Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Devastatingly Sweet

You are, my dearly beloved.

I find myself getting a little defensive when I hear other women talking about how their husband is the best husband in the world. I think to myself, "they can go ahead and think that, but it's not really true, because my husband is better." But there are worse problems than knowing many ladies who think their husband is the best husband ever, right?

Jonas went back to work tonight after being home with me for three weeks. I've been dreading it, but 40 minutes into it, I'm ok. It's incredible that we've only been married for 10 months, come Wednesday. I feel like we've always been a part of each other. And while it's true that having a child is exhausting and we don't go out together as much (at all, yet), I feel like each day is a strand woven into and strengthening the rope that is our marriage. In the past 3 weeks, my love has deepened, my respect grown, my adoration made me faint, my individual self bled more and more into the body that is us. [I'm going to blow up this photo and put it in our living room. artist unknown, 1955]

He has held me as I've cried (which has been a lot) in pain, fear, wonder, love, and exhaustion. He's cherished my body that looks different and tired after carrying a child for 9 1/2 months. He's cooked and shopped for me almost daily, and ashamedly I've realized that if I had let him cook unpestered earlier, I would have realized earlier how creative and talented he is in the kitchen. He's held and comforted Ishmael many, many times when I couldn't bare any more crying or fussing or unknowable troubles of our son's. He's been the watchdog when I crash into sleep in the middle of the day, he's taken phone calls and handled visitors when I couldn't. He was a great husband before we had Ishmael, but I'm constantly blown away since having our son at how responsible he is, and how much he is a pillar to lean on in our family. He is much more capable than I ever gave him credit fore. Maybe I should lose half my blood more often so he has a chance to shine without my telling him what to do before he has a chance to do it on his own. I've thought many times of how incredibly difficult - it seems impossible to me - it would be to bare and raise a child without a strong and loving man by my side. I have a new respect and heartbreak for single parents.

I love to remember that Jonas was by my side, holding me and helping me as we brought our son into the world, and it melts my heart to see him tear up every time he remembers watching me in that amount of pain and losing that amount of blood. I love to imagine those first 2 hours of Ishmael's life that he shared with his dad, as both Ishmael and I got all cleaned up. And I'll always remember hearing him humming to Ishmael at the side of my bed in the hospital. I asked him what song he was singing, and it this song. My mom once told me she hoped my future husband would write a song like this for me.

Jonas, you crush me with your sweetness. I'm beside myself with love at the thought that our son will grow up with many of your traits. And also your eyebrows.

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