Friday, August 31, 2012

And Then There Were 2 & A Tiny

Below is my journal entry from the day I found out we were pregnant with our first son.
I am going to leave it unedited (as I wrote it that day), so please excuse spelling errors, a few "swears", and above all, please do not be offended if I mentioned you in my anxieties about revealing the news - everyone has been gracious and supportive! There were so many thoughts and emotions swirling through me as I wrote.... Here's an ultrasound photo of him at around 24 weeks. Can you believe how sweet and serious he looks? And a lot like his dad. Can't wait to meet him - due 10/18/12.

10/13/12 update - Upon further contemplation, I am going to do a tiny bit of editing. :)

[Written 2/22/12]

Today is the first day I've ever called in sick to work when I was well enough to go in. I also found out we're pregnant. I deem that a good reason to skip work. I've had a headache for two days and I'm so tired. Also, I cried my head off when I read the little stick.

I'm kind of petrified. I'm not even 21 years old and our wedding photos aren't even finished, for the love. I'm certainly excited in a way, but also just... mind boggled and a little disoriented. Jonas is thrilled. Thank God.

I'm so nervous to tell everyone. We're planning to wait a few more days just to make sure it wasn't a freak false positive, and then tell Jon & Michelle. I don't know how long we'll wait to tell our families. I'm horrified to tell [some family members] because they love to joke....

Once this baby is born, I guess we're back to the drawing board, when it comes to sex. I thought I was following the natural plan right, and I still feel like I made the best decision I could make based on what I know about birth control, but I really thought it was going to work. Looking back on my charts (and some other indicators) I seem to be about as fertile as women come, which doesn't help. I don't know if I made a mistake or led me astray. OH.WELL.
Bring on the baby.
It's frustrating not to have been on this program long enough to compare charts from month to month - I'm pretty sure the current chart is not recognizing that I'm pregnant, and I had to suffer for like 5 days not having my period when I'm typically very consistent. The second blue line in the pee stick showed up immediately, which seems to say that I am VERY pregant. Please God, not twins. Please not twins. A few days ago, Jonas said he was watching me sleep and had a feeling that I was pregnant, and thought of the baby as a boy. So far, right on one account.

There's a whole realm of... the world... that is in my face like a clown out of a box, that I hadn't imagined dealing with for years. I want this kid to have a room that I get to paint, but we live in one room right now. Now we're going to need at least 2. I'm having this vision of walling off part of our large hallway and putting a crib in there. Haha! This is just nuts... I'm going to need to start working full time or something. I don't want Jonas to have to get another job since he already works full time - I really hope he gets promoted quickly. We just signed up for insurance through his work like 3 days ago! Thank God, once again. I'm pretty sure I'm not covered on my parents' insurance any more once I'm preggo.

At Michelle's wedding, I'm going to be ginormous in my cute dress. I'll probably have to find fabric to make the skirt longer and fit over my bump. It's hard to imagine looking at my stomach now, that there's a human in there. It's probably the size of a dust mote, which doesn't make it seem very human at all.

I keep panicking and then alternating with determined thoughts. As if being a mama is like being a gladiator.
I can do this! I am strong! I will be the [awesomest] mother of this....child that you ever did see.
We made a HUMAN! A new person, a whole life. And nevermore from this day on is my life untethered from this baby's. Every single day, for as long as I live, this kid is going to be in existance as part of me. Either he (Jonas thinks it's a boy) will die in my lifetime and my heart will crumple with him, or I'll die someday and leave him here. I can't really express how knowing that I'm pregnant changes the gravity of what it's like to steward another human.

What if he's a genius? What if he is disabled? I kind of hope he has red hair. But he won't. In which case I hope he has dark curls like his dad. I almost feel worried like I've had a kid when I shouldn't, but then I remember that I got married last month and my husband is the father of this baby. What the what?! I'm already a crying, ravenous little beast.

Baby, if you're indeed a boy, we have your name picked out already. We love it and it's special to us in many ways. We're not telling until you're born, so everyone, consider yourselves warned. You will only make me angry if you press me. Your dad wants to build you a crib. I want to go crazy on Pinterest and find one that I think is magical, but we haven't told anyone yet, and I don't want anyone to start asking questions.

I'm having a hard time dealing with my images of telling our families this stuff. I know our siblings will all be thrilled, I'm worried that some parents will cry, which will make me cry and be embarassed. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I was so not planning in this direction and giving people evil glances when they made jokes about me getting pregnant.
I'm glad for generous families who are going to be thrilled and want to give us so much stuff. I'm less thrilled at the notion of being smothered. I'm already wanting to move away to have some peace and quiet, but I know our support network (aka, babysitters) here will be invaluable.

I really don't imagine myself having a difficult or dangerous pregnancy, but what if? Scary as hell, is what. This whole thing makes me feel like a kid... like Juno smacking her gum and treating pregnancy like a teenager. I practically am a teenager, for crying out loud. AHHHHHHHH. At least I get to utulize the maternity section at Forever 21. Or maybe just buy other new clothes in sizes larger than usual.

I want to have pregnancy photography, and giving birth photography (I want to give birth in water, always have). Hear that, baby? Your crazy mother is an artist and she is determined to get the most out of this experience which she was not prepared for. A dear friend prayed that my life would be full of trials to bring me closer to the heart of God, but by jove, this was not one I had anticipated. I'm worried that our pastor will [give us a hard time] a) because my method of  birth control did indeed yeild a baby and b) [this wouldn't be scoffing] we agreed that a baby early in our marriage would be rough on the likes of Jonas & I, being emotionally charged people. And now it's happening.

I hope we can go on a pre-baby vacation too. And still travel the world, even with our baby. I'm kind of sad that I won't even get a year with just Jonas. Initially, I felt like this was the end of the road for me. Which was so depressing, since I've just started talking with schools again. But I know Jonas loves me and his kid more than anything in the world and he'll work hard and diligently to let me finish school. God knows, I'm going to have to get a lot less lazy if I'm going to be raising a child, going to school, and working.... ai chee wa wa!

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