Crying, Waiting, Hoping

I went to bed and battled back pain for half the night last night. Woke up still grumpy about it and had to do anything but my most frustrating project at work for fear of a melt down. I don't want to leave work yet in case I end up eating several weeks of leave before the baby even comes, but I'm getting restless. I started a "best songs of 2012" playlist and added to my "giving birth" playlist to keep me going and help distract from the extra level of aggravation some people were causing me today. I just wished to be floating in a lake by myself.... {photo}

I'm officially full term now (37 weeks) which makes the waiting that much harder. At my weekly doctor's visit I asked whether there was any way to tell whether I was getting close, and when he pointed out that I probably wouldn't even be feeling "baby's almost here" pelvic pressure for 2 more weeks (totally normal), I had to swallow my throat lump and go home to my ice cream. [But in happier news, and pertaining to the previous post, I was 2 pounds lighter!!! What?!]

I'm trying to remember that having potentially a month left to go simply means there are still things that need to happen before the baby comes. Cleaning and installing the car seat, taking a picture or two of my belly, choosing a Pediatrician, moving, finding appliances, going through birthing classes, watching "What to Expect When You're Expecting" (so very imperative).... I'm so thankful for every outing or fun thing I get to do that I either get to look forward to for a few days or that takes my mind off waiting. My wonderful friends Jessa & Michelle threw me a shower last weekend which was amazing, and then I got to spend a day and a half with my mom and one of my sisters in LA. Tomorrow I'm planning to go all around Santa Barbara with Michelle. Next Tuesday, Jonas is going to henna my stomach and then Dan is going to take some pictures. Maybe I can go pick out curtain fabric for baby's room and design new bedroom curtains from my ever growing scrap pile. Tonight I'm planning to surprise my husband with a fancy dinner at home (portabella lasagna & thai tea white fudge). Maybe I'll get my hair cut. There's been free See's Candy at work recently, even though I keep embarrassingly missing the right answer on the daily "how well do you know our Constitution" questions. I'm making Christmas wish and give lists. I'm trying new recipes. It will get here eventually, right?

I think I could stay busy if we got to move in downstairs soon, but it will probably still be 2 weeks or so. As I listen to the sawing and hammering and smell the paint, I'm reminded of Christ's promise that he has gone to prepare a place for us in heaven. How crazy is it that if it could take a month+ to install new windows and floors, paint, re-tile, and a host of other improvements downstairs, Jesus still isn't ready with our place in heaven? I know his time isn't our time, but when I think of him making mosaic pathways out of gold and planting a pomegranate, mangosteen and passion fruit plants up there, it makes me excited to wait.

Sometimes I feel my son moving when I'm feeling dejected and wonder if he's trying to comfort me. Having a  baby is still unreal enough that most of the time I think of being pregnant as a trial rather than the fact that I'm having a child who will be giving me kisses before long. As I wait, I'm dreaming of chocolate and blackberries. {recipe}