Sunday, September 11, 2016

Inspiration & Anxiety

I feel a little stuck right now. These are two things I've been pondering.

Anxiety seems to be the vogue ailment these days, and I don't say that to belittle people suffering from anxiety, but these terms do seem to trend, which is kind of odd. At least in my circles, people are less depressed or gluten intolerant than they were 10 and 2 years ago respectively, but there's a lot of talk of anxiety. I find myself describing myself as anxious too. It's true, there are things I am anxious about at times.

For me, anxiety is this foggy feeling of unease. I'll have this urge to go through the files in my brain and put my finger on everything in my life that might be causing this unease, so that I can feel a moment of acute awareness or remembrance or pain. If I can hold it, then maybe I can resolve it.

Perhaps anxiety is just the new way of saying depression?

It's the knowledge that things are changing without my permission, but I don't know the details yet.

It's the feeling of not quite fitting in.

It's the feeling of wasted time, in the midst of business.

It's the feeling of being far away, and not being sure whether I want to exercise my way back into the sunlight.

It's the feeling of wanting to be different, but not caring enough to grow.

It's teeth on edge.

It's the feeling of finding out things you knew along, but don't like.

It's a romance with a phantom.

It's my soul flame threatening to snuff out. "A mouth full of blood."

As melodramatic as it sounds, it's the feeling of summer turning into fall.

I get this picture in my head of the Native Americans, and how in tune they were/are with nature. They probably would have thought it completely natural to have your body and psyche become ill or have an uncomfortable shedding of the skin as the seasons change and the world dies again and the skies storm up but never rain. It's the time of year in which I'm most aware of my emptiness.

If you'd told me 8 years ago that it would take me 10 years to graduate from college, I'd have punched you in the face. I'm pretty sure I will manage to finish by the end of 2017, and recently I got hit with a bit of senior, uh"anxiety", for lack of a better word. I suddenly feel like I'm running out of time to figure out what to do with my life. Not that that has to be decided all at once (I'm a firm believer that it shouldn't be a one-time decision), but none the less, I'm walking around under a bunch of question marks.

When it comes to Inspiration, I'm not sure whether it's really separate from anxiety to me. Or rather, the presence of one is the absence of the other. Nothing feels interesting to me right now. None of the things that I generally feel passionate about seem able to call me or grip me. I like that almost manic state of having your head full of too many ideas to focus on. Instead, I want to pour myself into something but can't seem to find anything that makes me want to get up. Cooking and getting dressed are two things that are often really fun for me, but recently, they're just chores.

Isn't this picture strange and beautiful? Someone was selling it as part of an album on Instagram a while ago and I didn't buy the whole album, but they kindly sent me a scan of this one because it sunk its teeth deep into...something... in me. I have so many questions. I want to write about it but I'm afraid that whatever I can make up will not do it justice or will stay unfinished forever, like most of my work.

I know this post is a little bit dark. Feelings pass and circumstances change. Philippians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The weirdness of the world entangles me, but the Peace of God, when we uncover it, transcends all understanding. Strange things. Beautiful things. 

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