Navigating Cultural Appreciation and Appropriation as a Global Citizen

As I was scrolling through Instagram stories today, a designer I follow had a reminder to "please be respectful of Mexican culture instead of mocking it in light of Cinco de Mayo coming up." I immediately panicked, wondering if I unwittingly show disrespect, since I couldn't imagine how one might celebrate Cinco de Mayo in a mocking way. I wrote the designer and asked what she considered disrespectful and she mentioned drunkenly imitating Mexican accents while wearing sombreros, and thankfully I've never done that or even considered it.

That experience of worrying whether I'm inadvertently appropriating someone else's culture is common to me. I think about the topic of cultural appropriation often because I know it's real but I also know that the rules of what is or is not appropriate shift and are nuanced depending on many factors. I wanted to offer my take, particularly as a Third Culture Kid (TCK) or a "global citizen".

I am ethnically/racially white from every angle of my family. My skin is very, very white. I spent the first 16 years of my life in various areas of China (which has a much larger degree of cultural diversity than is generally portrayed) and occasionally Thailand. Now I live back in the US where more than half of my city is Hispanic/Latino. That leaves me with cultural influences, appreciations, and background that do not match my ethnic background. This is common to all people with transient childhoods (or extended periods of adulthood) and to immigrants. More and more, the experiences that shape our personal and familial cultures are a blend of more than one ethnicity or tradition. Yet in cases such as mine, you'd never know if you didn't ask. If I wear Pakistani clothing while living in California and speaking English with no accent, for example, your first guess about why I might be doing that might not be that I grew up among Pakistanis. It might look suspect, but I still engage in cultural practices or decorate or dress up in clothing from other cultures because many of those cultures have become part of my identity.

Playing dress-up at home in Xinjiang, China, c.1995. Definitely not culturally accurate of any one thing, which seems like a great metaphor for the rest of my life, haha. 

I don't think there's a rule book that works all the time for what is or is not cultural appropriation, but here are some of my suggestions.

Appropriation vs. Appreciation

verb

əˈprōprēˌāt/

1. 1.

   
   

   take (something) for one's own use, typically without the owner's permission.

   "his images have been appropriated by advertisers"

   
   

   synonyms:

   seize, commandeer, expropriate, annex, arrogate, sequestrate, sequester, take over, hijack

verb
əˈprēSHēˌāt/

1. 1.

   
   

   recognize the full worth of.

   "she feels that he does not appreciate her"

   
   

   synonyms:

   value, treasure, admire, respect, hold in high regard, think highly of, think much of

Even though I understood the concepts of both appreciating and appropriating, I found these definitions to be insightful. Appropriating has this aspect of power-plays (addressed later on) and even violence. The image of a hijacking is an especially vivid association as we can imagine how jarring it would be to be going in one direction and have someone suddenly wrestle that choice away from us and take us in a new, unwanted direction. Similarly, appreciating means something more profound than the way in which I often use it - it carries this deep sense of worth, synonymous with treasure. I was especially struck by the definition of "recognizing the full worth". That's a true litmus test for whether we are appropriating or appreciating something.

I treasure many things. It's called being a maximalist, aka a trash rat. I literally find other people's trash and nail it to my walls, and it brings me great satisfaction! I've found that because of my messy cultural background, I like a lot of different things that have meaning or hold memories for me. Even if I don't have a specific memory tied to an object, I might see an object that reminds me of something or somewhere or even someone I love, and then I want to add that object into my living space. I am also interested in a lot of things that I don't yet "recognize the full value of" but exploring things that intrigue me is a way that I learn. A lot of items that I'm drawn to have an ethnic feel because I like color and pattern and faintly macabre stuff (carvings and masks) and that happens to overlap with many tribal, Eastern, or South American cultures. I find that I also search for things to attach meaning to as a way to compensate for not having strong cultural and spiritual markers within my ethnic heritage. That tendancy can easily become appropriation, but it has everything to do with your motivation, attitude, and experience.

I'm not sure I do appreciate the full worth of every thing I bring into my home or put on my body, but I do believe things have worth and that I add worth with my care for them. When reusing and recycling (thrifting), it's almost impossible to know the history of an item and what it meant to the previous owner. In that sense, we might never appreciate something in the way that it was first appreciated or designed to be appreciated, but at the same time, we have the opportunity to actually add value through a new appreciation of that item. I never want to seize something - an idea, an object, a look - that belongs to someone else, but instead to treasure things that I'm drawn to, even if the reasons I treasure them are different than what they were originally made for.

Create vs. Imitate
One way in which to avoid appropriating is to focus on fusion or mixing and matching. As someone with ambiguous or mixed up or layered cultural makeup, I'm typically drawing from and creating things - food, outfits, spaces, thoughts - that aren't purely of any one culture. Honestly, is anything culturally "pure" in our world? I don't think very many people would argue that being inspired isn't a great thing or that cultures don't borrow from each other in order to improve or adapt all the time!

However, to avoid making an imperfect homage to a culture or custom that I don't fully belong to, I create something distinct. For example, I found a long, red piece of cotton at the thrift store that has silver trim on each end and mirrors sewn on to it in several places. This is likely part of an Indian or Pakistani outfit. Instead of trying to wear it like a Pakistani women would (I did not find matching pieces when I bought it, anyway), I might use it as a bed canopy or a headwrap or a shawl with an evening dress (probably not an evening dress that is distinctly Central or South Asian). Being too "on the nose" with cultural imitation or appreciation can easily look like mockery to others, even if you have the best intentions. Trying to create an exact copy usually only highlights that the effort is a poor imitation. In my opinion, you can't get it "wrong" if you make something that is new, because you're the only person who's done that before, so there is no blue-print to misinterpret.

Adding something with cultural significance into a mix of other things isn't meant to veil that item's cultural significance by taking it out of context, but instead to weave it into my own identity without being costumey or running the risk of looking like I'm mocking someone else's heritage. I'm creating something new with pieces of many different things rather than imitating something that I can never fully identify with. This happens quite naturally with food because food is so tied to location by its very necessity. To truly recreate a Turkish dish, for example, I would need access to lamb in some form other than ground meat and a variety of spices in raw form. Neither of those things are easy to come by in my area of California, so I substitute and tweak. Sometimes it's sad that I can't perfectly recreate something, but at the same time, I end up making something new that has a piece of California in it, and that new fusion is distinctly mine. I don't pretend that it's perfectly Turkish and it certainly isn't native to California, but rather than degrading either of those labels, I hope that it elevates a new, third category.

Photo: My friend Karissa M. grew up in Cameroon and now carries her daughter in traditional baby sling (photo used with permission). 

Thoughtfulness vs. Consumerism
I've already stressed the necessity of being thoughtful about how we incorporate culturally significant objects or practices into our lives, but I wanted to talk about consumerism for a minute too.

There's nothing wrong with buying things that originated in other countries or cultures. We often want souvenirs of our travels, and sometimes we buy items to support the artisans that make them. In many places, selling craftwork to tourists or international markets is a main source of income for people. But I do get uncomfortable when craftwork is treated as a souvenir, in the sense that now we think that object belongs us to (because we paid for it) with no strings attached and we can be flippant about it or toss it aside when we clean out the house in a year or two. If you buy something when you travel, be willing to pay good money for something that's truly a work of art, and then treasure it for what it's worth. Don't buy junk (or treat your souvenir as junk) just for the sake of having visual representation of where you've been.

It's also makes me a bit uncomfortable when we see ourselves as benevolently lifting up "poor artisans." I'm not saying that there is no place for supporting ethnic craftsmanship, but please do so with dignity instead of out of guilt or a belief that someone else's livelihood depends on your kindness. I heard a story recently in which people who had had Western missionaries move to their area were asked about their feelings toward missionaries. The missionaries who were respected were those who treated others as equals, not as students or people who were in need of something that the missionary had. One missionary mentioned in the story had a family emergency come up in his home country. Unable to pay for a ticket home, he asked for help from the people he lived among, and that really made an impression on them, because that's how real friends treat one another - not that one party is always the giver and the other always the recipient, but that we help each other in times of need. Being humble enough to be the recipient of service is a way to show honor to others. In the same vein, don't devalue ethnic craftsman and women by underpaying or overpaying, because neither acknowledges that regardless of our circumstances, we are of equal worth in terms of our humanity.

I am still struggling with how to show dignity to people who make clothing for "fast fashion" companies like HandM, Forever 21, Topshop, Old Navy and probably Asos and Zara, to name a few. Even though clothing from these companies is generally culturally neutral, it comes at a relatively low cost to the consumer, which means that it's likely that whoever made it was not paid very well. Unfortunately, even those of us who don't work in sweat shops can't usually afford clothing that is for-sure ethically made. Buying clothes second-hand definitely alleviates some of that guilt for me because I'm not perpetuating the demand for items that can't possibly be worth as little as they sell for, but it's something I'm trying to be aware of in general as a consumer.

Historical Context and Power Dynamics
I mentioned earlier how I am drawn to things with a strong cultural feeling because I feel that I lack that in my own ancestry. I want to clarify that that general attitude can be what perpetuates appropriation. It's not that I have literally no heritage, but more that I don't identify with my ethnic heritage of French-German-British-Scottish-etc. I'm not sure if my parents do either, but even if they did, my parent's cultural identity is not my cultural identity by nature of my global upbringing, even though we share an ethnicity. On top of that, my religious background is from a church denomination that does not have ancient history or any dramatic rituals or markers such as traditional clothing, artwork, decor, rites of passage, or festivals.

I think that lack of cultural richness is common for Americans, especially because any cultural markers that we do have are so much the norm in our country that we don't even recognize them as cultural markers. Many of us then go looking for something to casually spice up our whiteness, but approach that process as if other cultures are cheap jewelry for us to take on and off as we please. It's a struggle, because I really do understand that it's strange to feel that you have no cultural meaning of your own. For those of us with more recent European ancestry ties or who are aware of a strong European cultural background, it can be a little bit tricky to lean into that, because a lot of European history and culture in the past several hundred years is very tied in with oppressing non-European cultures.

Even though we would never borrow culture from others out of spite or to degrade other people, we have to be aware that in general (speaking for white/European peoples) our ancestors and some of our contemporaries control much of the money and influence in the world. Similarly, as an American, my passport countries' military is involved in many places throughout the globe, and not always in the best way. That is a deeply emotional issue to many people, and even if my own beliefs differ from the actions of the US military or government, I still carry that association in the eyes of many others. Positions of economic or military dominance leave us with a responsibility to be aware of power dynamics and the fact that less prominent or affluent regions might be in a position of vulnerability in order to survive economically. That reality is not a free pass to export or incorporate culture at will. Imperialism is alive and well, but we don't always recognize it because we assume that what we have to offer is better than what someone else has. It's okay to believe that we have a good thing going, but it's not our job to decide whether someone else believes that too. I think it's good when cultures mix, but that mixing and sharing should be led by the person who owns that culture, not the tourist, the expat, the short term missionary, the foreign teacher, the occupying military, or even the researcher. 

Not everything needs to be branded or exported, whether physically or idealistically. Being able to travel and explore other places is a privileged, not a right, and when we use other cultures as a backdrop to our lives or as a way to get more "likes", we're being exploitative. Ethnicity is not a commodity.

Similarly, we must be wary of exoticism and voyeurism. Geishas aren't there for us to photography and Bedouins don't exist to belly dance for tourists. I don't know if modern (or ancient, for that matter) nomadic tribes belly dance at all, frankly. If you do see something that seems exotic when traveling, I think it's okay to be excited or in awe, but people aren't zoo animals. Just because it's fascinating to us doesn't mean that person or custom we're admiring is from another point in time or isn't as advanced as our home cultures or doesn't have modern worries like we do. I know all of that probably sounds obvious, but I believe it's really important to understand the habits that land us in unhealthy situations. We are all insensitive at times, but we ususally don't recognize that we've crossed a line. Even the purest of intentions can be founded in ignorance and result in damage. To avoid that, we have to open to learning and not assume that we haven't caused harm just because we didn't know or didn't mean to.

As I said before, what is and isn't appropriate is on a bit of a sliding scale, too. Even 10 years ago, there were things that almost everyone would consider fine that are now looked upon in horror. I'm sure all of my peers will remember how the word "gay" was used to mean "lame" about 15 years ago. I was never aware of that being tied to any gender-identity in the context in which I heard it and used it, and it certainly wasn't used as a slur in my circles. But today, I cringe when I hear it because it is a word that people use to describe their sexuality and if you use that word as in adjective and only ever in negative situations, it suggests that you think very little of gay people.

If we feed into a system where there is some profit in the exposition of others (performing their own cultural rituals for the sake of entertaining a crowd), those people will continue to be exploited, either by their own economic needs or by modern slave masters, even if we don't realize it. The scenario of a human zoo exhibit is very real to me. I've been treated that way and I've seen others treated that way. We have to be very careful to make sure that our interest and appreciation is tempered by an understanding of the motivation and intentions of those we are observing.

Taboos and Sacred Symbols
There are some things that are always no-nos, at least at this point in time. Slurs, hate speech, or mocking (in word or in deed) are never appropriate, not even as a joke. There are other things that have become so politically charged that I would just avoid them unless you have a legitimate ethnic claim. Usually these items or subjects are explicitly stated as sacred or taboo by those who the culture belongs to.

For example, feather headdresses are part of religious ceremonies for many Native Americans and they consider it offensive for their religious objects to be used as decoration for those who don't share their beliefs. For those who aren't Native American, there is nothing inherently wrong about wearing a feather headdress, but there's really no situation in which that's necessary and since it's been stated as disrespectful by a group of people who that imagery is clearly associated with, it's disrespectful to use their symbols outside of their sacred context. I've heard some discussion that dream catchers might be something that was co-opted into popular culture when it shouldn't have been (not so much the use of an actual dream catcher, but using the motif on shirts, etc.), but I don't know if they carry similar cultural weight as headdresses.

One taboo that was kind of difficult for me to let go of was tattoos of Arabic calligraphy. As the Koran was revealed in Arabic, it is considered sacred to many Muslims. Tattoos are traditionally forbidden in Islam, so tattoos in Arabic are considered taboo. However, when I just went a-googlin', the internet seems to have changed its mind on this topic. I asked about in a forum years ago and the response was tentative to negative, but general opinion now seems to be that it's not offensive. You might have noticed the same progression of opinion surrounding tattoos in Christian circles over the last decade (as a Christian, I never considered tattoos to be un-Biblical in nature, though there are some that would still offend me in content). I guess the moral of that story is do a little research if you're unsure. As a rule, you should never get a tattoo in a language you can't read or write. It will only be ridiculous and possibly even offensive to people who know that language. Similarly, tattoos of Buddha are very much frowned upon in Thailand, for example. Thai Buddists consider it very offensive that their religion be used as a vacation souvenir (it says so on giant signs in most airports in Thailand, haha).

Four sisters who I know who grew up in Thailand got sister-tattoos of lotuses to symbolize their shared multiculturalism. My favorite part is that each sister has a slightly different interpretation of the lotus. (photo from Kara H., used with permission)

Bindis (red forehead mark or ornament in India) and some African-origin hairstyles like cornrows are so recognizable as being native to one group and/or explicitly stated as not appropriate as ornamentation for "the masses" that I avoid those things, even in appreciation. I did get my hair braided in cornrows as a touristy thing in Thailand growing up, and there was certainly no malice in that on anyone's part, but I wouldn't do that today as an adult. I think that if you spend a great deal of time in Africa or India or again, have some legitimate connection to those cultural heritages you could make a case for wearing those styles, but otherwise I think it's risky.

I wanted to touch on blackface, too. There have been two occasions on which white friends of mine have dressed in blackface, not knowing it was very offensive to most people. Just last week, there was an incident at a frat house in our area concerning blackface that shut down the entire greek system at that school. Most people have been told at one time or another that blackface is strictly off limits, but I'm not sure that very few people know why. Especially in the area in which I live, there are very few black people and our education system doesn't do the best job at teaching these things. It's not the act of coloring your skin that is offensive in itself (cultures all over the world do this, either tanning to get darker skin or applying creams to get fairer skin, etc.). It's the historical roots of blackface that make it so unsavory. Blackface originated with white performers in the late 1800s who would caricature black people as a form of entertainment for white people. These caricatures were almost exclusively slap-stick style and portrayed black people as idiotic and incapable of serious thought or art. Many white people at the time believed that to be true of black people. So, blackface was a marker that only ever went hand in hand with mocking black people as being objects to laugh at.

Nothing that is someone's heritage should be turned into entertainment or costume. That's why ethnicity-based costumes (Native Americans, geishas, Mexicans, belly dancers, gypsies etc.) are frowned upon. If you want to dress up as a specific historical character that fits into one of those categories, go the extra mile and add some distinguishing attributes to your costume and be ready to be a fount of knowledge on who you're representing. Last year I saw a discussion thread on birthday party themes (and I would add wedding themes too) that are simply "Mexican" or "Japanese", for example. Unless you are somehow connected with those countries, their culture shouldn't be thought of as a party theme. Imagine going to a birthday party in China that was "American" themed and included Bay Watch cut out posters, soggy french fries, guns as props, and everyone wearing curly blond wigs and making jokes about the most stereotypical aspects of American culture. It would be embarrassing! Even though all of those things exist in the US, it's not a flattering or accurate depiction of American life. (Tbh, that sounds like a funny party, but that's not my point...).

I'm sure there are more symbols and subjects that are obviously inappropriate to some people that I am not aware of yet! I hope that I don't come to find out what those things are "the hard way." I try and keep my ears and eyes open and instead of rolling my eyes when "yet another thing" is claimed as sacred by one group or another, simply do what is in my power not to inflict damage if I can easily avoid doing so. I am not offended when non-Christians wear crosses or otherwise use Christian symbols - it's a symbol, not an embodiment of my belief  or some higher power - but I definitely roll my eyes when I know someone is using it with no idea of its meaning (similarly, celebrating religious holidays without any of the religious significance or belief). It doesn't hurt or offend me personally, it just makes that person look ignorant.

Learning and Teaching
For someone like me who has legitimate cultural roots unrelated to my ethnicity, and for many other people too, there's absolutely a place for borrowing, appreciating, and incorporating multiple cultures into one lifestyle. I even think it's okay to dress up as a specific historical or fictional character that is not of your own race. The key is to be educated about what you're doing, though. I want to be in a position in which if someone was to accuse me of appropriating, I could confidently explain my place in the culture that I'm not obviously from. In the case of costumes, you should be prepared to give a mini history lesson on the person you're representing, not just throw your hands up and say "I'm a Mexican!" or something. I also want to be open to hearing from someone who might criticize me in the event that they actually know more than I do and feel that I am using something out of context. If I did something thoughtlessly, I should adjust my actions. If not, I should take that opportunity to explain that plenty of people are from mixed upbringings, whether or not their physical features reflect that.

I'm also doing my best to let others speak on topics of cultures that aren't fully mine (if I'm with a Muslim friend, that friend should be able to share his or her beliefs instead of me "whitesplaining" it, even though I do have experience). No one is an expert on everything. Take every opportunity to let a culture (and its adherent) to speak for itself on what is and isn't up for grabs to the rest of the world. Different people within one culture feel differently about things too. There is huge variety in what is or is not socially acceptable among Muslims. It varies by family in my experience, just like it does in Christianity.

Always be ready to apologize if you blunder, even if whatever you did wasn't offensive to someone else in a previous situation. Also, avoid talking about things you don't understand. Confusing Chinese and Japanese culture is one of the most ignorant things to me, as they are very different. Similarly, I'm irritated by labels of "Asian", given that Asia is about 1/3 of the size of the entire globe. Why not take the time to find out where in Asia something originated? In my own life, I'm trying to be better about learning countries and their characteristics in Africa instead of talking about it like it's one homogeneous place.

Asiyami Gold is an art director who I follow on Instagram. I'm not sure what her ethnic roots are, but I really like the way she uses more traditional fabrics from her homeland in modern ways. (She's mentioned her cultural heritage before, but it's not posted anywhere and I can't remember!)

What's your take on appreciation and appropriation? I'd love to hear any good (or bad - you know I love the juicy stuff) stories you have on the topic. I'm especially interested to hear from fellow TCKs on how you explain your style to people who might assume that you're being insensitive. Does having a mixed cultural background make you feel more free to incorporate cultural aspects from places you don't have a connection with, because your identity is "everything" or "nothing"? I want to hear it all!  

A Heartshaped Mixtape

The "Musings" category on this blog is one of my favorite series of posts. Don't you love it when you meet someone new (or are hanging out with a close friend) and they ask you a question about yourself that you don't know the answer to, OR that you have a really interesting answer for, but no one ever asks about that topic? That's what I aim for with this category. 

This question has been on my list for a while, but Valentine's Day seems like the perfect time to ask it: 

Did you ever make a mixtape for a sweetheart? If so, what was the format, and what music did you choose?

I do love sharing playlists on Spotify, but it sure was romantic when someone you admired handed you a hard copy, freshly burned soundtrack to their heart, back in the day (2005).

{Image Credit}

Music might be able to convey all the words you are too shy to say to your crush, but mixtape songs also reveal so much about the giver. 

When Jonas and I were dating, I would give him all sorts of little gifts.  I made him some mixtapes of my favorite stuff and we still have them so that someday, our boys can listen to them (if they can find a way to play cds!) and maybe love it, maybe laugh at it. True to my tendency to overwork things, I even wrote out explanations of what I loved about each song for Jonas. 

The first song Jonas ever showed me was "Crash into Me" by Dave Matthews and I think the first one I showed him was "Coffee" by Copeland. "Crash into Me" is still our official song, and I still love "Coffee" too, though it didn't make it into our couples-hall-of-fame. The main line I wanted him to hear in that song was, "I'd stay up all night, just to hear about your day." That song perfectly captures what it's like to want to be married so bad, but be ridiculously young. 

I made a Spotify playlist of my mixtape for Jonas. I think the cds were part of my gift to him for his 19th birthday. He's turning 26 in a few days! It's both fun and embarrassing (Angels and Airwaves) to look back on this playlist. There were a few songs that I had totally forgotten about ("Silence" by Takka Takka), but one song that's on here that gets me just as much as ever is Joni Mitchell's "For Free". Most of all, I love that these discs are like a time capsule of our relationship. It already feels like a long time ago. 

There were a few songs I couldn't find on Spotify, and in a way, the missing songs are the songs that make these discs special. Back when everyone had CDs and owned the songs they listened to, you went out of your way to own the special stuff (or at least burn a hard copy of the rare versions of things).  Songs not on the playlist:

Sweet Nothings by Venice Maki
Swse Me by Michalis Hatzigiannis
Track 15 - a Russian techno-dance song
Eternal by Evanescence
Love 'em and Kiss 'em by Plumb

If you were to make your significant other (or secret crush!) a mixtape today, what's one song that would for sure be on it? 

Over the Hill

I imagine myself on the "highway" of life, with freedom to move around (mostly forward, I hope) and even take a path off the main road from time to time. This is probably a very Western view - that I have so much control. I'm not upset about this reality, but today I envisioned myself in more of a narrow corridor where life is the thing doing the navigating and I really have no choice but to follow its course. This occurred to me as I realized all the times I've considered myself different or even above the habits and rituals of aging (or more precisely, those more aged than me) and the same number of times I've been proven wrong.

Harold and Maude, my favorite young-old people. 

I wonder what it's like for older people to read along as I come to these conclusions and if they try and remember what it was like NOT to know what I have only just figured out. Like I said before, I don't really resent the fact that I'm not in control as much as I used to, and perhaps that's the first part of being an adult - you stop being enraged when you realize that you're powerless. Instead, you just adjust your path (or rather, your thoughts or feelings about THE path) to best accommodate what you can't change.

I've written about getting older in terms of appearance and wisdom before, but in the past few months I've had a few realizations that really made having "arrived" at adulthood come in to focus. I'm currently 24, and I've heard that 25 is the big shift, so it looks like we're right on track. It doesn't feel bad or sad to be getting "old", but the shift is noticeable and it does feel kind of strange. I didn't expect for there to be such palatable changes, nor for them to happen so early. It doesn't seem to have come because of having children, either. I wasn't feeling this way last year, and it doesn't feel like very long ago that I felt like a high-schooler mascarading as an adult. Which leads me to realization number 1...

1. Time is a black hole. The things I think of as having happened "last summer", actually happened four years ago. The Sandy Hook shooting happened in 2012!!! What?! Lupita Nyong'o won an Oscar 3 cycles ago instead of in the previous cycle. See also, movies that "just came out", aka I've been to the theater about twice in the last three years.

2. My taste in music has ceased to evolve. I peruse the new releases every week and my response is, "what is this junk?!" I now know what "mom's music" is going to be when my boy's tell their friends: the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the Killers, the Shins, Modest Mouse... I do listen to a wide range (including more current music), but those are some of the bands that will remind me of "being young".

Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, literally the coolest pregnant woman of all time. 

3. Fully cognisant human beings don't remember 9/11. Something about 9/11 came up at the dinner table the other night and my 16 year old sister referred to "the bombs" (not planes). Freshman in high school today were not even born when 9/11 happened!

4. I'm no longer the person with all the answers about technology. How does Snapchat work? Does ANYONE know? Does anyone that I know know? Do I care?

5. I no longer think being stuck in my ways is entirely negative. I highly value the ability to change ones mind, but I find myself with solid and lasting views on spiritual and political topics and I don't worry about whether they're unpopular to voice in public. Andddd... I am loving this!

I hardly recognize myself! (image) 

6. I'm now as old as people who I used to think were old. I recently met up with an old youth leader of mine and was startled to realize that when I met her 11 years ago, she was 24. Even though I'm writing all of this, I still feel unsure about a lot of things in my life, but I thought my then-24-year-old leader was as adult as they came! Also, 50 is no longer old to me, 90 is old.

7. "Those snatched eyebrows? So sus, she must be turnt to try and throw shade at me like that!" If you didn't understand that at all, don't worry, I had to study for like 20 minutes to translate it into: "Those amazing looking eyebrows? So suspect, she must be drunk to try and dis me like that". Not that that makes any sense either, I'm just trying to illustrate that when my brothers visit on school breaks, I don't know half the words they're saying anymore. My slang is stuck in it's own era. I don't swear around my mom, so I say "cool" a lot.

8. Famous people are now younger than me. Karlie Kloss and Kate Upton? Yeah, I'm older than them. Justin Beiber, Kylie and Kendall Jenner? Babies. And that is weird. I hear the year people were born in and I'm all... "wuuuuut? I was already x years old!" It's especially weird to admire someone and realize they're younger than my youngest brother. Similarly, the stars that I had crushes on are now old. Leonarda DiCaprio, I love you, but you're really starting to look too old for me.

Jonas contributed that older people now talk to him in conspiratorial tones about "young people"...

Reading Business Insider probably makes me old-ish too, but at least I know where to go to figure out what's cool and what's not these days! What I learned: Thank goodness I don't say "bae" or "on fleek", and Bernie should run again next election cycle if he loses this time! I also downloaded that app Wishbone and I've gotta say, it's kind of addicting. I'm currently plotting how to monopolize the scene with more sophisticated WYRs (Would You Rather) and simultaneously realizing how few poos I give about which prom dress is prettier (neither). I've even stopped trying to figure out who the male celebrities are that it's trying to make me choose between.

What makes you feel like an adult, or otherwise old? Not responsibility stuff like paying bills or learning how the heck to invest money, but cultural stuff and identity shifting!? What music defines your youth? What newfangled thing can you not wrap your head around? 

That Thing You Do

With the whole two-small-children thing, our anniversary wasn't a big deal this year, but just so ya'll know, we just had our 3rd. Anniversary, not child. Lord help me. (Incidentally, today is also my parents' 25th anniversary, holla!!!) 

In light of that little milestone, I was chuckling about the timing of this post on pet peeves. I like to ask couples what habits they have that drive one another crazy - not to be divisive, but just because the answers are so funny. As I looked back at the little list I'd been keeping of my own pet peeves (particularly about things that Jonas does), I was happy to see that some of them aren't even an issue any more. 

Don't get me wrong, I still hate seeing the toilet seat up, but I've finally decided to be the bigger man and let him have it his way (I can say stuff like this because he doesn't read the blog). ;) Did you hear that Jonas??? I STILL NOTICE, and I'm just not saying anything anymore because I'm that awesome. Although honestly, I have noticed that now that I'm not making a point of chastising him for always leaving the seat up (and absolutely refusing to concede why I find it rude or gross), it doesn't needle me so much. I think I've more or less let it go. I'm patting myself on the back right now, for reals.

(I know the hate-the-same-stuff sentiment is a little cynical, but it's so nice to be on the same team as your husband or wife, isn't it?!)

Of course, I've moved on to being irritated by other habits. I promise this will be interesting, because not all my pet peeves are generic. The other day, my pastor talked about what it would be like if we tried to live a whole day without complaining about anything. BORING, I say! ;) I would have almost nothing to talk about. 

I'll start out with the generic spouse stuff - leaving drawers and cabinets open, leaving the shower curtain open and towels on the floor, not unbunching his socks before they go in the wash, etc. Then there's leaving pot and pan handles facing into the kitchen (as opposed to the side or back of the stove), which I find so dangerous, not to mention difficult to move around. That's pretty much the worst of it that I can think of when it comes to Jonas, so that's really not all that bad. Except when he finishes some special food in the fridge without consulting me. That really makes me sulk for a while. 

He used to leave the butter dish in the microwave and I would lose my mind because I could not find it ANYWHERE. As it turns out, he does that because his mom did that growing up, and she did it because they had a cat who always wanted to eat the butter. Strange as all get out, but made sense once I figured it out. 

To be fair, he goes crazy over some of my habits too, including leaving 20+ tabs open on our laptop, and in our old apartment, I never put the toaster away in the morning because I knew I would just have to take it out again the next day. My brother Bradley has a cow whenever I burp loudly, and growing up, my sister Annelise hated nothing more than listening to me clear my throat in the morning (I blame it all on Chinese polution). 

I asked an engaged (now married) friend what she and her fiancee found strange about one another's routines. She said that her husband always wants to rip the foil all the way off the yogurt container, and she leaves it on. For my parents, it's my mom leaving the microwave door ajar after she's used it. That is exactly the kind of thing that makes marriage so interesting, and sometimes challenging. A few months in to living with someone or seriously combining your lives, you start noticing little things and thinking, "who does that?!" It's weird how we assume that the way we do things is how everyone must do them. The little weirdnesses add up and then we have to put aside ourselves and learn to love someone for who they are, right? I know, I know, I'm getting a little Kumbaya here.  

I heard or read somewhere once (and I feel like I've blogged this before, so, sorry!) that in a good marriage, you fight about the same things over and over, and in a bad one, you find new things to fight about. Of course that's not true on every level, but I like that it acknowledges that we all have petty struggles. It makes sense that there are some issues that remain bothersome because simply by virtue of us not being clones, there will be deep-seated differences that butt heads in any relationship. On the especially deep seated issues, that same argument may come up forever. I think the secret must be to find middle ground or simply not let that issue eat away at all the good things we may have going for us in the larger picture. 

Ok, now here are my very particular pet peeves. 

1. Maybe my very biggest one is when people use the phrase, "great minds think alike." To me, nothing is further from the truth! What makes an idea great is that it stands out from the rest. A bunch of people have the same thought at the same time makes that idea obvious or a necessity, not some meeting of great minds. But I digress... (this one is particularly irksome because it's usually said as a compliment, but it only makes lava bubble up in my heart and almost out of my eyeballs). 

2. Salad forks (and tea spoons). I hate them. They feel so miserably inadequate for real food in terms of both length and weight, and I hate them. 

3. The way the radio ques some supposedly regionally appropriate ethnic music after any story that is well, regional. For example, tribal drums or chanting for Africa, twangy stuff for the American south, etc. It just seems so patronizing to me. Like I need a little melody to help me place my thoughts in a certain part of the world or something? I think it feeds into stereotypes in an unnecessary way. Individuals are more than where they are from. 

4. Oooh, this is another really good (and self-righteous on my part) one. People making their social media profile pictures photos of their kids or pets!!! This is both confusing and silly. Unless the account is all about said other creature and simply run by you, it's okay for your picture to have you in it. We're not all thinking you're vain for showing your own picture, and simultaneously, we also know you're proud of your kids without changing your photo to theirs whenever they do something especially great. I hate to say this (not really), but the cool-parent code strictly prohibits this practice (although it is acceptable to have your child in a photo with you as your profile picture). 

5. While on the topic of children, why does anyone with a faint interest in art and design and a not-terrible (but then again, sometimes terrible) idea think, "I should make this idea into a children's book, it will be easy!". That's why there are so very many abysmal children's books in the world. Please, spare us all and stop that thought process right now. Children's books are not easier to write - in fact, they're probably harder because you have to try and get across a solid idea that a child will understand in so many fewer and clearer words than you could get away with talking to an adult. Kids aren't stupid, but they are easily bored. And also, stop asking my husband to illustrate your children's book. He won't even illustrate stuff for me.... 

(one of my all-time favorite children's illustrations, from an unknown vintage book) 

6. I haven't looked this up, but I'm pretty darn sure that you use "a" before a noun beginning with a consonant (A kite) and "an" before a noun beginning with a vowel (AN airplane). That is all. 

7. Similarly, the word "especially" does not have an X in it. One need only read this word in print ONE TIME to realize it is not pronounced "exspecially". And yet, sadly, the english-speaking human race seems to have much better things to do than notice this small fact. 

8. And last but not least, please do not pick your skin or nails while sitting on the couch with other people. It doesn't matter how small the movement is, other people on the couch can feel the incessant quivers throughout the entire piece of furniture. Do not ask me how this is possible, it is simply true.   

All joking aside, I do prefer to spend my time being grateful for things. But don't we all love the occasional bug-eyed revulsion-fest we get to indulge in when we discover a shared pet peeve with someone (like our friend Greg sharing my belief that Iron and Wine is the WORST musical act). When you have a very particular stance on something, it's always kind of nice when someone else agrees with you. 

What crazy things get under your skin? What habit of your significant other surprised you when you started living in the same place? I'd love to hear, truly, I would... 

Fingerprint Words

This article is so interesting! I love it when I read about something that I didn't realize was a "thing" until I read about it, though I had realized it in my own life before, if not as concretely as it is explained here.

Like the author of the article did, I asked my husband what words I say all the time, and it took him less than a second to say, "essentially." Haha! Which is essentially true...
You should try it! Ask your significant other if there's any words that you over use, and let me know what they are, so we can all laugh at each other.

I know I have more than I can think of at the moment, but the other words that came to mind that I use a lot are "seriously" (I try so hard never to use "literally" incorrectly by the original definition) and "incidentally." I know my signature words shift, too, and I always get a kick out of imagining what I'll be unwittingly saying too much a year from now.

I would argue that families can have fingerprint words too. Probably because everyone lives in close proximity, or was heavily imprinted by the conversation in their houses growing up. It's not like we're unaware of this, but I've never heard anyone outside my family use the exclamation "Sam Hill!" Actually, pretty much just my mom says it now, but at one point, more of us were prone to saying it. It's from a scene in To Kill A Mockingbird where Scout is indignant about how much syrup is poured on a stack of pancakes, and she says, "what in sam hill are you doing?!" Does your family have any signature phrases? Made-up stuff doesn't count.

I think it's pretty interesting what the Slate article had to say about adopting other people's words too. We have this friend Jaren who used to say "dog" all the time, as in, "dog, that is so cool!" (kind of like "dude", I guess?). We use to make good-natured fun of him for it all the time, but at some point, I internalized it from saying it so much in jest, and now it's a signature exclamation of mine that people comment on. I don't know if Jaren even uses it anymore.

The same thing happens when I'm engrossed in a book or TV series - I find myself adopting the tone of the writing, and sometimes it totally (that's another word I use all the time, ahhh!) irritates (that one too) me to realize that I'm doing it, but not be able to stop it.

Although not quite the same, most of you will also appreciate that I realize how often I start a sentence with, "I once heard a podcast about...". Right?!

In an entirely different sense of the fingerprint words, how crazy is this condition called dermatographia? The caption to this photo says, "I have dermatographia, a condition in which one’s immune system releases excessive amounts of histamine, causing capillaries to dilate and welts to appear (lasting about thirty minutes) when the hypersensitive skin’s surface is lightly scratched. This allows me to painlessly draw on my skin with just enough time to photograph the results." Kind of scary, kind of totally (there it is again!!!) awesome. 

Do you have a fingerprint word, or words? Please do share! 

Food Fight

I've imagined myself as a participant on a reality TV show before, but there's a new show out that has me blogging on this topic yet again. "Food Fight" pits home chefs against professional chefs in a series of 5 rounds - the home chef picks their 5 best recipes, and can stratagise about which recipe to use to compete against which professional chef. The professional chef for each round must make their own version of the home chef's recipe, and a panel of every-day (not professional) foodies judges whose version they prefer in a blind tasting. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the home chef can win up to $100,000 by beating the professional chefs. Better than a sharp stick in the eye.

I think this premise is delightful, though the actual show can be monotonous to watch. I would not want to be put upon to be so peppy as the home chefs appear to have been coached to be, and the host (Adam Richman of Man vs. Food) irritates me with his facial expressions and talking dumb. Of course I wouldn't actually do this, but I feel like I would want to tell him to get out of my face and space when he came in to talk to me about what I was cooking while I was trying to cook. I would be angry to waste any brain power answering his questions if I only had 15 minutes to cook a dish! The time constraints for some of the courses would clearly be a huge hurdle, though it looks like their allowed to have a lot of their ingredients pre-prepped.

I may or may not be able to beat any of the chefs at the level at which I can currently cook, but I like to think that I am working up to being able to! As some of you know, I've been selling products by the Pampered Chef for the past 6 months. I have a love-hate relationship with this job, but one thing I love is cooking for people, and helping other people get excited about cooking. I mentioned before that I'd like to move in the direction of becoming a private chef and/or teach some specialty cooking classes. As for being a personal chef, the Pampered Chef is the first  my job I've had with an aspect of customer service or sales, and that part is hard for me - sometimes people are difficult and don't know what's best for them (no, I will not cook kale for you!!!), and that's the part that I imagine would be frustrating about being a personal chef, too. My one experience with a personal chef was in Beijing, when some family friends invited my mom and I to their house where a private chef prepared dinner for a small party - if I recall correctly, the meal wasn't especially creative (some kind of beef steak, green beans, mashed potatoes, etc.), but it was especially delicious, and having a personal chef, even if it's just for a very special occasion, is such a luxurious and fun experience. [image]

I was telling my mama about the show "Food Fight" and asked her what recipes she'd choose to compete with. The two she said right away were her famous overnight bread (people, it will blow your minds) and her Indian samosa with chutney. She could whoop the best of the best with those recipes, I'm darn sure.

As far as what I'd cook, I'm still building my repertoire. As I thought about it, I realized how difficult the time constraint would be. Making dough from scratch, letting things marinate, letting things chill - many of my favorite recipes require time that I wouldn't have on the show. I'd also need to learn to use tools like a stand mixer, emulsion blender, vacuum chamber, etc., though those should help with the time constraints. I'm also not good at cooking from memory or without a recipe to at least reference, which could put me at a disadvantage. But, at least I could practice my bum off at home first. Can you tell I've seriously considered being on this show? I like to think I could stand up under the pressure, though. Have I mentioned that my parents threw a shower for Jonas and I before we got married based around the cooking competition show "Chopped"? Our team lost, but it was a really fun shower, and I also got my new-wife-kitchen launched with a bunch of Pampered Chef products as a result of that shower - the BEST! [this picture was an inspiration for my whole wedding design, before I called off the wedding and decided to get married at the courthouse, haha.]

So far (time constraints not accounted for), the recipes I'd consider competing with on Food Fighters might be my great grandma's gazpacho, my prawn and coconut milk ceviche, my dad's xinjiang pilao, this killer ancient mac-n-cheese (a truly amazing mac-n-cheese is rarer than you'd think), and guava-lemon mousse (which is so simple, and incredibly good, but only an accomplished dessert chef would know what to do, I think!). I have some other incredible recipes, like eggnog pancakes, a cheesy chicken pot pie, and a chicken salad in lettuce cups, but many of them are standard enough that I think a professional chef could make an impressive version of their own to rival mine. Although it's in it's extremely fledgling phase, I'm hoping to compile a cookbook of my best recipes in the next few years - it will give me a chance to test and perfect all the "keeper" recipes I've made in the past few years, and as a finished product, what a cool keepsake and easy and personal gift to give, right?!

What reality or competition shows do you think you would have a chance at competing on? And the REAL question, what recipes do you have that no one, not even the best, could beat? Do tell! 

A Silver Lining

Do you think you have a natural age? What age is it? By "natural age", I mean an age which you will always feel you are, or ought to be. Some people refer to themselves as perpetual 4-year-olds (though that sounds absolutely dreadful to me), but very few woman would refer to themselves as a perpetual 13-year-old. Some men take pride in acting like they're forever in the 10-15 range, which is only even remotely charming in small doses. Still other people, notably Iris Apfel, really seem to come in to their own as older adults (60+). 

For the longest time, my mom was 36 and my dad was 38 in my mind, even as they were both nearing 50. Those just seemed like the right ages for my parents to be (despite that they're 3 years apart in age, haha). People say my mom was born 30 years old - she's always been serious and future-oriented, and she admits that she needs to be reminded to have fun. I think I inherited some of that from her, as I ferociously pined to be older than I was for my entire childhood. I've always wanted to be independent and I'd spent most of my life wanting to be married, both of which happened when I was 20 years old. I didn't exactly want time to slow down once I turned 20, but I finally really enjoyed where I was in life. 

Still, I hope 20 isn't my natural age. I always want to be growing, and I don't want to be going downhill when I pass my "natural age". In fact, I'm not sure having a natural age is real or good. But I do think it's interesting to think about. The way I see it, ideally we'd all achieve balance between being young at heart and making mature life decisions. That makes me excited to grow older, knowing I will [hopefully] grow in wisdom. At the same time, I hope that age doesn't solidify my nature so much that I stop being able to adapt or change my mind about things at some point. I will be delighted if/when I get a head of silver hair, and I'm on my way already with my first silver hair appearing in the last month (#motheroftwo, much?!). 

Maybe all of this is easy to say while I'm still young, but I am determined to embrace growing older, and eventually just plain old. I know there will be more pain, but I choose to believe that the joy will be deeper too.

Do you believe in having a natural age? If so, what do you think yours might be, and why? 

[image source]

Dream Date

I've always liked asking Jonas (and everyone) "favorite" questions, but it's harder and harder to come up with ones that I don't know the answer to the longer we're together. Thankfully (kind of), Jonas has a tendancy to change his mind about substantial things (like what he wants to get his BA in) and forget to tell me, so sometimes I'm surprised by the answer even if I ask him something I've asked before.

Last night as we were falling asleep, I asked Jonas what his favorite candy was, and he didn't know. I don't know what mine is either, except I remembered just now that officially, it's double salt black licorice.

My next question was, "what is your dream date, if money and time and place weren't obstacles?" He said he'd want to eat at NOMA with me, and I approve of that answer. I love being the person he wants to experience life with. I actually have the original NOMA cookbook, but haven't looked through it in a long time. One of the most recent episodes of Parts Unknown that we watched was entirely about NOMA, and it was pretty amazing. The tasting menu for one person costs $267, so thus the "dream" aspect of a date there (plus, it's in Copenhagen). Here are some images from the cookbook/restaurant to give you a sense of the vibe. It's been ranked as the top restaurant in the world for the past several years in a row.

I'd never really contemplated what my dream date would be, but I came up with it pretty quickly, and it is pretty dreamy. Here goes: First, this date involves a private yacht that magically drives itself, but at some point, a personal chef appears and then goes away again. We would be sailing in warm, clear waters so that we could find some caves to swim in and explore without it being scary or cold. After our swim, our magical personal chef would cook a big, fabulous lunch for us (and do the dishes), and go away. Other parts of the day include catching our own fish to BBQ for dinner and a fancy suite with a spa, large shower, and a bed with candy and kittens. But the kittens are magically free of any guilt on my part for not staying with them every second. Other things I wouldn't cry about: unlimited comic books, full body massage, frozen yogurt (with taro flavor, at least) and popping boba (lychee flavor), this (thankfully, this happens a lot with my husband), and discovering a lost ship on our swim. [images 1, 2]

Some real dates I'm looking forward to in the next few months are brunch at Marisol at the Cliffs in Pismo and trying the new ramen shop in SLO. Here is a Pinterest board I keep of other date ideas in our area. 

What would YOU do on a dream date? 

Retroactive Prayer

Have you ever prayed that something would happen retroactively?

Sometimes I struggle with the concept of prayer in general - if I believe that my God is all knowing, why do I tell him things or ask him for things? I have my own answers to that question, but it is mind bending for me to try and sync my ideas of God with my human interactions with him.

For example, I believe that God is omnipresent, which includes time and space. He can be everywhere, at all times, at any time, and his time is not linear like the way we see time. If he is all powerful, he can be in the past and future right now, and if he has always been and always will be, is there such thing as past, present, and future for him?

When I connect his omnipresence and his omnipotence together, I wonder, can I pray for things that have already happened in my life? Not necessarily that the past would be changed. Usually, this situation comes up when I said I would pray for someone else concerning something that had a deadline (a trip, an illness, an important appointment, etc.), but I forgot to do it before that appointed time arrived. Although I don't believe that God needs my individual prayers in order to care for that person, I still want to keep my promise to pray for them and intercede for their needs before Christ.

So what do you think? Is it pointless to ask God to affect something that happened in earthly past, but may not be "in the past" in his realm at all? If he is all powerful, it couldn't hurt, right? I don't know, maybe it's a crazy idea - maybe it's better to just pray for those in my life or about a particular situation after it's happened in earthly time and rely on the power of Christ to resolve the situation if it's still something that is troubling after the "prayer deadline" has passed.

On a somewhat different subject, do you make an effort to be extra reverent when you pray? Do you clean up your language and grammar when you talk to God? Do you consider it irreverent to pray on the toilet, for example?

I take care not to say things that I think would hurt or offend God, but in general, I talk to him (when I pray alone) the way I would talk to my husband - honestly, openly, sometimes angrily, sometimes in the midst doing very human things.

I am curious to know if any of you have particular prayer habits or beliefs? Perhaps those that you question the sanity or effectiveness of? Tell me about them!

[image credit]

Reality Check

If you could be a contestant on any reality TV show, which would you pick? And if you actually got the chance, would you take it? I always wonder if I could deal with being away from my family for that long. I also wonder what kind of character they would cast me as - I'm pretty sure they edit most shows to make certain people appear a certain way. I listened to this fascinating and horrifying story on This American Life about how the interviewers on reality shows ask you questions in such a way as to make you make things up.

I admit that this is pretty much mindless trash TV, but I get sucked in to Love In The Wild. The basic premise is a bunch of singles pair up and have to do day-adventures together, then get to decide if they want to keep their partner or switch. As the show progresses couples form, and the winning couple gets an all-expenses paid trip around the world. I would probably never get cast for this show because I don't have long wavy hair and I can actually spell my own name. Plus I'm happily married. But I still like to imagine Jonas and I on this show in a situation more like The Amazing Race (we're already together, just competing against other couples). 

I've even got Jonas hooked on this show. We mostly make fun of how wimpy most of the girls are and chime in on whether certain people have honorable relationship habits or not. Back to the wimpy girls, one girl almost quit because she had to sleep in a sleeping bag under a lean-to! I want so bad for there to be a missionary kid or lady-marine to get on the show and just waltz along and actually appreciate what a sweet deal the whole set up is - gorgeous island settings (isn't this one - not from the show - beautiful?), resorts at the end of the day, tropical breakfasts. I wish the challenges were longer and harder. 

Then there are shows that actually require contestants to be talented, like The Next Iron Chef, Chopped, Face Off, and Project Runway. I like to imagine what I'd do on each of those shows, but I have a healthy respect for how difficult it would be to be constantly on-the-spot in that situation, basically being forced to come up with amazing stuff under some seriously stressful constraints.