A Mysterious Love

Nothing comes from nothing. I am often nervous to publish my thoughts because they are always evolving, and fed by many sources. I wonder if it makes any sense to others or if it might seem like I make great leaps of thought without any supporting structure between them. Lately I'm drawing on themes of mysticism and anti-hierarchy as an expression of love, so that's informing my processing. 

About a year ago, I finished Rachel Held Evan's book Inspired which is about learning to read the Bible again if you've been burned by the way it was taught to you. I was encouraged that it is a proper and valid response to the Bible to be appalled by parts of it. The fact that something is recorded in the Bible does not mean we should like it or emulate it (lesser repercussions for abuse of sex slaves than regular adultery in Leviticus 19:20-22, for example). 

Recently I was writing about marriage for a work project. I have been "unequally yoked" for 12 years with a partner who wants screen captioning on at all times. Nevertheless, I'd recommend marriage if you find someone who is willing and able to grow with you. I noticed while digging around for my project though, that if I was going on scriptural references of marriage alone, I would not want anything to do with marriage. Almost all scriptural references to marriage allude to a sort of bizarre power dynamic that doesn't seem to play well with the gospel at large. 

There are 3 possible reasons for this, as I see it, baring in mind that I believe there is something good in the practice of a healthy marriage and that there is truth in the Bible. First, scriptures were recorded in a cultural context that is different than present day; maybe the emphasis in passages about marriage are very particular to the ethos in which they were recorded.  Secondly, the time in which I am reading and writing has it's own cultural context; maybe I can not help but see these passages in a certain light because of ethos of my religious history (less than stellar). Third, maybe neither of those first two is the case and I am simply not understanding what scripture is saying about marriage.

Here is 1 Peter 3:7 (ESV), which is strange and doesn't make sense as a progression of thought to me. It barely makes more sense in the context of the rest of 1 Peter 3, either. My thoughts in parenthesis:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way (good advice for anyone), showing honor to the woman (yes, good) as the weaker vessel (???), since they are heirs with you of the grace of life (true), so that your prayers may not be hindered (what does this have to do with anything?). 

Scripture holds contradictions and does not break. That's not unique to scripture, it's the reality of nature. We live in a both/and world more than an either/or world. For example, we are to obey the law of the land (Romans 13), but also it's right to go against bad laws (Exodus 2, lots of Daniel, etc.). They don't negate each other, they both hold wisdom. When I accept that the Bible encompasses a multitude of truths, I stop treating it like a legal document. I can set aside the fact that marriage in the Bible is distressing and return to what I know is solid ground - the way the trinity engages with women. 

The least distressing (but still sort of weird) theme surrounding marriage in scripture is the relationship analogy of Jesus Christ and the church (the collective of disciples throughout the ages).  Ephesians 5:25-33 gives a not-very-clear explanation of this. It tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church - that is the ultimate love, and a lofty and noble goal between humans. How to go about that, according to Ephesians, involves purification, and I'm not sure I'm tracking with that part, but neither does it trip me up too much. 

Then we reach verse 31, which is a quotation from Genesis (strange, but not that difficult to understand). “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Then verse 32-33: "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

Note that the author himself (Peter) acknowledges or admits that this is a "profound mystery." Even though Peter is referring to the relationship between Christ and the church, husbands and wives should go ahead and get back to this lopsided expression of unity. Maybe that is the point. The church can not love Jesus as much as Jesus loves the church because we are not perfect in our loving. That makes sense to me, but it is unfortunate if the party lacking in perfection is associated with a female partner in a human marriage. If that is what scripture is alluding to, it's an analogy that sets up a false and harmful distinction between men and women. 

Let's revisit the "mystery" part, even though this mystery is currently reading like a gas station romance novel. I am interested when scripture makes a point of saying something is hard to understand. A search of the terms "insight", "understanding", and "mystery" is worth making. Many things of mystery in the scripture are revealed even within scripture. Other mysteries remain mysterious, as far as I can tell. 

This calls for wisdom. Let the person who has insight calculate.... (Revelation 13:18, 17:19)

He who has ears, let him hear. (Matthew 11:15 and 5 other instances)

The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. (Isaiah 40:28)

You have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children. (Luke 10:21)

Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed... (1 Corinthians 15:51)

They must hold the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience. (1 Timothy 3:9)

Part of the practice of mysticism is embracing the unknown. A mystic's lens toward scripture and faith is also profoundly accessible. As image-barers of God, we each have innate access to God. Some of the tricky ideas confound the learned, but are obvious to hearts that have no frame of reference (Luke 10:21). Even though I don't fully understand what Jesus was talking about when he stated that kind of revelation of mystery, Luke said that it filled Jesus with the joy of the Holy Spirit. Whatever it is, it is a good, good thing. 

Illustrated by Natalia Ramas for Esther Perel

One of my sisters is a member of the Anglican church. In the Anglican tradition, sacraments in the church carry an aspect of divine mystery, almost as if something magical happens. The sacraments of marriage and communion are considered especially magical (my words) because within those practices, God is imparting divine grace to those partaking. 

Divine grace and the relationship between Jesus and the church are not gender specific or exclusionary. It can be true that marriage is a union in which we are gifted divine grace, but it is also true that we can access divine grace without experiencing marriage. Covenant male-female unions are not more divine than other unions, such as the union between an individual and their community, for example. The innate worth and God-reflection of each individual stands alone. Marriage is not more holy than celibacy or singleness. Men are not more holy than women. Women are not more holy than men. Men and women are not more holy than non-binary people. 

I do think that part of our God-reflecting nature as humans is that we're created for relationship. We are not worth more because of our affiliation with others, but we can compliment one another. I use the term "compliment" gingerly since Complementarianism as a theory is a mine shaft. I'll start by explaining what we already know - from individual to individual, we have different personalities, giftings, interests, struggles. Human diversity is amazing. My friend Mark described our souls as shards of light broken off from a prism. We are each born of this original whole (God), and the full realization of our beings is to regroup as the Whole (oneness with God). I asked him to repeat it like 3 times, so I hope I represented his idea correctly (he doesn't describe the original whole as God, but the analogy works for me). 

If we think of ourselves as these light reflections, each of us is already In The Image, but we are a brighter segment of light when we gather. Complementarianism makes sense if we think about it like pieces of light. Unfortunately, it's often used to make small the union of male-female marriage. I think partners within a healthy marriage can and should compliment one another's skills and nature and grow in the ability to work together toward the best representation of a team that they can. Who holds each portion of the complimentary whole should not be bound by gender, nor should it be static. Women are not by nature better at caring for children. Adults working as a team generally benefit children. Men are not by nature better leaders (and exploring "leadership" is a whole other thing). There is nothing that I know that nature or the gospel supports as more suitable behavior or aptitude for one gender over another. 

Within marriage I think complementarianism of gender is somewhat redeemed if we get rid of the "two halves make a whole" idea and embrace the yin-yang. It's not perfect, because you're still looking at two "opposite" parts creating a whole, but it's better. The yin-yang illustrates that within the light there is dark, and within the dark there is light. Within the female there is male, within the male there is female. The portions are not mutually exclusive. The yin-yang also illustrates contrast over opposition. "The small dots represent the idea that both sides carry the seed of the other. The curvy line signifies that there are no absolute separations between the two opposites. The yin-yang symbol, then, embodies both sides: duality, paradox, unity in diversity, change, and harmony" (source).

I don't mean to be esoteric as I'm making up words to try and capture ideas, but I am eager to embrace the freedom of mystery. I think God is most accurately Beyond more than God is my understanding of Whole. Both wholeness and beyondness mean that God is not only genderless, but contains all representations of gender because God is the source of our light fractures. God contains the divine feminine, even though God is not only feminine. I think that when we crave to be viewed apart from our gender (and its cultural associations), part of that longing is us reflecting our original state and connection to God's Beyondness. My identity is my worth as an image-barer, not in my womanhood. If there are no boundaries, we may risk shapelessness and maybe nothingness. Even so, there is something holy in the notion of fluidity and pinging between boundaries. "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28).  

I have a hard time thinking about relationships outside of the context of hierarchy. That is part of why passages about marriage in the Bible are so difficult to grapple with. Men are clearly above women in most cultures, including the human cultures recorded in the Bible (I say "human" because I do think the gospel/Jesus upends that). Teachers are clearly above students. Adults are above children. The free are above the slave. All of those things are true in so far as they usually play out in our world. They are not true in terms of human worth. Why then, do we distinguish between positions of worth (universally equal) and social roles? 

Part of the practice of living in the Kingdom of God (here and now) is imagining Beyondness before it is achieved. I feel the same resistance against dismantling of hierarchy that you probably do, because life as we know it would unravel without hierarchy. But isn't our end goal exactly to transcend life as we know it, in part by remaking the world we are in? Since we did not create ourselves, I don't know that we can or want to ever be equal with That which created us. But MAYBE that is part of profound mystery of love Peter referenced...."the two shall become one...This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."

In my current understanding, ultimate love erases hierarchy. Anarchy, by one definition, is a society or group of people that rejects a set hierarchy. I think a healthy partnership within divine grace (marriage) is an erasure of hierarchy. Recognizing the worth and dignity of women, children, the impoverished, the unwell, and the imprisoned is an erasure of power structure and an act of holy love (Matthew 25:31-46). Instead of descent into chaos, I think radical love is an ascent into anarchy - a mysterious love without hierarchy. 

Our 2018 Wedding: Flora and Fauna

Tomorrow is my 6th wedding anniversary with Jonas, and 9 (!) years of us being a couple. If you're looking for sentimentality or advice, may I direct you to previous posts under the Holy Matrimony Batman tag (on the right side bar if you're viewing on a computer). This year, Jonas and I have been tag-teaming a variety of illnesses for the past 3+ weeks, our county endured the largest wildfire in California history, only to be covered in a catastrophic avalanche when it finally rained last week, and we recently discussed that we'll continue our practice of not giving each other gifts or going on getaways on occasions just because "that's what you do." (We both prefer spontaneous shopping and saving up for traveling abroad.)

Our anniversary is not feeling very romantic this year, but I still amuse myself by noticing just how much we've grown and changed since getting together as teenagers. And also how much we haven't changed. I've re-imagined what our wedding might have looked like had we gotten married recently, in light of my growing adoration of flowers and Jonas' growing collection of preserved wildlife.

The theme would be Flora and Fauna, which, in my mind, naturally bends toward the Victorian Macabre. It's a blend of the primitive and the ornate, the vibrancy of life in the clutches of death. A cabinet of curiosities. I envision iridescent beetles, crumbling scientific labels, strangling vines, and lush embroidered velvets. Charcuterie boards spilling over with bleeding pomegranates and dripping candle wax. The venue would be an abandoned Conservatory, guests are invited to be costumey, and the bride would wear a cape (obviously).

These images are from all over Pinterest. I don't mean to steal anyone's work, so I can track down a source if you really, really need it for some reason. 

Happy Anniversary to us. I'm delighted to have someone to grow weirder with with each passing year. Maybe in a few years we'll be celebrating in good health in some exotic vacation spot. 

4.5 Weddings I'm Crushing On

I have zero regrets that my wedding was simple, but I sure do love to look at weddings that are over the top. I love conceptualizing parties, but the logistics will always be a deterrent for me. I've only recently started to host people for dinner because I've always psyched myself out about how impressive everything should be (rather, how I want to it to be, because the planning is fun!) and then feel exhausted and disappointed when I try and create something on the scale of what I imagine and end up not enjoying (or simply never throwing) parties.

One of my favorite (and sometimes most embarrassing) things about this blog is being able to see how my style and opinions change over time. Way back in 2014, I did a roundup of my favorite weddings on the internet, and while that list was already reflecting my love of the unusual, my latest favorites go even further into the realm of the fantastical. You will probably notice some commonalities running throughout, not least of which is PINK!

This Pastel Kawaii wedding (part 1 and 2) is so fun. I would not choose it for my own wedding, but oh how I would love to be invited to a wedding like this! I'm less and less a believer in making major life moments look or feel "classic" or "timeless" because for one thing, that's almost impossible: even what we feel is timeless now will show its era 50 years from now. So why not let personality and quirks shine and take the opportunity to ultra-personalize events that are once-in-a-lifetime occasions?

This iridescent tablescape has been flitting about in my heart for weeks, which is saying something in terms of my attention span. It was part of an event, not a real wedding, but just imagine the wedding this might go with! It looks like it would fit right in with the Kawaii wedding, but it's a bit more polished.

Those of you fellow central-coasters will know all about the Madonna Inn. It's an ultra-kitschy hotel in San Luis Obispo, just north of where I live. In the last few years, it's become a mecca for bloggers (especially the vintage-loving variety) which gives me a bit of pride for this otherwise culture-less area, but also makes me laugh. I've only ever poked my head in at the inn, but even with my ability to see potential in the oddest places, it's a dark and dingy place. Which makes it all the more impressive that blogger's photos make it look so appealing. Teach me your filter ways! Even Grimes did a music video there! I should also mention that my husband's best friend's dad (Frank Bouget) is a legit French pastry chef (like, he's a French national) who invented the champagne cake that the Madonna Inn is known for. Some design goddesses around the internet literally order it for themselves from across the country. Lolz.

Anywayyy, it's become a bit of a destination spot for funky weddings. At this first Madonna Inn wedding, the bride wore Gucci! Then she changed into more Gucci for the reception. #Imdead. Max Wanger took the official photos which were featured in Domino Magazine, but you can see a bunch under #hellomiracle on Instagram. I love the marigolds, the glitter, the balloon drop (they were unleashed from the ceiling as the ceremony concluded), the kid's outfits, the custom bomber jackets, custom tees, neon signs, the guest's outfits... you name it, I was into it at this wedding. I happened to be driving by the hotel while this wedding was in progress, which is kind of like being at it, right?!







The second Madonna Inn wedding had a Super Pi Day theme. You should read the details on the original post and see more pictures to get the full awesomeness of the theme. I'm just here to show you pretty pictures.









This last Marie Antoinette inspired wedding was another inspiration shoot as opposed to a real wedding. There were parts of this one I would have done very differently, but I love the hair and the little eye veil!! Also the pink chandelier and the desserts.

Which is your favorite? What kind of over the top themed wedding do you dream of being invited to? 

5 Lessons from 5 Years of Marriage

Five years of marriage (as of 1/14/17), 8 years of togetherness. In the grand scheme of things it's not very long, but it feels like a noteworthy accomplishment for multiple reasons. The beginning was so bumpy, the circumstances somewhat precarious. The odds so against us, in some ways.

If I did not have an extremely healthy awareness of the fact that divorce is not something you overcome once and then never are threatened by again, I'd say HAHA to everyone who said we couldn't do it and that we were too young...
(sometimes being right is still painful)

I used to think divorce was something that just fell from the sky on you one day and ruined everything. I used to think divorce was something that happened to people who somehow were never right for each other in the first place. Because perfect-for-each-other people never get divorced, right? Five years in, I know there are no perfect people, nor perfect-for-each-other people. No perfect unions. Sometimes the illusion that perfection is real leads to disaster. It's in expecting one person to fulfill every part of you that we are let down severely in marriage.

I never thought I'd have divorced friends - not because myself or my friends are above that, it just simply never occurred to me, despite statistics. I didn't know very many couples growing up who got divorced (a product of being surrounded by missionaries, perhaps, though they are not immune either). As it has turned out, several of my dearest friends have been divorced, and many, many acquaintances and schoolmates have been divorced. It is a heartbreak that I bear with me and a sobering reminder that none of us is too good or too strong to will a marriage into lasting. Divorce is not always a result of having done everything wrong, which is what I tend to think of it as. But no matter what the cause, it is a bitter pill to swallow, even as a friend once removed.

Now I see divorce as a storm that is always raging, always whipping at the cliffs. Marriage takes place on the edge of that cliff where we cling to one another bracing against that storm. Marriage is not a calm field upon which the storm attacks from nowhere. Marriage is the improbable eye of the storm, the defiant clinging to the cliff in the face of the storm. And our muscles flex and grow as we cling to that cliff. Sorry if that's cheesy.

I don't mean to be doom-and-gloom about marriage or to simplify marriage or divorce, or even to give the impression that I'm in fear of divorce. My views on divorce and marriage may not apply to the average couple, I'm not sure. For me, I have seen staggering numbers of people I know personally go through divorce, and because of that, it feels like it's closing in sometimes. My wariness of the possibility of divorce is not lack of faith in marriage, but merely that I've grown not to take marriage for granted. Making marriage work is not a decision you make just one time, as any married person can tell you.

With that in mind, here are my imperfect pearls of wisdom, thus far...

1. Relinquish control.

A friend asked me recently what the biggest lesson I'd learned in having kids is. After basically zero thought, I said "that I'm not in control". And I think the same is true about marriage. I want to be in control because I think that will make things work well, but apparently other people don't think so.

The only thing that comes from wishing my husband or kids were something other than what they are is resentment. Sure, I pictured some (most? all?) of the dynamics of our life and marriage differently before we were actually in the thick of it, but often times, what I focused on was what I wanted my husband to be, not on who my husband really is.

Jonas and I do not share every interest or goal or value, but we try and facilitate one another's abilities to explore our personal paths. It is better to walk my own path with my hand in his than it is to be pulled on to his path, or to try and drag him on to mine. The very concept of us having personal paths was not something I believed in at first, nor perhaps something that everyone will agree with.

I'm even learning to let go of my desire to control the very concept of control. Jonas is not the "driven" one between the two of us, which is what I've wanted him to be at times, but he is almost always the self-sacrificing one. And what is true leadership if not sacrificial? Leadership is saying "I'm sorry" first, it's forgiving first, it means reaching out, even when your partner is at their worst. Leadership is not setting a goal and making your spouse claw their way to it. It's so odd, looking back, how I could have missed that truth. As if I would have really enjoyed Jonas pushing me to hit such-and-such a goal instead of allowing me to create my own goals and enabling me to reach them.

2. GET COUNSELING. Communal and professional. This is the advice I give brides-to-be at showers (ever the downer...) - it is never too early to get help.

Plenty of people say not to air your partner's dirty laundry in front of others, but I say do it (with trustworthy, wise people). My one disclaimer is that my husband knows that I'm a giant blabber, and he's learned to spell out specific things he'd rather me not discuss (I don't do it maliciously, I'm just a very open person).

When it comes to communal counseling, I don't have secrets from my husband or my best friends, and that means they can tell me when I'm being an ass and they can comfort me when I'm struggling and they can send me back to my husband to patch things up when need be. Multiple divorced friends of mine never talked about their marital turmoil until divorce papers were drawn up. The one I can think of who was open about her marriage being on the verge of collapse did talk about it - it felt dark and heartbreaking and helpless, but that couple actually stayed together, and it was an incredible testimony in several ways.

I often think about that part of marriage ceremonies where the priest/pastor/officiant asks the congregation whether they will support the marriage and be their community of accountability. I think everyone says "we will" every time, yet we so rarely share or probe that deeply into one another's friendships, thinking "it's none of our business". I understand that there's a fine line, but let us at least give one another a chance to uphold our communal vows.

When it comes to professional counseling, WORTH. IT. It doesn't save marriages in every case, but it's very rarely totally useless. I think the cost of professional counseling would have been prohibitive for us, but I also know that we could have asked our parents (on both sides) for the money and they would have willingly given it. I probably would have been too ashamed to ask for money for counseling, as it was remarkably difficult to overcome the shame of going to counseling in our first year of marriage in the first place. Thankfully, it was free to talk to the pastor of our church (who also married us), who's not always the gentlest counselor, but he said some things that we needed to hear, and we had the added benefit of him knowing us a little bit. I'm so thankful that we went, as it was a major pivot point during a pretty rough stretch. Within the past few years, our church has begun offering free professional counseling as well.

3. Nurture your sense of self, as well as your sense of place in things other than your marriage; spirituality, community, society - if you need space to be a whole individual such that you can be a good partner, make it happen. The same applies to parenthood, in my opinion. I still feel like this advice rubs up against Christian cultural conventions, but I'm not saying "think only of yourself", I'm just saying don't let yourself be swallowed. Don't let your husband or your kids be what defines you, because then you will fall apart when they disappoint you. As an introvert, I need space to be alone or be myself. If you're an extrovert, you probably will need more than just your partner for social and emotional health, and it's better to realize that and cultivate those other relationships than resent your partner for not being enough.

4. Throw out conventions. I have trouble discerning between what is good about tradition and orthodoxy and what is truth that has become twisted by time. So often, I find that bucking convention really means carving away at the callouses that have grown over something that was once beautiful. Like the leadership issue - Biblical truth is solid, it's our cultural and sinful interpretations that have us operating in the opposite direction, all the while thinking we're doing it "right". Church culture tends to think that the man, in being the "head of the household", should make the big decisions and be the breadwinner. I've seen the attempt to stick to marital gender-norm expectations cripple relationships more than once, and I wouldn't be surprised if Jonas ends up being a stay-at-home or work-from-home dad down the road, while I have a more typical "career". Let's get rid of that stigma - doesn't it make sense that doing what we're suited to would make a marriage stronger rather than threatening it? Unconventional roles don't need to cancel out mutual respect.

5. Put down the phone. This one is hard for me. I use my phone and computer a lot in every-day life; for work, for school, for recreation. Even though I'm pretty good at setting aside media at events or in gatherings, being with my husband isn't really an event (unless it's a date), it's every day life! So, we have to make a very conscious effort to connect during every day life. Put down our devices when we talk to one another, and even schedule time to spend with one another at home. Otherwise, it is incredibly easy to drift apart or not appreciate your partner as anything beyond part of your mundane routine.

The first few months of our marriage were so happy, but the second year was hell. Since then, there are have been long stretches that just felt blah - sometimes so mundane that I forgot what being in love meant. Being in love is quieter with time, and parenthood complicates that, and now we battle busyness. I cherish the good and fun and intense times, and I plod through the not-as-great times, knowing that it can and will be vibrant again. I am not so naive as to believe that we will never go through hell again, whether self inflicted or as the result of tragedy that seems insurmountable (grave illness, loss of loved ones). But I'm also encouraged by what we've persevered through so far.

We're taking it slow - a day at a time - but I fully plan to be a gnarled old couple, a rarity in a sea of wrecked ships, though it is assuredly not by my own strength that such a thing has been or will be achieved. Maybe it sounds sad, but 5 years really feels like something to be proud of.

Top photo from our reception in 2012, by Kappen Photography.

Illustration by Wiebke Rauers.  

Falling In Love

In his poem "Falling," which I've referenced before, Patrick Phillips writes that falling in love "happens at least a dozen times a day", but he still belongs to his spouse. 

I talk about having crushes a lot, and it makes people uncomfortable. I do not think of having a crush as cheating, I think of it as acknowledging that I'm attracted to something or someone in some way - attraction is not the same as being unfaithful. This [fascinating] article describes the common idea of falling in love as the process of meeting someone to whom you are drawn, getting to know them, getting physical, and finally getting sexual (although I think it's misleading to make sex sound like the final phase).

As a married, monogamous women, I only fall in love half way with anyone but my husband, but I think the meeting and getting to know someone part of falling in love is underestimated in its power and its beauty much of the time. And its ability to happen apart from ones spouse. Whether half falling in love is appropriate apart from one's significant other probably depends on the situation. 

I certainly don't crush on just anyone or anything, but that feeling of really clicking with someone is so wonderful, I chase it and find myself entwined. I love the excitement and the newness, and one of the greatest challenges in marriage (for me) is to cultivate a sense of mystery and desire in spite of having already gotten everything that I want. 

For me, the longing and the "getting to know someone" phase is the most intoxicating, and I want to be known just as intensely in return. It's a little shocking when this happens with someone new - I don't really have casual relationships in my life, mostly just infatuated ones (that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my drift). Since being married, I'm pretty careful not to get anything close to infatuated with any man, but I've found my capacity to be caught up with my [platonic] love for a woman to be just as powerful and almost as curious and dangerous feeling. I don't mean to say that women should stay away from friendships with men if they're married, but considering how easily I fall in love, I generally limit my relationships to women because I am heterosexual and relationships with women thereby make falling wholey in love less likely. 

I don't believe in there being only one soul mate out there for any one of us in the sense that there is literally only one person for you, and if they happen to live in Timbuktu, you've lost your chance at love. I think I could fall in love with plenty of people given the chance, and/but I'm delighted that the person who was willing to go on that journey with me ended up being Jonas.

I saw a child's shirt one time that said, "please don't talk to me, I fall in love so easily" (turns out it's a song), and that's exactly how I feel. There is something about the power and intimacy of words, particularly written words, in my case, that just sends me head over heels. To know someone's secrets is one of the most personal experiences that exist. 

The thing that got me thinking about falling in love was browsing this article right before bed (at which point I whipped out the laptop and started writing this because this entire concept so seized me). There's an often cited experiment of staring into someone's eyes for 2-4 minutes, and that act accelerating the process of falling in love. Jonas told that to me even before we were dating and we used to lock eyes. It was kind of a flirtatious game, but who knows, maybe that's what started everything...

The article includes a series of questions that is supposed to aid two strangers in falling in love. I'm a bit obsessed with asking this type of question of people that I care for. I think a lot of people I love can attest to the fact that I can be "intense." This kind of thing is to me like a shiny object is to a squirrel. In fact, I have this whole category of blog posts called "Musings" in which I just go ahead and answer this kind of personal-ish question that people don't end up actually asking in regular conversation. These are the kinds of answers that tell you so much about someone and are difficult to give a canned answer to. 

These are much harder to answer than they appear to be at first glance, even for me, who manages to have these kind of answers stashed away. As I'm reading them, it is crazy how intimate some of these answers feel, even though I consider myself to have very few, if any, secrets. There are several that I couldn't answer publicly, for sure. I wonder if those are the ones that make me fall in love...

What does falling in love feel like for you? Do you fall in love (at least halfway) with your closest friends? What draws you to someone?

Here are some of my answers to the questions from the article. I'd love to hear some of your answers too (I promise to probably not fall half-way in love with you). 

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? A Chinese friend I lost contact with. I'm afraid of actually trying to find her - I feel guilty that I haven't tried some of the more drastic things I could try, worried that I'd never find her anyway (or never go as far as I could in my attempts), and worried that if I did find her, nothing would come of it - we'd say, "hi, nice to have reconnected", and that would be it. 

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? I think so. Not necessarily in the red-carpet sense, but I'd like to create something outstanding and have other people connect with it to the point of adoration for the work. 

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? If I'm nervous about the conversation, I will probably rehearse it, but I communicate in writing whenever possible (which allows for the maximum amount of rehearsing!). 

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? Something planned for me by someone who knows me extremely well - not a total surprise, because they unsettle me, but also not a highly structured series of events that I'm told about beforehand, because then I will inevitably find something that doesn't live up to the image I had of it in my head. Perfection is unplanned, stress-free, in-the-moment satisfaction. #highmaintenance 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I sing to myself if I have a song stuck in my head or if a song I love is playing, and I sing to my kids every night, but it's been many years since I sang with my real voice for other adults without disguising it in goofyness. I'm afraid that I won't sound as good as I think I do, and thereby humiliate myself. 

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? It depends on what is meant by a 30-year-old mind. If we're talking about the clarity of a 30-year-old mind, I'd rather have that, but if we're talking in terms of experience and maturity of the mind, I'd rather have a body that is less  worn out and a seasoned mind. 

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? Not really. I think a plane crash is probably ideal (relatively short lived, easy and almost poetic body disposal, likely to be with a loved one, probably on the way to somewhere I'm excited to be going), but unlikely. I'm appalled at the idea that I might die in a stupid accident, like getting hit by a falling coconut or something. I hope my death is dignified in some way. 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? Probably my faith, which I think is kind of a curious and morphing phenomenon. 

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? I would have liked a friend who survived moving. I ended up having this in my siblings, but that didn't really happen in the way that I craved until adulthood (partly because I wouldn't let it). 

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? A desire/enjoyment/consistency to be in shape. And upon second thought, I'd like the retain emotional-knowledge from one situation (er, argument) to another so that I never have to find myself promising to do better next time while feeling like I probably can't/won't. 

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? Probably nothing - knowing the future without being able to change it is a curse, in my opinion. If I knew that the future could be altered by changing things now, then I suppose I'd want to know what my biggest mistakes will be so that I could try to avoid them. 

16. What do you value most in a friendship? Probably attentiveness that matches mine - a comfortable mutual understanding of what the proper amount of intimacy is. I have yet to achieve this... 

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? I would stop making excuses not to travel, and I would pay more attention to my kids instead of seeing them as getting in my way. 

20. What does friendship mean to you? Friendship is highly intentional to me. It's ideally a life-time commitment, like a family member that you get to choose, or a spouse that you're not sleeping with. Maybe this boils down to loyalty. 

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? I think I see love and affection as the most precious thing that I have to offer, so I am both careful and extravagant with it, and also allow a lot of pain into my life because of how I choose to love or give affection (that is, deeply).

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? I do think my childhood was happier than many, and so it confuses me that it feels so sad to look back on it sometimes. Growing up, I considered my family to be close but not warm (largely because I did not seek warmth), but I feel it is much warmer now. 

Set III

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. I will be a giant time commitment, but I will also be the best friend you've ever had. 

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I think it's been a few months since I cried in front of someone else, but I cried by myself last week. 

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Sexual assault of anyone or harm of children. 

{image credits: 1, 2, 3}

Wedding Inspiration: A Midnight Howl

Once upon a time, I came across a wedding inspiration post for a midnight seance ritual in a graveyard type thing. It was spooky and creepy and not celebratory at all, but that's kind of the fun of doing inspiration posts: you get to make up this scene that you'd never end up using for an actual wedding, but is still interesting and creative (I in no way endorse Satanic rituals, just FYI). For the life of me, I can not figure out where I saw it though, and searching all the key words has gotten me nowhere.

I know this mystery inspiration I saw had some rad details that I've forgotten and are probably more cohesive than mine, but in case you want to do a fancy Halloween party and steal the show as Persephone or something, here's what I've got for ya...

• A fitting venue. 
• The altar should be a ring of candles, like this, but more candles closer together and maybe directly on the ground instead of in candlesticks.
• I'm envisioning a giant and wild bouquet of dead (dried) flowers. Wouldn't that be amazing?! I imagine that it would be difficult to give a bouquet like that the illusion of movement since dried flowers are so stiff, but a creative florist could manage it, I'm sure. Two photos that are going in the right direction is this one of a smokebush (if it were dried) and this one. 
• For dinner, a squid ink pasta dish is a must. And dripping piles of halved blood oranges! 
• The soundtrack to this event must include lots of CocoRosie. (major heebiejeebies!) 

Wild hair, furs (so deadly, in this context!), men dressed like pallbearers (Gucciiiiii, hearts for eyes), antique Victorian photographs...

A few more detail photos that didn't quite fit... skull vases (succulents absolutely not allowed), snake candle holders (they just look like poo with the photos this small, sorry), black veils with headchains, snake imagery on plates and paper suites, antique calling cards as place cards ("who the devil are you"), Victorian celestial lockets. I only just thought of this, but mourning jewelry with real hair would be perfect.  

Would you ever do a themed wedding? And if you decorate for Halloween (I don't...) what are some of your favorite creative decor ideas? I loved this from the most recent Martha Stewart magazine. Spray paint all the things gold!!!

Image credits: spiderweb dress, lady in feathers (YSL 1990), black slip dress, menswear, ladies with long hair, skulls and snakes from West Elm, lotus emblem, Romani church, moon locket... I'm getting lazy. If you see one that you need the source for, lemme know, and please don't sue me. 

Evolution of a Wedding Dress

I'm forever grateful not to be planning my own wedding anymore, but I never tire of building weddings in my head. I never found The One, in terms of my wedding dress, though I had been dreaming of wedding dresses since I was quite young. My fourth anniversary with Jonas is coming right up, so I thought I'd do a little wedding-themed post and chose to look back on some of my dream dresses from various periods in my life. You'll find a lot of links sprinkled throughout that you can follow to see second-tier favorites or dresses that inspired me along the way.

The first dress I fell in love with was from Reem Acra's Spring 2006 collection. They even made a Barbie with this dress! I have the oldschool paper-copy ad saved and everything! The only detail I'm not crazy about (then or now) is those swirls on the front of the skirt.



I didn't start really looking at dresses again until I was engaged, and I settled on this dress by the Spanish design house Pronovias (2011). This dress went perfectly with the wedding theme I was planning for my real wedding, but the whole thing became too stressful and I called off the wedding (not the marriage). I decided I just wanted to go to the courthouse instead, but as it happens, our county courthouse in Santa Barbara is incredibly beautiful and my mom talked me back in to having a very small wedding. The only available size left in the US was a 14, and it was in New York, so that wasn't very practical.

I never found anything I liked in Bridal shops (I'm a professional pain in the butt), so I decided to build my own dress through a service in China. To keep cost and confusion down, I chose something really simple. I wanted to wear pants or something colorful that would show my personality or at least show off my legs (just being truthful...) but that was a little too wild for some of my immediate family (and fiance), so I decided on a sheer-skirted dress, which was very fashion forward at the beginning of 2012. ;) The image I worked off of was this 1999 Vogue editorial - the dress is Chanel.

The whole dress cost me $180 (including international shipping) plus about $50 in alterations.  It still didn't fit in the bodice after alterations and it was almost impossible to sit down in. I actually requested that the netting have swiss dots, but that wasn't an available fabric. I also changed the neckline to make it less 90s. I wish I'd splurged a bit on the quality of the dress and got some beading  or something other than mosquito netting. I loved the look of my cape-train, but again, it was the absolute cheapest sari I could find. Here's me in my custom wedding dress.

If I had to pick today, I might wear this ensemble, by Amsale (I love every dress in this spread, a true rarity!). I'm going to call 2016 as the year that Bridal HATS make a comeback. So Bianca Jagger, amiright?!

But more practically, I would wear vintage (one of a kind and generally cheaper!). I think Shop Gossamer has incredible dresses, including ones you can rent. Edwardian (1910s), 60s and 70s are my favorite vintage eras. I think I would strongly consider a dress with floral elements as well.

You can see all the bridal looks that I'm fond of on my Pinterest board Best Dressed Bride.

I'm not as attached to my wedding dress as I used to be - and I wasn't all that attached to begin with - but I still have it and I wonder about whether I should upcycle it or try and alter it again so that it will fit my post-baby hips. It would make a fun outfit for a special anniversary!

What kind of dress did you wear? Would you wear something different if you had to choose again? Where is your wedding dress now?

Photo sources: 1, 2, 3, 5

For Poorer

I'm stealing the title of this post from a great piece of the same name. You should read it, especially if you're poor-ish, with young kids, and a freelancer (or would-be freelancer). It's a rough combo. There's no earth shattering resolution, just a feeling that you're not alone in this situation.


"Lord you know that I am ready, ready for my Sugar Daddy"... this song! 

I've been thinking about what it means to be poor in America for a long time. In high school, which I attended online, we used to have these things called "resumes", which was a misleading term for what was essentially a blank canvas that popped up when you clicked on a student's name and where the owner of that name could create any impression of themselves that they wanted in that space. For the longest time, I had this quote up there by John Locke from his Second Treatise of Government (I know, I was pretty edgy), "money has but fantastical, imaginary value."

At the time, I took this to mean, "who needs money, all you need is love, joy, peace, [insert whatever]". As I've gotten older and had to start paying for things, I've come to realize that he was probably commenting on the fact that money is only valuable because we all agree that it is and we all subscribe to a system in which we accept money in return for goods or favors. The money itself is meaningless, merely paper or metal that we believe to be worth something.

[my new motto is going to have to be some version of Moss's quote: "At least I have a lot of love in my life. Love is all I've got. That, and my sweet style."]

This realization has been somewhat of a letdown. As an adult, and especially as a parent, I am now keenly aware of the value of money in my life. I used to scoff at the American definition of poverty. There are so many people around the globe who have so much less than I have, and even so much less than the truly destitute and homeless people in the United States. I'm not saying that in an "eat your vegetables, there are children starving in Africa" sort of way, I saw a lot of genuinely life-threatening poverty growing up in China.

Here in California, where the good weather brings a lot of permanently homeless people, there is usually free food and shelter provided for those who seek it out, and if they really want it, there are often opportunities to learn a skill at a community center, or something of that nature. In other parts of the world, people sometimes sell a child to feed their other children, or watch their children die of starvation. That is an understanding of poverty that most Americans are shielded from, and that is a blessing.

However, I've also learned as I've grown in to an adult that suffering is not so easily defined as we sometimes think it is. It is difficult, dangerous, and feels hopeless to be poor, no matter the circumstances. Suffering, stress, and strife are universal, and even if some have experienced more disasters in life than others, the emotions are familiar.

I have been one to scowl (inwardly) at panhandlers in the U.S. and think to myself, "get yourself off drugs and get a life." "Stop milking the system and abusing my tax payments". "Only they are responsible for the position they're in, why should I help bail them out when they'll likely go get drunk off my hard earned money?"

And then I found myself with very little money, relying on other people to get by. I've always prided myself on being thrifty and good with my money. I've never been in debt, I don't spend excessively, I almost never pay full price for things, etc. But either I'm not as good with money as I thought, or there just isn't enough of it for what I considered a modest lifestyle. You've got to make it work with what you're given, right? Yet, what I'm given is paltry (and yet so good, compared to some!), and the cost of living only increases. I don't say this out of anger at employers or the job market or something, just that we don't make a lot of money (for a variety of reasons) and we have plenty of expenses.

In the United States, the official poverty line as defined for a family of 4 in 2015 is $24,250 a year. If Jonas worked full time (40 hours/week) for every week in the year at $13/hour, he would make $24,960 before taxes. For now, I'm contributing $200 a month, at most. We also end up getting more money back from the government than we pay in taxes, which is great for us, and probably why our government is in extreme debt, but that's a whole other topic. As you can see, we're just about at the poverty line as defined by the U.S. government. We rarely have more than $8000 in the bank between the two of us, and we often have a lot less than that. More often than not, $10 feels like a lot of money to me.

For the sake of this post, I took a preliminary screening test to see if our family is eligible for food stamps. We aren't, primarily (I would guess) because my parents let us live with them for free, minus the cost of utilities. Obviously, this is a HUGE blessing and opportunity and life saver for us. It keeps us from eating solely rice and beans, but I totally resell things that people give to me as hand-me-downs. #brokeasajoke. Our goal is to save enough money that we are able to go back out on our own again, and use the time that we're here to make headway in school so that we can get better paying jobs. 

I am not prone to being ashamed of myself, but it's difficult to look at these numbers and not feel embarrassed. I'm not sure that we did anything wrong that put us so far "behind" the middle-class dream-life, but sometimes it feels like we did.  Of course I wonder where we'd be if we had finished school before having [unexpected] children, but since we did, I try and find strength in the fact that we've always had everything we need from day to day, and that we are rich in family, if not in money. 

Regardless, being poor is stressful. I tell people that "we're in a time of limbo" and I might even say, "we just have to trust that God will take care of us" (which is true), but that makes it sound like I'm a lot more zen with the whole thing than I am. True, I don't constantly dwell on it, but that's mainly because I can't control it for now (God knows I try, and try, and try) and when I do dwell on (like I have been while writing this post), I get so down in the dumps that I need to go shopping. KIDDING. A little bit. At least my retail therapy happens at the thrift store. 

Really though, we're planning to move to LA, which I am excited about on many levels, but it's unhappy to think that I won't be able to afford taking advantage of much of what it great about LA. Then again, I pay $80 a month for my phone. I know that's a level of "poverty" that is pretty bearable in the grand scheme of things. I make this "quality of life" argument to myself about how it's okay to spend money on fun stuff sometimes because poverty is soul-crushing otherwise. Yet, spending money at all is pretty soul-crushing when I look at the numbers (which I often avoid because it's so painful - I know, I deserve many lectures for that), and spending money now means that we may just stay poor forever, and that would probably be even less fun.

Things like vacation or family photos that are GOOD things usually don't win out in our budget, and it's difficult to see people around me having those things. Not merely out of jealousy (though there is that at times), but because we don't act as poor as we are, and that creates some social tension. Our friends want to go out to eat or go to a show and I often have to tell them we can't afford it. It's hard to feel as brave as I make myself look when divulging that fact. I don't want to take their money (they often offer to pay for us), and God forbid I start a gofundme campaign to support my middle-class lifestyle habits (I know that's scathing, but HATH MY GENERATION NO SHAME?! I'm not going to pay for your plane tickets!).

It is difficult for me to accept monetary help from people. I don't even like taking advantage of government programs that we're eligible for, because I'm paranoid of being a whiner. I'm not sure if I grew up poor or not - my parents were supported missionaries who were very careful with their money. We had everything we needed, but both of my parents are very thrifty. They felt strongly that they shouldn't abuse the funds given to them, and so I spent a year sleeping on the floor of an office in our family apartment while my friends lived in 3 story mansions. I remember not being able to go out to eat with my friends, or even as a family, because my parents didn't have enough money. I heard my parents talk about money shortages (if only due to the lengthy transfer times between international banks) and it made me a little jumpy. I'm not trying to sound bitter, but I guess I assumed I would never let myself be in that same uncomfortable position.

So why am I poor? I'm not afraid of work. In fact, I really enjoy working. But I also value being present when my boys are very young, not to mention that we couldn't afford daycare. Being poor feels like a trap in a lot of ways. To put it bluntly, I'm not a stay at home mom because I like doing it. I'm not very good at it. I do it because I think that I should and because I can't afford not to. Seriously, I wouldn't make enough money working outside the home to pay for the cost of caring for my kids when I'm at work. As described in this article:

 "These women described their shift to stay-at-home motherhood as a choice, but a choice implies options. Work flexible hours while your child is in the care of loving, trusted caretakers—ideally in onsite daycare—or stay home with your baby and don’t work. That is a choice. No, the women I wrote about had been given what was clearly a false choice, even though the culture at large and even the women themselves often insist on believing otherwise. What kind of choice is it when your career as an attorney or investment banker demands that you stay at the office 60 hours a week or opt out of the workforce altogether? When a husband’s significant income gives a woman the “luxury” to stay home with her children, she’ll often feel compelled to choose that option."

My goal isn't to turn this in to a rant about inequality in the workforce or society forcing me into a kind of motherhood with unfair standards (even if there is some truth to that). I would be more troubled to never see my kids than I am at seeing them 24/7. But this "luxury" of staying home feels less luxurious when there's no viable alternative.

There's been some buzz about LA city and county hiking their minimum wage to $15/h over the next several years. You all know by now that I lean liberal, but maybe that's because I'm poor, not because I'm idealistic. Generally, I oppose citing sources from websites like "Republicans suck.org" or "you're an idiot if you want to take guns away from people.com" because you're not going to get level headed information from those sources. When was the last time you were convinced of something because your Facebook friend posted about how stupid your political leanings are? That said, I read this little poster recently and well, reality bites...

First of all, I KNEW I belonged in the 70s!
Like I said, this information did come from the Occupy movement, and they really have it in for rich people. I don't have a problem with rich people, although it sounds like a nice thing to be. Forget the part about CEOs making supposedly 937% more than they used to, and just think about the cost of school, food, and housing right now. I know these numbers aren't too far off because the older people in my life tell me how much of their paycheck went toward those things when they were my age, and it was a lot less than what it is now.

Not that I hear a lot of people howling about this anymore, but machines aren't smarter than us. They're just more durable. They can do the same tasks over and over, so the jobs that are left are the ones for the creative thinkers and doers and innovators - the jobs that aren't skilled are steadily disappearing, and that leaves some of us unemployed. I can say with confidence that I am a skilled person, but I don't have any paperwork to prove it, and the cost of that paperwork is incredible. Not only in dollar amount, but in time and energy that is taken away from putting food on the table and keeping my children from scratching each others eyeballs out. We have more access to knowledge than ever before, but it feels harder than ever to use it to our advantage.

Additionally, the benefits of the those good jobs increasingly help the most well off - poor people can't afford the best toys and tools, or enter politics or the other channels we consider to be able to affect change. I saw a headline that posited that successful entrepreneurs come from families with money. Starting something new (aka "hard work") is costly, and often a failure. Sure, there are people who pull themselves up by their bootstraps and build something lasting and incredible, but there are also people like me. I have dreams, I have drive, but I also have responsibilities that prevent me from focusing solely on becoming not-poor. 

For now, that leaves me and my family sharing a home with other people, going to school at night at a very slow pace, and sometimes wanting to give up because it doesn't seem like anything will ever come of this struggle. We'll never save enough money that we won't have to worry about money ever again. It's hard to think about, hard to say. Truthfully, most people I know will probably never have so much money that they never have to worry about money again - that's not my aim in life. However, I would really like to step back from the brink of total destitution at some future point.

In the midst of what so often looks like such a grim state, I have no choice but to focus on the fact that we have everything that we NEED this very day, and even some things that we don't need. I would love to have my own home. I would love to have a car that I wasn't worried about shutting down in the middle of an intersection with two kids in the back. I would love to have a car at all. I would love to not worry about money, but even if I managed all those things eventually, I know that that's not what "making it" means.

I'm taking one step at a time, reminding myself that many adults in my life who are "making it" had less than I do now at some point in their life. I know a good amount of people who have lived in a car at some point in their life. Frankly, they're the best kind of people, because they know they can make it on next to nothing and as long as you have hope, that's very powerful knowledge to have under your belt.

I probably don't need to tell you, if you've ever been even close to being poor, that it can be hard on a marriage. When you say your wedding vows, you assume that your life will mostly be for better, for richer, and in health, but it doesn't always turn out that way. I guess I should have seen that coming, marrying a 22 year old art student (insert laughing-crying emoji). But you know what? Poor in America could be worse. I am rich in immediate family, rich in church family, rich in good friends, richer than a lot of people in the world, and maybe Love really is all you need [while you wait for a few more pennies, and the opportunity to make a few more pennies]. That, and a sweet style.