath time even *more* exciting. If you have kids, I'm sure you know how much they love special band aids. And while it's not exactly self-care, last year I put a pack of batteries in each boy's stocking for their new and old toys that need them.

The fun stuff - Everything else requires some creativity. Some of my favorites are an issue of a niche magazine, rollerball perfumes from Sephora (though those will still set you back like $25), smaller-amount gift cards, pins and patches for denim jackets or bags, a handwritten letter or small drawing, a special pocket square or tie, "special things" for your spouse (interpret as you will), and specialty candies like my personal favorite, double salt black licorice. (Probably don't put that in most people's stockings though, they'll think you hate them, lol). Grocery Outlet has a good selection of Lindor chocolates, and sometimes fancy gummy bears and Haribo products too. For your healthy family members (blehhhh), Trader Joe's has the best and most affordable selection of dried fruit and nuts (I love the dried orange slices and chili lime cashews). Other specialty food items (like pomegranate molasses, for my Ottolenghi fans) would be exciting for the chefs in your life.

*Here's what I put in my husband Jonas' stocking last year. The rolled up cloth is a button-down shirt, the little brown bottles were supposed to be for his taxidermy collections, but I was having a really hard time finding the kind of thing I was envisioning. He's been using these little ones to hold tiny feathers he finds. The box that says "Andar" is a slim wallet that he really needed, and the thingy next to it is a carved gourd that I found at a thrift store. He really likes to drink yerba mate, which is an Argentinian tea-like drink usually drunk from a gourd. The jar is home-made passion fruit jam that my friend Coreen made, and that cheese has caramelized onions which is so good, but I don't usually buy it because the taste and smell stays with you for everrrr.*

This list has lots of ideas, my favorite probably being diaper genie refill bags. I never had a diaper genie, but I heard that the bags were a bit expensive and that's such a nice thing to not have to spend your own money on. One thing that I didn't see on there that I just remembered was a roll up measuring tape. I'm sure you could find a much cheaper not-vintage one than this, but it is super handy to have in your bag (at least for me). I also liked the idea of spices and flower seeds, among others. I also got a kick out of these "lumps of coal" although you could probably upgrade to pumice or some other fancy self-care version?!

Do you have fun stocking memories or traditions or ideas? Do tell!

Dressing Boys in Style (on a Budget)

I enjoy finding clothes for my sons to wear much more than I expected to. I take pride in the fact that people notice how nice they look, even as my personal style has become largely characterized by granny sweats and bags under my eyes. It's also rewarding to see my boys take an interest in their appearance and express their personalities through what they wear. I'm not a very girly-girl in some ways, but I was really looking forward to dressing a girl at some point. When I had two sons, I thought that I was going to have to wait until my siblings or friends had daughters in order to play dress up, but Ishmael loves nothing better than when I buy him new clothes and he proudly picks out his own outfits too.

On the other hand, I did not expect Ishmael to take such an interest at such a young edge, expressing distaste for some of the clothes I would like him to wear. It's hard to know when I should let him do things his way, and when to put my foot down about my boys wearing certain items they don't want to wear "just because". For example, not wanting to wear vintage sweaters is understandable because they're often itchy (I can usually talk them into putting something on just for a picture), but if they can't tell me why they don't like something, especially if they were fine wearing it last week, I'm more likely to override their preference. This often ends in tears, which is frustrating for everyone, so we're still working on how to navigate some of these personal style vs. hygiene vs. practicality battles.

I don't want their appearance to be something that either I or they obsess over. I want them to be comfortable and able to actually live in their clothing, and I don't want to raise them thinking that people who don't enjoy putting a lot of effort into their outfits are "less cool" or lazy or whatever other labels I might be tempted to affix to the less clothes-loving population of parents and children. Style has everything to do with personal choice and personal taste. It's 100% valid to put your energies elsewhere.

From that, it follows that the most basic key to dressing boys in a stylish and interesting way is to actually take great interest in the task, and that's not a priority of everyone's. (Why can't cleaning the house be a passion of mine too?!) Although it's much easier than it used to be, I still think that dressing sons in a practical yet non-dorky way takes more effort than it does with girls. It's certainly doable, but I thought I'd share some of my tips and tricks for those who have commented on how much they like what my boys wear. Oh, and this should go without saying since we're the near-penniless children of missionaries and hippies, but I'm very much a budget-conscious stylist/shopper! I don't have an actual budget for clothes at this point, but almost never do I buy something at full price. I buy clothes for the boys as they need them or if I see a good deal or something especially cool. They do have a lot of clothes, but what Ishmael has gets passed to Ira, and what Ira grows out of we pass on or save for cousins or resell.

First of all, my ground rules are no white and no text. It truly boggles my brains why people bother even making children's clothes in white! Or is it only my children who stain everything they touch?! Putting boys (and I assume girls, too) in white clothing might as well being burning dollar bills, in my book. I also file this under "dressing practically" because it's sad for parents and children alike to have to say "please don't play in the dirt" or "lean over your plate!!!" (10,000x) just to try and save a white shirt. I did buy Ishmael one shirt that has blue crocodiles on a white background because I loved it so much (so does he) but I make him take it off at every mealtime. Clothing shouldn't restrict play or other daily activities, in my opinion. Some exceptions are made for special occasions, but then you have to be willing to see an item ruined on the first wear. I've more or less given up wearing white or pastels as a parent of toddlers either.

On the subject of clothing with text on it, it's very difficult to do this "right", in my opinion, so we just stay away from it altogether. Text on children's clothing is usually ridiculous ("TRUCK LOVER" or "Auntie's favorite red-headed wonder".... please! This is cute to no one but you) or inappropriate. There are certainly snarky or funny words on kid's clothing that I think is funny sometimes, but the fact is that it's not the child choosing to make this statement, it's the parents. Snarky or funny things on shirts almost always offend someone, so why make your child the object of that sort of attention when they don't really understand the message they're wearing across their chest anyway? To be honest, I generally extend this rule to myself too. I very rarely see someone else's shirt with text that I think is tasteful.

I think my only other advice, beside where to find good boy clothing, is not to confine shopping for boy's clothes to the boy's section of stores or websites. I "cross dress" my boys all the time, and no one knows, including my boys. Clothing made for girls is often slimmer and more colorful, which are both style choices, not really gender-related. Putting my boys in girls pants is a life-saver - both of my sons have long skinny legs and no rump to speak of, so their pants are often much too big in the waist but not long enough. Target sells pants that have that nifty elastic-and-button system inside the waistband so that you can adjust the waist, but if you have trouble finding the right proportions in other brands, definitely take a look in the girls section. I do double check to make sure that back pockets don't have floral stitching, rhinestones, buttons with overly feminine designs, or lining that is obviously for girls. Girls also have a much better selection of leggings, which is very helpful especially for younger kids (crawling stages) because regular pants and jeans tend to be bulkier and have strange proportions that make movement (and even getting dressed) more difficult for babies. To this day, Ira prefers the two pair of [girl] leggings he has, a black and white geometric print and a red plaid, to all his other pant options.

Now, I will share some "secrets" of where to shop for cool clothes for boys. I am not shy about asking people where they bought something that I see their kids wearing. I screenshot it on my phone if it's something I see on Instagram, and then I search for a gently used version online. Some accounts (like @fancytreehouse) have already tagged the brands they're wearing, so you can tap on the picture and find all the sources. Sometimes in order to get a cheaper price you have to wait a while to until the item is out of season of several collections old (like at Target or GAP for example, which have limited runs of each style), but I don't mind that.

I used to buy a lot of clothes for the boys on Instagram from other moms who love to thrift or who are selling off clothes their kiddos have outgrown. Since Instagram moved to the algorithm system about a year ago, buying and selling on Instagram is not as convenient, but many sellers have moved to other platforms where you can still find them, and there's not as many people trying to go after what is still available on Instagram. If you haven't bought on Instagram before, the basic rules are commenting on something you want with a comment like "sold" or "me please" and then the seller will send you an invoice via paypal (after you provide your email via direct message). I haven't utilized this very much, but if you know what you're looking for, you can search Instagram by hashtag, such as #minirodiniforsale.

I don't think I've ever bought clothes for the boys on Ebay, and maybe one item on Etsy, but that's an option. Etsy is expensive and Ebay is hard to navigate, in my opinion, and hard to find items on. I prefer the Kidizen app which is exclusively for children's items. You can enter the sizing and gender preferences of your children (or not - you don't have to set parameters) and search all kinds of kids clothing, mostly gently used. You can also search by keyword or hashtag if you know exactly what you want. Many sellers are willing to negotiate on prices or bundle (a discount for buying multiple items) if you ask (same on Instagram). Some, particularly on Instagram, are willing to trade as well. I use Kidizen to resell too, but I like being able to specify the size I want which you can't do on Instagram. There is SO much cute stuff in the 12 month to 2T range in vintage clothing and even regular clothing, but kids tend to be harder on their clothes in the 3T-5T range, so less vintage clothing from that size bracket has survived the past several decades, and less of it is in good enough shape to resell, even if it's a modern brand. Snatch up something you like if you see it in that size!

I do love to thrift shop, but I don't find many clothes (especially in the 3-5T range) that I like for my boys while thrifting. You have to sift through a lot of junk to land on anything good, and I don't usually have the time or energy. The last time I was in the Whittier Savers thrift shop, they had organized their clothing by gender and size and I actually found quite a few great pieces! But that is rare for me. Also rare, but sometimes you hit on a great pile of stuff (vintage, mostly) that has come in as one donation. If you find one thing you like, it's worth checking on the racks close by in case there are more items donated by the same person. The rarest of all, in my experience, is finding a good stash of vintage kids clothing at estate sales, but those are usually the best - in good condition and all in one spot! I like many vintage styles (often well made and not dorky), but vintage sizing is often considerably smaller than modern sizing. If you're buying vintage online, make sure to go by the actual measurements provided (almost all vintage sellers will offer them), not the vintage tags. Another cool thing about vintage is that not many people want it, so once you have a trained eye and/or dress your kids in vintage, people will start bringing it to you.

Consignment stores or events can be good too. I haven't utilized the stores around here very much (they are quite small), but especially when I was shopping for smaller sizes, the Moo La La Boutique that happens twice a year at the Santa Maria fairgrounds was amazing. There are a few sellers who have styles I really like, and the clothes are tagged with seller numbers, so you can kind of shop by style in that way. I find that foreign brands (Japanese and French, in particular) are often stylish and they are affordable on consignment, especially since most people don't want to buy something they don't recognize, so these really good pieces can be on the cheaper side! Having a non-mainstream style can be challenging, but as I mentioned above, you have less competition when you're trying to buy stuff and it's so exciting when you do find things you like!

I do find some things at GAP, HandM, Old Navy, and Target too. They all have good sales from time to time, so I stock up on basics like tshirts or solid colors or shoes to mix and match with the more unique things I find elsewhere. For some reason, I have a bit of a mental block against used pajamas, but luckily there are some pretty cute ones at GAP, for example.

If you pay attention when buying used clothing on consignment or online, you might start to notice some boutique or even designer brands that you lean toward as well. Again, I never buy these brand new, but if you hunt around, you can usually find affordable used ones. Some that I like are Harajuku Mini (was a line at Target), Tiny Whales, Prefresh, Tea Collection, Mini Rodini (pricey, even secondhand!), and Zara. I'm sure there are more I'm forgetting. My favorite Instagram shops sort of morph as my kids grow and our styles change, but we love @chalkmarks, @lovedthreads, @pipsqueaksinplaid, and @mini_fresh_hawaii to name a few. Both chalkmarks and minifreshhawaii are very popular, so you have to be very speedy (and turn on notifications for their shops on your phone) if you want to buy from them. I think I'm following about 1000 shops (not all for kids, but many are) on my Instagram shop account @retroriot, so if you're really committed, you can start there and see what catches your eye.

Happy hunting! 

Instagrammies 05/04

Here are my latest favorites on Instagram, and why. What has made you stop scrolling in your tracks recently?

@nectarandstone Is it a flower? Is it a cupcake? It's hard to say on this account, and I'm okay with that.

@japanloverme As if I wasn't already enamored with everything Japanese. But seriously, this account is a feast for the eyes, and they also sell amazing jackets, all of which I want, but especially the Stay Weird one, of course!

@marine_edith_studio If you think the average person can't or doesn't want to buy fine art anymore, you'd be wrong. These small and incredible ocean paintings sell out in minutes and they're like $500 each! Don't they remind you of little portholes? I want one.

@meandering_mari I imagine that these kaleidoscope watercolors are so therapeutic to make. Not easy, but all that paper cutting and arranging must be satisfying when it comes together as a paper quilt in such pleasing structures and colors. This account has lots of beautiful paint swirls and dollops in addition to the finished products.

@findingpaola I love this woman's attitude. She calls herself a Haitian fairy, and employs women to help her with her line of headwraps. This particular photo is fierce (she is on the far right), captioned "for our Granddaughters" (which I think is fantastic), but Paola's stories are gregarious and hilarious. She was posing with a friend and giggling, "don't mess with us. We'll throw glitter in your eyeballs," which is my kind of threat. Her regular style is colorful and polished, and recently she's been sharing about these fantastic dress shirts that she's altered to have patterned bell sleeves. You guessed it - I want one.

@simplymoroco I think this account might be run by a travel agency, or perhaps even the tourism bureau of Morocco, but they're doing a damn fine job of making me want to go more than ever.

@asiyami_gold Style for dayyyyz. This girl takes so many incredible trips and looks fabulous doing it. Her hair is often a wig, which I didn't realize for a long time. I know that the topic of African/African-American hair can be pretty charged, so it's interesting to see what different women do or don't reveal about their hair.

@foodwithmichel All I want to do is to drive to LA and eat my way around. I can do that vicariously through Michel. Who knew there were so many over the top hand-held eats?! I don't see food very often that I *don't* want to eat, but still, Michel and I share brain waves about what sort of junk food looks mouthwatering.

@patmcgrathreal Pat McGrath is a famous name in the fashion world as a makeup artist, and she's recently come out with her own line of shimmery "stuff", for lack of a better word, with pretty amazing results. The videos in her stories are mesmerizing and I'm totally on board for galaxy eyes and glitter lips (as if I wasn't before, ha...).

@farwestchina This guy and his family live in the city of Urumqi, in far western China, where I used to live! It's wonderful to have a connection to that place (he travels throughout the province) now that I live so far away, and I appreciate the beauty with which he captures so many subjects close to my heart.

@fancytreehouse Rare are the occasions that I am up for watching IG stories of other people's kids or even looking at pictures of other peoples kids. Fancy Tree House?! MAJOR EXCEPTION. I think Coury (isn't that a cool name?), the mama, is a fashion blogger. I love her style and how she styles her minis. She seems like a really great mom and her kids are incredibly cute. I stare at them eating cereal, that's how cute they are.

@sacraluna I don't think of myself as very into mystical stuff, but let's face it - crystals are pretty. I'm especially into the "flower glass" this artist makes! There are some pieces she's done of flowers set in glass inside the cavities of sea shells! It will delight you.

@marillustrations Paper cutting takes great precision, and I'm in awe of the layering in the incredible miniature scenes that Mar makes. The color of the food tins that often house her artwork frame each piece like trim on a colorful house. I'm so in love.

@michelle_morin Watercolors have never grabbed me the way that more saturated and textured painting often does, but Michelle Morin's work is so colorful and full of life. I also love thistles, and her paintings look very much like the area in which I live, so they are that much more beautiful to me.

I love to think that there are things that the future holds that I will love, but haven't even dreamed of yet. Who knows what will be in my next batch of IG favorites? I already have a few more in mind, but I'm also looking forward to discovering BRAND NEW things that I love. Catch you next time! 

4.5 Weddings I'm Crushing On

I have zero regrets that my wedding was simple, but I sure do love to look at weddings that are over the top. I love conceptualizing parties, but the logistics will always be a deterrent for me. I've only recently started to host people for dinner because I've always psyched myself out about how impressive everything should be (rather, how I want to it to be, because the planning is fun!) and then feel exhausted and disappointed when I try and create something on the scale of what I imagine and end up not enjoying (or simply never throwing) parties.

One of my favorite (and sometimes most embarrassing) things about this blog is being able to see how my style and opinions change over time. Way back in 2014, I did a roundup of my favorite weddings on the internet, and while that list was already reflecting my love of the unusual, my latest favorites go even further into the realm of the fantastical. You will probably notice some commonalities running throughout, not least of which is PINK!

This Pastel Kawaii wedding (part 1 and 2) is so fun. I would not choose it for my own wedding, but oh how I would love to be invited to a wedding like this! I'm less and less a believer in making major life moments look or feel "classic" or "timeless" because for one thing, that's almost impossible: even what we feel is timeless now will show its era 50 years from now. So why not let personality and quirks shine and take the opportunity to ultra-personalize events that are once-in-a-lifetime occasions?

This iridescent tablescape has been flitting about in my heart for weeks, which is saying something in terms of my attention span. It was part of an event, not a real wedding, but just imagine the wedding this might go with! It looks like it would fit right in with the Kawaii wedding, but it's a bit more polished.

Those of you fellow central-coasters will know all about the Madonna Inn. It's an ultra-kitschy hotel in San Luis Obispo, just north of where I live. In the last few years, it's become a mecca for bloggers (especially the vintage-loving variety) which gives me a bit of pride for this otherwise culture-less area, but also makes me laugh. I've only ever poked my head in at the inn, but even with my ability to see potential in the oddest places, it's a dark and dingy place. Which makes it all the more impressive that blogger's photos make it look so appealing. Teach me your filter ways! Even Grimes did a music video there! I should also mention that my husband's best friend's dad (Frank Bouget) is a legit French pastry chef (like, he's a French national) who invented the champagne cake that the Madonna Inn is known for. Some design goddesses around the internet literally order it for themselves from across the country. Lolz.

Anywayyy, it's become a bit of a destination spot for funky weddings. At this first Madonna Inn wedding, the bride wore Gucci! Then she changed into more Gucci for the reception. #Imdead. Max Wanger took the official photos which were featured in Domino Magazine, but you can see a bunch under #hellomiracle on Instagram. I love the marigolds, the glitter, the balloon drop (they were unleashed from the ceiling as the ceremony concluded), the kid's outfits, the custom bomber jackets, custom tees, neon signs, the guest's outfits... you name it, I was into it at this wedding. I happened to be driving by the hotel while this wedding was in progress, which is kind of like being at it, right?!







The second Madonna Inn wedding had a Super Pi Day theme. You should read the details on the original post and see more pictures to get the full awesomeness of the theme. I'm just here to show you pretty pictures.









This last Marie Antoinette inspired wedding was another inspiration shoot as opposed to a real wedding. There were parts of this one I would have done very differently, but I love the hair and the little eye veil!! Also the pink chandelier and the desserts.

Which is your favorite? What kind of over the top themed wedding do you dream of being invited to? 

Let It Go, Let It Gooo!

As I wrote about in detail in my previous post, I have been a burrito of sadness this week. But I left the house with my sons today and the sun was shining and animals had no idea we have a new president and people were kind to me. I should probably turn off the news in my feed because it's a slap in the face every time I see reports of hate crimes and uncertainty and fear, but I've also seen many things that have helped tilt my chin up a bit. I haven't reposted very much at all because the internet is already overloaded with opinion and commentary right now, but if you're looking for laughs or comfort, I decided to just throw it all in here to share.

This embroidered koala. 

This poem, "Still I Rise" (1978) by Maya Angelou.

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Like I said, animals aren't affected by this election. Beauty goes on without us. This video leaves me in awe, and I can't wait to drink this in when the full series is released. Make it full screen and turn up the volume, if you can.


Some powerful reminders:

"The path to your greatest potential is often straight through your greatest fear." Craig Groschel

"The point is that the relative freedom which we enjoy depends on public opinion. The law is no protection. Governments make laws, but whether they are carried out, and how the police behave, depends on the general temper in the country. If large numbers of people are interested in freedom of speech, there will be freedom of speech, even if the law forbids it; if public opinion is sluggish, inconvenient minorities will be persecuted, even if laws exist to protect them." 
George Orwell "Freedom of the Park" 


Another poem. "Evil" by Langston Hughes.

Looks like what drives me crazy
Don’t have no effect on you —
But I’m gonna keep on at it
Till it drives you crazy, too.

Hipster Buddha. 

This playlist, "Ballads for Hard Times", I made of songs that comfort me. I've been adding to it for a few months and will continue to add to it. The song I've played the most in the past week is "Holy War" by Alicia Keys which has excellent lyrics, and "It's Alright to Cry" by Francis and the Lights also feels especially fitting.


This lady's protest sign (follow the link, contains minor language). Because cats and IN YOUR FACE.

My dear Bernie keeping it real. 

This rousing reminder that the pen I possess is mightier than the sword:

"If you aspire to write, put aside all the niceties and sureties about what art should be and write something that makes the scales fall from our eyes. Forget the tired axioms about showing and telling, about sense of place—any possible obstruction—and write to destroy complacency, to rattle people, to help people, first and foremost yourself. Lodge your ideas like glass shards in the minds of everyone who would have you believe there’s no hope. And read, as often and as violently as you can."

And finally, a mantra for me right now. 

Book Review: Misunderstood

The question of identity is central to the process of every human growing up, but as a Third Culture Kid (TCK) I've found that there are extra complications in finding a personal identity in the midst of having multiple cultural identities. To ask the question "who am I?" and find no answer within ourselves or in our surroundings creates panic. Tanya Crossman's new book, Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing up Overseas in the 21st Century, is a candle to hold aloft in the midst of that panic. A tool to help TCKs begin defining their identities.

(my copy, along with jewelry from China, jewelry form the US, and jewelry bought in the US that reminds me of China)

I knew I had been quoted in the book several times, so as I read I was playing this game trying to guess my own quotes before seeing who actually said them. So often, I would go, "oh yeah, that was me" only to realize it wasn't - someone else felt word-for-word what I felt. In essence, that is the power of Misunderstood. Here you will find that the things that define you (or your child, if you're raising a TCK), whether you're aware of them or not, are common in the TCK community. To me, this is both comforting and saddening.

I had to read this book slowly because sometimes it brought up memories or realizations that required some emotional debriefing before I could resume. This book is me, growing up. What a complicated thing to review.

I first met Tanya in Beijing in 2005. I was 14, she was 24. My family was in the midst of one of the biggest transitional phases of my life and during our 6 months in Beijing, I slept on the floor of an office - there simply wasn't room for more beds in our small apartment. I wore a lot of heavy eye make up and wrote a lot of dark poetry and felt incredibly lost. Truth be told, I didn't spend a ton of time with Tanya in Beijing, partly because I just wasn't there for long, but the thing that impressed me about her was that she stuck with me when everything around me was changing.

In the following decade, we only talked a handful of times, but she's always managed to be there at these pivotal moments, gently helping me to understand that major parts of my life are not flukes, but part of this rich tapestry of a global childhood which continues to define me in adulthood. We recently got to meet up again for the first time since 2008, right here in LA!

(Me, Tanya, and fellow TCK Pauline)

I moved to China with my missionary parents soon after turning 3. Between 1994 and 2008, I moved continents or major cities 9 times (not to mention endless houses within those cities). My family returned to the US for good in 2008, just as I finished high school. My dad found work in Santa Maria, California, where I have now lived for the past 8 years. I did not plan to stay, but I met my husband, settled down (to an extent), and had two children. That's the short version of my life so far, but between all those milestones, I've grown into an adult with a life-story that's been shaped by a myriad of experiences and pulled in countless directions.

Something that I found especially valuable about Tanya's writing and research is its ability to put names to my experiences. This happened during the behind-the-scenes process of writing this book, and then continued to astonish me as I read through the finished version. Some of these realizations have been dramatic - I realized that my husband was a "fence post", a relationship that I developed immediately after repatriating that helped me navigate life in America. Initially, I felt very rattled that something so personal as a relationship that turned into marriage played right into a textbook TCK scenario. The entire book has made me question what is me, and what is simply a result of my unusual upbringing?

Within the first few pages of Misunderstood, I'd uncovered yet another major realization. Tanya includes a graphic of all the kinds of people that fall under the TCK label, including refugees, immigrants, and adoptees. I've been working toward a career advocating for the rights and well-being of refugees and immigrants, never realizing that I am likely drawn to them as my brothers and sisters by experience. I may not be fleeing war or impoverishment, but I understand the experience and what it does to ones heart, and ultimately ones entire life. I think it is a common human characteristic to seek out others who are "like us", and for me, that is the transient community.

Sometimes, I resent that I'm often defined by something that I can't control.

I have had several meet-ups with TCKs since repatriating, though not nearly as many as some other TCKs. Part of my repatriation strategy was to avoid sheltering myself in a TCK-only community. I've never attended a TCK gathering or conference or gone to therapy to discuss what sort of impact my TCK-ness has had on me. In a way, this strategy worked, but in the few times that I have met up with TCK friends, I've been astonished at how easy everything suddenly seems. Even though I no longer try and explain myself to the general public, knowing that I have nothing to explain at all in the presence of another TCK takes an invisible burden off my shoulders.



Part of the struggle of being a repatriated TCK is that in many ways, I fit in completely: I look and sound similar to the people around me, and after 8 years, I can keep up with pop culture. Most people that I know around town do not know that I was not raised in the US. On the one hand, it's a mark of success for a a TCK to blend in so seamlessly in a place, but at my core, I've simply had to quiet the parts of me that don't fit in here at all. I'm 25 and I'm still getting hit in the face by how Chinese I am - how I will never raise my voice at someone in an argument because that would only embarrass my honor.

In the book, Tanya writes, "TCKs spend a lot of time explaining. No matter where they are, someone does not understand key aspects of their life and experience." I spend a lot of time trying to deny this, because I think it causes pain for my non-TCK friends when I allude to the fact that they just "don't get it". In some ways, I like being a chameleon, but I wonder if things would be more straightforward if I looked Chinese. I have this innate desire to associate with the Chinese (or Southeast Asian) people I come in contact with in the US, but I'm not really one of them either and it must be incredibly strange to them that I stare and try and be close to them.

If I were fully Chinese, then I wouldn't have to explain how frustrated I am with America (or living in America) sometimes and how sometimes I think of myself as separate from "regular Americans". I'm American when it suits me, but I am not-fully-American/a TCK when America hurts me or confuses me. Both are true.

The feeling of belonging is a powerful experience. So powerful, in fact, that some researchers suggest that a TCK's (in the article, referred to as "in-betweeners") lack-of-belonging in a new place can make them more susceptible to the call of ISIS or other radical choices. I don't point that out to be a sensationalist, only to emphasize how important the experience of belonging (or lack of belonging) is.

One of the most powerful take-aways from Misunderstood was validation that a TCK's life is one of grief. Acceptance and the ability to work through grief is a major theme in the book. I never experienced a single event that was what I'd consider tragic - no one close to me died, no terrible illness or calamity befell me or my loved ones. Saying goodbye and being uprooted frequently was "normal" to us, and neither something that we could control or something that ever occurred to me to complain about.

I usually don't talk about being a TCK. I have wonderful memories, but I can't help but focus on the fact that I can't access that part of my life any more, even in my memories sometimes, as they begin to fade. I have a happy new life, but remembering the first half is almost always sad. In reading Misunderstood, I felt like I finally had permission to admit that the cumulative affect of loss, even if it was not actual death, broke my heart repeatedly and that I still carry those wounds, even if they have mostly healed.

Misunderstood made me realize that I might not be as at peace here in the US as I thought I was, but I see that as a positive thing. I do think that I've settled here in the US - it feels more like home than China - but sometimes I think that in order to "fully be here" I have to forget my previous life so that the hurt of losing it isn't raw. Although it sounds childish and perhaps even sad, I thought I'd more or less put being a TCK behind me. Instead, Tanya has helped me to see that being a TCK is this rich and vibrant opportunity stretching out in front of me. I believe that knowledge is power, and the more I can dive in to what has shaped my entire self, the better I will be able to overcome the parts that hold me back.

I can not overemphasize how much Misunderstood touches on every aspect of my life. My faith, my friendships, my marriage, my siblings, my parents, my patriotism, my parenting, my career. Sometimes I want to stop being a TCK, but I can't. I can't separate myself from this, so the only thing is to move forward in it and let myself be open to growth and the pain that accompanies it. Having a guidebook through this ongoing experience is something that I didn't know I needed until now.

(photo: my copy is filled with notes, realizations, and reminders to myself)

Misunderstood has also been incredibly helpful to me as a parent, as I gaug whether I want to move overseas with my own children. Right now, the answer is no. It's hard for me to say that, because I do desperately want them to experience the positive aspects of life overseas, but I'm still reeling from all the ways in which my life has been changed by being a TCK, and so much of it being defined by grief. I know that grief is a universal experience, but I hesitate to knowingly bestow it on my children. I hope to provide them with a stable home base and still be able to travel with them in more of a vacation setting.

In a practical sense, this book is not a strategy book for how to navigate life as a TCK. Instead, it is a guidebook to what defines TCKs. If I didn't feel like it would undo so much of my settling-in work, I would push this book into the hands of every non-TCK that I love.

In the dedication of Misunderstood, Tanya writes that it is "to my kids", and it made me tear up. She's never let go of us, even when so many others have. For that, she has my eternal heartfelt gratitude, and I think you will find that her book will be a comforting friend in times and situations of uncertainty, whether they are your own or your child's.

Calling Girls Names

So, divulging my girl name stash in this post means I'm pretttty done having kids. Every once in a while, I think it's a bit hasty to say that, because I never know how crazy I'll get in 10 years, but then I tried taking my boys to the thrift store by myself and I got back to writing this post when I got home. ;)

I've always been very interested in names and naming our boys was one of my favorite parts of pregnancy. Maybe the only part, other than that people were extra nice to me. I wrote out the story of both their names (Ishmael, and Ira), and I mentioned in those posts that if they had been girls, their names were going to be Mercedes Magdelena and Ophira Dahl, respectively.

We didn't mean for them to both have "I" names (let alone have the exact same 4-letter initials!) - I've always groaned at families who give their kids matchy names. But I like that the "I"s in Ishmael and Ira make totally different sounds, and I happen to have always loved the name Imanuel, so my current top girl name is Imanuel Matisse, who would be Iman (pronounced E-mawn) for short. Even though it's another "I" name, it makes yet another sound, so it's all good. Mercedes, Ophira, and Iman/Imanuel sound nice together too.

Anyway, here are the other girl names that I've been hoarding:

Beau. French, meaning beautiful.

Berenice. English, meaning victorious.

Samsara. Sanskrit, referring to the cycle of reincarnation. There's a documentary on Netflix with the same name that is beautiful, but/and it puts me into a sleepy trance when I watch it.

Georgia. English, meaning farmer. It reminds me of Georgia O'Keefe who was a fierce and talented woman, and the state which I have a mild love affair with despite having never been there.

Marchesa. Italian, referring to a noblewoman. Pronounced Mar-KAY-sa. There's a fashion label with this name that is beautiful, though generally too girly for my taste. That's where I first heard the name, though.

Wallace. English, meaning foreigner or stranger. I really like Wallace Simpson as a fashion icon and her love story with Prince Edward.

Yrsa Rivera. 1. Unknown meaning, refers to a heroine of ancient Scandinavian literature, pronounced "Year-sa". 2. Spanish, meaning lives near the river, pronounced "RivEEra", rather than "RevAra". Both of these names were from characters in a show on Netflix called Sense8, which isn't very good. These are not at the top of my list, but I want to remember them because Yrsa, especially, isn't the kind of name I'm just going to happen upon later on if I forget it for now.

Rukhsana. Persian, meaning the beautiful cheeks. I've forgotten where I first heard this name. I think it was probably a historical figure with a story I liked, but when I look it up, there are too many Rukhsanas to tell which one was the most legit. I also like Roxelana.

Soirse. Irish, meaning freedom, pronounced "Sorsha". There's an actress (best known for the movie Brooklyn) with this name. I like the actress, but would not name a child after a celebrity. We made this same distinction with Ira - we first heard the name from the radio host Ira Glass, but we did not name our Ira after Ira Glass.

August. English, meaning great. I like this name for a boy, too.

Marcelle. French, meaning young warrior. The proper spelling is Marcel (which is a boy's name), but I think the "elle" makes it more feminine.

Zelda. German, meaning woman warrior. Zelda Fitzgerald as muse, not the video game. It feels both futuristic and antique at the same time.

I'm always finding more. I'm in a class with a Moroccan girl right now who's name is Majdouline. Isn't that pretty? I've also like Margot for a long time, but when I say it over and over in my head, I'm not sure it quite makes the list.

I've noticed that most of my friends who are having girls lately have given pretty classic names (Annie, Alice, Kathleen). Have you noticed any trends among people you know? What would you name a kid if you got the chance? Especially a child with a gender other than the kid/kids you have now? What names were runners up for your actual kids names?

{images: 1, 2, 3}

Trader Joe's Favorites

Trader Joe's feels like a small store to me, but so often when I ask people what they like there, I've never heard of their favorite products. Items vary a bit from store to store and some things are seasonal, but there are also gems hidden in plain sight that will probably change your life.

Some items I love that are not exclusive to Trader Joe's but that I always buy there: Pita pockets, edamame, basil plant, Virgil's rootbeer (chilled = nectar of the god's! Made with cane sugar), and fresh flowers. The macarons (frozen dessert section) are unique to Trader Joe's (especially the price!) but I'm still on the fence about whether they belong on my greatest-hits list.

As for Trader Joe's-only favorites...

Triple Ginger Snaps - I love molasses cookies, but I don't like ginger and I'm not a huge fan of crunchy cookies. Somehow, these cookies manage to combine crunchiness and chunks of caramelized ginger into the most addicting spicy-sweet morsels. 

Mango Passion Granola Cereal - I usually make my own granola, but this stuff is yummy if you need to grab a quick breakfast. I used to keep a box in my desk drawer when I worked in an office. The freeze dried fruit bits are like grown-up lucky charms. 

Muhammara - This stuff if a Syrian walnut-pomegranate hummus-like paste for crackers and bread and what not. My Aunt Cathy introduced me to it, and it is delicious. 

Feta Cheese Spread - Once again, TJ's has taken something I don't like on its own (feta) and turned it into something I love. My friend Janae first showed me this spread, eaten at a picnic with a baguette, cherry tomatoes, white wine, and prosciutto. Easiest, most elegant, scrumptious picnic ever. I also use this spread in a Tzatziki pasta salad instead of crumbly feta. 

Savory Mini Thin Crackers - When not picnicking, I dip these babies into the feta spread. They're yummy and super crunchy, my current party cracker go-to. They're gluten free too, because they're rice based. 

Caramelized Onion Cheddar Cheese - Here's another one my Aunt Cathy found. It's not stiff and prone to chunking like regular cheddar and that onion is irresistible (but gives you powerful breath, fyi). I feel like the cheese section in general is something I haven't explored much at Trader Joe's. The prices can be off-putting to me, but when asked to bring something to a party, you're likely to find something delicious in there that will be festive, unique, and unheard of to most of your friends. 

Sriracha BBQ Sauce - I feel silly about liking this because I could probably just mix sriracha and BBQ sauce by myself, but honestly, it wouldn't be cheaper than just buying this, and making BBQ sauce myself (or messing with brands) does not guarantee a concoction as well balanced as this one. 

Cilantro Dressing - Nom nom nom. It's actually been a while since I've had this, and making salad dressing is pretty easy, but in a pinch, I'd definitely grab this.

Bollywood Popcorn - Once again, I could just make this, right? Wrong. Every time I try and make flavored popcorn, it gets soggy and unevenly coated. Just buy this. (Pro tip, though: pop regular salted popcorn in coconut oil. Next level goodness.)

Morello Cherries - These are very well priced and perfect for holiday cooking, especially if you don't want the goop that goes with regular cherry pie filling. I love to use the leftover juice to drizzle over ice cream or mix into drinks.

Pork Gyoza Potstickers - These are my go-to dinner when I can't bring myself to cook. Everyone in our family loves them and at about $3 a bag, I feel zero guilt grabbing two bags to throw in the freezer for an emergency meal. Also available with chicken filling, they're great as party appetizers or in soup as well.

Soft and Juicy Mandarins - These are a yummy snack that my boys love, and I like them because although they're simple, they seem kind of unusual to me - not a type of dried fruit you get in a mix. Sometimes I keep a bag in my purse to munch on when I skip breakfast or the boys are grumpy in the car.

Peruvian Inca Corn - Like giant, healthy corn nuts.

Finally, a few things I couldn't find pictures of: mango mints (near the registers), rice blends (Brown Rice Medley with amazing radish seeds, and Basmati Rice Medley) that are great meal-fillers or soup bulkers, and the dill tartar sauce (delicious, but I eat fish and chips once every several years, so...).

What are your favorites? Staples? Treats?

*post sponsored by no one :'( 

Instagrammies 7/28

More of my favorite Instagram accounts to follow, without further ado:

@introvertdoodles The name says it all. If you are an introvert, you will find your people on this account. I always went to bed before the other girls at sleepovers and asked to sleep in a different room.

@psychedeliccoven I'm very into psychedelic art for the foreseeable eternity. My one complaint
with this account is that they don't cite their sources/artists, which is kind of a massive downside, but I still begrudgingly love basically every photo.

I wish I was one of the @70sbabes. That is all.

Husband and wife painting duo (met via IG!) @kit_king and @oda.paints (also at @oda_and_king) amaze me. I follow all three accounts, but this one from Corey Oda really grabbed me.

Stacey Bendet is the lady behind the fashion label Alice + Olivia @aliceandolivia. I don't know a ton about the label, but her personal style is crazy good. Bonus: she does insane yoga.

@elizabethpawle has me won over to this whole yarn textile craze that I'm otherwise hesitant about (can we stop knitting white tassel triangles and using a stick to hang it on the wall now?). Her work reminds me of adult coloring books (also getting annoying) but with more commitment.

@antolpo is an account of beautifully made COOKIES. Yes, this is a cookie. I would never eat it, I would just stick it under a glass dome and stare at it. I'm especially fond of all the Japanese themes going on in this feed.

So much going on at @tunabake and I love it ALL. She's an illustrator with great personal style as well as a myriad of fantastic creative projects she's working on. What you'll see most of is her illustration-a-day, each of a women from history (mini history lesson included) - this one is of Dorothy Hodgkin. I can't wait to see the one she does on my birthday! I think I'm on the verge of worshiping this woman...

@chubbychinesegirleats is a handle to rival the best of them (in China, being chubby is traditionally a good thing) , and she happens to be a very impressive hashtagger too. Best of all, she posts the most amazing pictures of food of the variety I want to eat (creative, often asian). I follow a lot of food accounts, and this one always stops me in my tracks. This picture was captioned: "Chubby Mama's shanghainese fried dough stuffed "meatball" #homecooking Steamed with soy sauce. A burst of juicy umami."

And finally, what's an instagram roundup without some hippie shibori with a compound brand name? ;) I want all the things from @serpentandbow. I also learned from their account that you can use loquat leaves to dye stuff pink! I'll probably never utilize that info, but I'm still pretty stoked about it.