At the beginning of 2019 I was feeling emotionally lost and unstable. On a whim, I decided to adopt the "word for the year" exercise and chose "grief", not because I thought this was a great idea, but it almost felt like I couldn't *not* put myself through some exploration of grief for my own health. I did not know how brutal 2019 was going to be. It set me full of holes. I found little rest from tragedy, rage, and wave after wave of change. The motion made me sick. The silver linings I found felt like social or personal expectations more than truth. Rarely could I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's disorienting to be traveling through the dark for a long, long time.
There are times when I worry that being open about the level of carnage that I feel engulfed in will push people away. I don't usually want to be around people who are constantly in a hole and seemingly refuse to work on a path out. I wish I could be more direct about some of the specifics, but there's so much that isn't my story to tell (yet) and so much that is so far from resolution that it's not yet a story.
I wouldn't choose to go through 2019 again just to experience the growth that it's pushed me toward. I never feel ready to do the work of growing and I would never choose the circumstances by which that work is undertaken. This year will leave scars. I have not learned all the lessons from battles I wished not to be engaged in and wars that I deserted.
We had 5 deaths in our extended family. We totaled a car. We moved out from my parents house after 5 years there. I started 2 new jobs and quit 2 old jobs.
Two dazzling bright spots in the year were my sister Annelise getting pregnant with her first daughter (due January 2020) and a family trip to New York in May. I loved Manhattan so much. I was incredibly impressed by the the Met museum and was thrilled to see the CAMP costume exhibit. We also saw an amazing show, Octet, that will stick in my mind for a long time. I can't really do it justice in any description, but you can listen to the cast recording (search Dave Malloy) if you're so inclined. It's an exploration of psyche in the digital age. We enjoyed memorable meals at the Clinton Street Baking Company, Uncle Boon's, and Okonomi, among others. I gawked at how well dressed the average person is and how great the stuff that they leave on the curb is. But most of all, being in New York left a heavy impression on me that I am an artist at heart and that I should pursue that. I'm listening.
I had the pleasure of meeting two rad ladies this year, my brother Bradley's girlfriend Kristina and my brother Jonathan's girlfriend Sophie. I feel so lucky when I click with people who come into our family circle. I first met Kristina during our 4th (?) annual Welch siblingcation in San Diego which was short but sweet.
I spent a lot of time feeling deeply in over my head in 2019 and therefore that I was failing at this, that, and the other thing. But I started going to therapy and have a wonderful, supportive home-church, both of which have helped me immeasurably to feel heard in the midst of being overwhelmed. The experience of being listened to well has also empowered me be more vulnerable about unresolved grief when I'm still in the midst of it, and I think that has allowed me to connect with many people in a way I would not otherwise have been able to do.
I thought I was open and I thought I wasn't [that] afraid of what other people thought of me before, but I've broken away some of my niceness this year in a way that I think is great and healthy. I think I'm more cynical (as if that was even possible) but I'm also aware that that's a very real reaction to some truly abysmal situations instead of "just who I am," and that distinction also feels healthy. I have confidence in allowing myself to feel rotten a lot right now and express that as needed. When I think about my headspace at this time last year, I was suffering from much the same existential anxiety as I have now, but my core feels stronger, even if that's not because I grasped some truth that I didn't have before. I'm proud of the steps in emotional maturity that I've made, rather than being disappointed that I did not reach emotional nirvana.
As 2019 marks the end of a decade (and nearly the end of my 20s), I'm celebrating having tried a lot of things. I've been worried for most of my life that I won't have time to try everything I want to try, I won't find what I love most and get to do it and be good at it, and that my life will fall flat. While I think I've been able to shift my focus to something healthier anyway, I'm also proud of how between last year and this year, my sense of "having tried things" has gone from panic to confidence.
I've built and run a profitable small business, become an expert in [some areas of] children's literature, the postal service, and fashion history. I've been published in print multiple times and I've painted multiple commissions and had my work in a gallery. I've cooked in a restaurant and tutored in two languages. I've been an event coordinator and partnered with multiple faith-based organizations. I worked in quality assurance for a medical device manufacturer and I sold Pampered Chef. I've started a lot of things and quit plenty of things too. I'm going in the 2020s and my 30s with a clearer picture of what I like and what I don't like, what I'm good at and where I need help, and that feels valuable.
Usually I like to review the best media I engaged with within a calendar year, which brings me to the second word that began to stick in my mind toward the end of the year, "escapism." Especially as I wrestled through the holidays, I took refuge in the idea that stories can transport us to other worlds for a while, and that we can even go to new worlds together. I love to share the things that transport me and excite me, especially when I'm not always excited to wake up to a new day in my real life.
I read 15 books this year (which I keep track of on GoodReads) as well as some graphic novels and discovered a good amount of music (MUNA, Luxury, Charly Bliss, Tal Wilkenfield, and Colin Hay got a lot of plays). I didn't watch much TV or many movies, but of what I did see, I loved the shows Killing Eve, Pose, and What We Do in the Shadows. They are all current shows, so I'm eagerly awaiting more of those stories. Besides the play Octect that I mentioned in the section about our New York trip, Jonas and I also got to see Anoushka Shankar perform and it was mesmerizing. Not only was her sitar playing beautiful, but the drummers in her troupe were just beyond. Like Octet, it was an experience that defies my retelling, but that I recall with intense admiration.
Things I wrote about in 2019: the intersection of a conservative church background and modern feminism, an angry psalm, a lament of unseasonably bad weather, a poem about another shooting, a creative manifesto, names of women I admire, and saints of doubt and sorrow.
Review of 2019 goals. Did pretty well on these!
Pictures in this post are most of the images from my Instagram feed in 2019.
I wouldn't choose to go through 2019 again just to experience the growth that it's pushed me toward. I never feel ready to do the work of growing and I would never choose the circumstances by which that work is undertaken. This year will leave scars. I have not learned all the lessons from battles I wished not to be engaged in and wars that I deserted.
This top row of photos is the painting I did this year. It was a liturgical reflection for Easter.
We had 5 deaths in our extended family. We totaled a car. We moved out from my parents house after 5 years there. I started 2 new jobs and quit 2 old jobs.
Two dazzling bright spots in the year were my sister Annelise getting pregnant with her first daughter (due January 2020) and a family trip to New York in May. I loved Manhattan so much. I was incredibly impressed by the the Met museum and was thrilled to see the CAMP costume exhibit. We also saw an amazing show, Octet, that will stick in my mind for a long time. I can't really do it justice in any description, but you can listen to the cast recording (search Dave Malloy) if you're so inclined. It's an exploration of psyche in the digital age. We enjoyed memorable meals at the Clinton Street Baking Company, Uncle Boon's, and Okonomi, among others. I gawked at how well dressed the average person is and how great the stuff that they leave on the curb is. But most of all, being in New York left a heavy impression on me that I am an artist at heart and that I should pursue that. I'm listening.
I had the pleasure of meeting two rad ladies this year, my brother Bradley's girlfriend Kristina and my brother Jonathan's girlfriend Sophie. I feel so lucky when I click with people who come into our family circle. I first met Kristina during our 4th (?) annual Welch siblingcation in San Diego which was short but sweet.
8 of these photos were taken in NYC.
I spent a lot of time feeling deeply in over my head in 2019 and therefore that I was failing at this, that, and the other thing. But I started going to therapy and have a wonderful, supportive home-church, both of which have helped me immeasurably to feel heard in the midst of being overwhelmed. The experience of being listened to well has also empowered me be more vulnerable about unresolved grief when I'm still in the midst of it, and I think that has allowed me to connect with many people in a way I would not otherwise have been able to do.
I thought I was open and I thought I wasn't [that] afraid of what other people thought of me before, but I've broken away some of my niceness this year in a way that I think is great and healthy. I think I'm more cynical (as if that was even possible) but I'm also aware that that's a very real reaction to some truly abysmal situations instead of "just who I am," and that distinction also feels healthy. I have confidence in allowing myself to feel rotten a lot right now and express that as needed. When I think about my headspace at this time last year, I was suffering from much the same existential anxiety as I have now, but my core feels stronger, even if that's not because I grasped some truth that I didn't have before. I'm proud of the steps in emotional maturity that I've made, rather than being disappointed that I did not reach emotional nirvana.
As 2019 marks the end of a decade (and nearly the end of my 20s), I'm celebrating having tried a lot of things. I've been worried for most of my life that I won't have time to try everything I want to try, I won't find what I love most and get to do it and be good at it, and that my life will fall flat. While I think I've been able to shift my focus to something healthier anyway, I'm also proud of how between last year and this year, my sense of "having tried things" has gone from panic to confidence.
I've built and run a profitable small business, become an expert in [some areas of] children's literature, the postal service, and fashion history. I've been published in print multiple times and I've painted multiple commissions and had my work in a gallery. I've cooked in a restaurant and tutored in two languages. I've been an event coordinator and partnered with multiple faith-based organizations. I worked in quality assurance for a medical device manufacturer and I sold Pampered Chef. I've started a lot of things and quit plenty of things too. I'm going in the 2020s and my 30s with a clearer picture of what I like and what I don't like, what I'm good at and where I need help, and that feels valuable.
Usually I like to review the best media I engaged with within a calendar year, which brings me to the second word that began to stick in my mind toward the end of the year, "escapism." Especially as I wrestled through the holidays, I took refuge in the idea that stories can transport us to other worlds for a while, and that we can even go to new worlds together. I love to share the things that transport me and excite me, especially when I'm not always excited to wake up to a new day in my real life.
I read 15 books this year (which I keep track of on GoodReads) as well as some graphic novels and discovered a good amount of music (MUNA, Luxury, Charly Bliss, Tal Wilkenfield, and Colin Hay got a lot of plays). I didn't watch much TV or many movies, but of what I did see, I loved the shows Killing Eve, Pose, and What We Do in the Shadows. They are all current shows, so I'm eagerly awaiting more of those stories. Besides the play Octect that I mentioned in the section about our New York trip, Jonas and I also got to see Anoushka Shankar perform and it was mesmerizing. Not only was her sitar playing beautiful, but the drummers in her troupe were just beyond. Like Octet, it was an experience that defies my retelling, but that I recall with intense admiration.
Things I wrote about in 2019: the intersection of a conservative church background and modern feminism, an angry psalm, a lament of unseasonably bad weather, a poem about another shooting, a creative manifesto, names of women I admire, and saints of doubt and sorrow.
Review of 2019 goals. Did pretty well on these!
See a therapist."I'm exhausted and full of trepidation just thinking of everything behind and in front of that resolution, but I just need to take the first step."There was still a lot of pushing that had to happen to get my foot into that door, but I DID IT.Language learning.In a very small way. I did get to practice Chinese more than usual, and I studied both Arabic and Spanish through an app, but ultimately didn't invest very much into learning any of these 3 languages.Think about home ownership.We did look into it. We'll be renting for the next several years at least.Paint.I did one commission this year.Get a job.I got several jobs, and I'm grateful for them, but they've also helped me cross some things off the "possible long-term job" list.- Write out a business plan [for my dream job]. I'm not sure what my dream job is anymore...
Find inspiration in hardcover imagery.I did this a bit and I have an impressive reference library, but I'd like to utilize it more.(2018)See a chiropractor.I was so afraid to do this, but some chronic pain became so bad I was willing to die at the chiropractor's, lol. Getting adjusted made a big difference for about 6 months, and I think the rest of the work is emotional.
2020 goals:
- SLOW DOWN. I want to have and make the time to play, engage in my hobbies, explore, entertain, cultivate relationships. I've been too drained and busy and stressed to do those things and I want to fight through the things I *have* to do to get to a place where things I *want* to do are woven in. I want to feel the peace and contentment that comes from not being over-scheduled all the time.
- Write a book outline.
- Build a good credit score. Getting a credit card has been such a huge obstacle for me.
- Spend intentional time with each of my boys, not multitasking.
- Take a digital design class. I doubt this will happen in 2020, but it's a goal to keep in my head.
- Get a website and a start a mailing list.
I'm going into this new year and this new decade feeling brave.
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