Wednesday, September 18, 2013

How the Grinch Hated Autumn

For my annual ['09'10, '12] "I hate fall, but I still try to see the bright side" post this year, I scratched out the part about seeing the bright side, and rewrote a classic to illustrate my true feelings. [original images: 1, 2]

Every gal in the States likes Autumn a lot
But there is one particular Grinch who does not!

The Grinch hated Autumn! The whole fall season!
Now, she'll tell you why. Yes, all the many, many reasons.

Staring at her Facebook feed with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the mountains of baked goods in chocolaty browns,

She knew every gal, Facebook and beyond, 
Was busy snorting pumpkin spice, dusk until dawn. .

"And they're hanging their corn wreaths," she snarled with a sneer.
"Next month is Halloween! It's practically here!"

Then she growled, with her Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"There's just no way to keep Autumn from coming!

Tomorrow, I know all the girls and boys
Will wake bright and early, for butternut squash raviolis! 

And then! Oh, the weather! The windy, rainy, cold weather! 
If there's one thing I hate, it's mustard yellow chunky knit sweaters! 

Then all the gals, young and old, will sit down with their phones.
And they'll click and they'll share their soups made from turkey bones! 

And then they'll do something I hate most of all!
Every gal around town, the tall and the small,
Will yap about brand new fall boots and coats from the mall! 

Why, for twenty-two years I've put up with it now!

I wish I could stop Autumn from coming! But how?

Did the impossible stop the she-Grinch? Hah! The Grinch simply said,

"If I can't cancel Autumn, I'll imagine instead!"

She imagined sliding down chimneys, a rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.

She got stuck only once, for a minute or two.
But who's counting pounds after a baby or two? 

There she saw gourds, all carved in a row.
"These veggies with faces," she grinched, "are the first things to go!"

Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and she took every hint

Of dead maple leaves, slouchy beanies, 

logs in the fireplace, and premature Christmas listies. 

"Pooh-pooh to the crazies!" she began grinchily humming.

"They're about to find out that no Autumn is coming!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the gals all across the web will all cry boo-hoo!

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply must hear!"
She paused, and the Grinch put a hand to her ear.

But alas, they just baked more pies, swooned over frost on their windows,
Went ga-ga despite the orange light, less sun, the end of our summers!

So the Grinch slammed shut her computer, to avoid the grinning faces,

The misery of fall color palettes, cider satchels, Thanksgiving dishes in their places.

She put her head under the pillow and squeezed shut her eyeballs,

To wait until next summer, and avoid as much fall as possible. 

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